232. Look and truly see… do you really need their approval?

When we’re children we learn to define ourselves by what other people think of us. We get praise from parents, teachers and other authorities when we do what they want. And we get criticized when we don’t.

Unfortunately as grownups, even in our 50s, 60s and beyond, we’re still trying to get others to approve of us, especially when we’re meeting and dating. “Will he like my hair?” “Is this color too bright?” "What if she’s dressed up and I’m wearing jeans?” “Gosh, maybe I shouldn’t have let her know I’m not always the confident guy I may appear to be.” It’s as though we’re saying to everyone, “Please like me so I can think I’m okay. Don’t disapprove of me because then I’m worthless.” That sounds like a silly exaggeration doesn’t it? But take a real look, if you’re interested.

Living with the need for approval takes so much energy and is so stressful. Worse, when we need approval so badly we can’t be our natural selves, so the person we’re with never gets to see the real “me”. We’re working so hard at doing it right that we’re being phony – sometimes so phony we hate ourselves later for giving in to what we didn’t want just to get approval.

While it’s easy to see how we got into the habit of thinking we need approval, it’s also easier than you might think to break it. All you need to do is question that habitual belief. If you look into it deeply you’ll probably see that what someone thinks of you has nothing to do with what you think of yourself. That is, unless you believe it matters. It’s all your own belief. You need someone’s approval, is that true?

I’ll throw in a little warning here: People often hear that investigating and seeing reality is the whole answer and they say, “Aw, it couldn’t be that simple.” If you’re thinking that I invite you to give it a try. Honestly look deep into the matter and see what’s really true for you.

Without that old belief think how much lighter and easier life would be. You’d just move smoothly and spontaneously through life, taking what comes, including anyone’s opinion about you. After all, they have a right to their opinions. And for them their opinions are right. But those opinions have nothing – not one thing – to do with you. If you really examine that carefully and see through the myth you’ve believed all your life it’ll be hard to be concerned about what anyone else thinks. You’re free then, and dating can be just a fun adventure.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

210. Faulty self-beliefs can ruin your dating and your happiness

What we think of ourselves affects our whole view of life, including our dating relationships of course. I know a woman – I’ll call her Loni – who seems to see her whole life through a negative self-image. I was at a meeting one time, talking to a friend of mine, and happened to glance up to see Loni. Later she called me to ask why I was laughing at her. It turns out the moment I glanced at her I apparently was laughing with my friend. Loni knew I was laughing at her. That’s a pretty extreme example of a negative self-image but we all know that how we view ourselves colors our entire world.

Yet for most of us that self-image seems pretty solid; it becomes a thing, like a pair of colored glasses we wear every day. Every morning we get up and our glasses go on automatically. We’re looking at everything through that colored lens. Through the lens life looks like this: “Joe didn’t ask me for a second dance last night so obviously he thought I wasn’t good enough for him.” “Jill talked about her cousin’s great education so obviously she thinks I’m not very bright because I don’t have my doctorate.” It’s clear that our view of the world is all a projection based on our view of ourselves.

Since our self-image affects our dating so much maybe it’s worth taking a good look at it. What is a self-image, after all? We take it for granted that it’s who we are. But is that true? After all, when you look you can’t really find something called a self-image. If it’s real where is it located? It’s only a bundle of thoughts or mental images we hold about ourselves. And in fact that bundle of thoughts isn’t even consistent so how real can it be? Sometimes we think we’re pretty wonderful. At other times we think we’re complete losers.

If we examine those self-image thoughts what are they? It turns out they’re nothing more than ideas or concepts we picked up throughout life that we’ve believed in and made real for ourselves. A third-grade teacher didn’t praise your drawing the way she praised Jennie’s so there’s a label you stick on your forehead. It reads, “I’m not talented”. The kids laugh at your book report in the 6th grade. There’s another label; this one reads, “I’m stupid”. It doesn’t take long before your whole body is plastered with labels and if you read them it’s clear that you’re nothing but a loser. The proof is right there in the labels, see?

We’ve been living with them for years so they must be who I am, right? But is that true? All we have to do is investigate to find out. Is it true you’re not talented because that teacher didn’t happen to praise your work? Are any of those other self-image beliefs actually true? When you really look and be honest with yourself you see the fallacy of those beliefs. You see through that whole self-image illusion; you see it’s nothing but a sham.

Seeing reality – the truth of life – is powerful because when we see through the innocent lies we’ve been telling ourselves we don’t have to live with the suffering they cause any longer. Then we simply see life for what it is – events happening. Events that are no longer interpreted through an illusory self-image filter. Without our self-image projections the fact that Joe didn’t ask for a second dance means nothing more than the fact that it’s windy today. Life is what it is. Ah-so! Your contented happiness isn’t affected at all.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer