298. Let the outcome of your dating be as it is and you’ll find joy in the adventure

When we feel heartache and disappointment in dating it’s always our own thoughts that cause us to hurt. But that’s hard to see. We’ve been conditioned to believe that it’s what someone else says or does that causes our emotional pain. We think it’s because they’ve deceived us or lied to us or rejected us that we’re hurting.

Karl Renz, a spiritual teacher from Germany, who shares his understanding with people in many European countries, says it this way: The mind itself creates the problems it struggles to solve.

“But how is it possible,” you might ask, “that our own minds create the hurt we feel, when we can prove, for instance, that our date or partner deceived us?” Obviously, we think, it’s their deceit that makes us hurt. But in reality their deceit doesn’t make us hurt. It’s only when we think they should not deceive us that we hurt. In other words, it’s our story or our belief about their action that makes us hurt, not the action itself.

So the mind creates our suffering by believing that “what is” should be different. Then the mind struggles to relieve the pain by trying to change the other person, make them wrong, etc.

As we date in these mature and senior years it’s natural there will be times when things don’t go the way we expected. Your date loses interest in you, or you find she’s not the person you thought she was. You might be lied to or cheated on. You may begin to see that your date is trying to control you. A woman I know was dating a man who wanted to marry her. He told her, “If we were together I’d still let you continue the volunteer work you now do.” Clearly, she knew that kind of control wouldn’t work for her.

These incidents may be disappointing or painful. But if they are it’s because we want life to go the way we think it should go rather than simply seeing that it always goes the way it goes. It’s always our own mind that creates our problems by resisting “what is”. Then the same mind tries to solve the problem that never existed except in our thought-story.

But without our stories we can see and accept that life is just what it is. We can begin to trust that what happens is meant to happen because the Energy that powers everything must know what it’s doing, even if it seems to our limited minds that it doesn’t. Then dating takes on a whole new look. It becomes an interesting exploration and adventure, a chance for new and exciting experiences. And we don’t have to own or worry about the outcome. Let the outcome take care of itself and just have fun living.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

297. See which way the wind blows with your dating and you can be happily content

Did you know that baby wolves in the far north live or die depending on the wind? Literally. I saw it on a nature program on TV the other night. (And you won’t believe how this ties into mature dating! ) Here’s how it works.

The wolves are born in the spring and nurse from their mothers until early summer. Then they need solid food, which for the wolves are the caribou that inhabit the same terrain. The problem is the baby wolves can’t travel far and if the caribou herds don’t travel near them there’s no food for the young ‘uns.

What causes the herds to travel in a certain direction? Mosquitoes, believe it or not. They’re so fierce in the summer months that the caribou herds travel into the wind to keep the mosquitoes away from their faces. So their direction of travel is determined by which way the wind blows. If that takes them away from the wolf dens there’s no food for the wolves and the young ones don’t survive.

So it’s a story that reads like this: Baby wolves can’t live without solid food after a couple of months. Why is there no solid food? Because there are no caribou. Why aren’t there caribou? Because the herds are moving in other areas. Why don’t the wolves follow them? Because the babies are too small. Why do the caribou travel in other directions? Because of swarms of mosquitoes. Why do mosquitoes dictate which way the caribou travel? Because caribou travel into the wind to keep mosquitoes away from their faces. Why does the wind blow in a certain direction? Who knows? If you were a meteorologist you could probably trace this back further but eventually you’d come to “I don’t know.”

Now, how the heck does this relate to mature dating? This way: I know from experience that a lot of seniors I’ve dated and know spend a lot of time in anguish, trying to figure out why something happened. They think if they can figure out why, they may be able to come up with a solution: “Oh, he didn’t call me after two dates. Why? I revealed too much about myself too soon. Obviously that was the wrong thing to do.” Solution: “Make sure I hold back and try to say only what I think men want to hear.” You get the idea I’m sure.

The point is this: The question “Why?” is wasted effort. Everything causes everything. In other words, you can try to trace any happening back to its cause and you’ll never find one. We could even get back to, “Why is there a world or a universe?” When you give up questioning why, you also give up the need to try to manipulate circumstances to control the outcome you want. So much effort and turmoil!

It’s much more natural in life and in dating to simply be an observer rather than a questioner. Life is the way it is. How can we know it shouldn’t be another way? It isn’t, that’s all. Should that guy have called again? No, because he didn’t. End of story. End of anguish and effort and suffering. Life obviously has other plans for you.

As that ancient Chinese spiritual text, the Hsin-hsin Ming (The Mind of Absolute Trust) says, “When one is free from attachment all things are as they are, and there is neither coming nor going. When in harmony with the nature of things, your own fundamental nature, you will walk freely and undisturbed.”

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

296. When we stop believing our thoughts dating can be another simple phase of life

Have you known people who get lost in their worries at times and just go deeper and deeper into pain and confusion? We sometimes hear people say they need to get hold of themselves. We can see their thoughts have taken them for a deeply painful ride.

It’s easy to do. About a year ago I was with Pete, a friend of mine, when he got a call from his daughter-in-law, Julie. She had just returned from an overseas trip and was to be met at the airport by her husband, Pete’s son. But the guy wasn’t there to meet her and Julie wondered if Pete knew where he was.

Within minutes Pete was almost a nervous wreck. His son always carried a cell phone and was very responsible. He’d certainly have been there to pick up his wife who had been gone for several weeks, Pete assured me. The next thing I knew Pete was in real turmoil as he worried about what happened to his son. About an hour later he got another call. His son had arrived and was just fine.

A few weeks ago this same Pete talked to me about another matter, this one involving a woman he’s been dating. He had tried to set up something with her and hadn’t gotten any response from her for several days. “This just isn’t like her,” he said. Immediately he knew she must be tired of him and he wondered aloud why she didn’t just tell him she didn’t want to see him any more rather than avoid him. He was in a world of agony and anguish.

A few days later he swung by her house and she met him at the door. She was her usual self, friendly and warm, and unhesitatingly invited him in. During the ensuing conversation it turns out that he had sent her an email and thought he had asked for a response. She, on the other hand, didn’t realize he wanted a response and thought that plans were already firmed up. It was all a misunderstanding.

In both incidents – his son not showing up at the airport and his conviction that this woman had unceremoniously dumped him – it was only Pete’s futurizing thoughts that caused him so much suffering. To this day he doesn’t know why his son wasn’t at the airport.

Even when we get proof that we can’t believe our thoughts, as Pete did twice, we still believe our thoughts. We know a relationship shouldn’t end. We know our date shouldn’t be rude to us. We know we should have a partner. Yet it’s only because we believe we know how the world should work rather than seeing how it does work that we live in such emotional pain and turmoil. When will we ever live comfortably in the not-knowing and simply be with what is, watching it unfold, peacefully and painlessly moment to moment? After all, that’s really the only truth there is.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer