286. Questioning your thoughts may seem too simple to end mature dating pain – but it works!

When I speak of questioning your thoughts to end the turmoil, desperation and pain that can come with mature dating I understand it’s easy to discount the idea. The one complaint from people is that this is too simple. We’re conditioned to think that we’ve got to put out a lot of effort to make changes in our lives. It’s the “no pain, no gain” idea.

But when we see that all the painful emotional issues of our lives come from our thoughts, questioning those thoughts to see how true they are might make a little more sense. All our lives we’ve heard how life should be: “People shouldn’t do bad things to other people.” “Our dating partners should always be honest and true to us.” “We shouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.” “I’m never quite good enough.” We’ve picked up these ideas but are they true? Doesn’t it hurt when we think those thoughts? If we really look, and see the truth, do we still hurt?

Take any one of those statements above and we can see, with a little investigation, that they may not be true at all. For instance, “I’m not good enough.” How many of us think that about ourselves – at least some of the time if not virtually all the time. It’s a program that runs in the background of our lives almost without our recognition, until we start looking at how that single idea shapes our actions. Because of it we may be constantly trying for other people's approval, for instance. We may be always struggling to be somebody better than we think we are, wearing the mask of an actor. We’re not free when we’re not living authentically. It’s not fun. And in the end it never works.

But inquiry brings us back to the truth: Are we really not good enough? By whose standards? What’s “good enough”? Do we really need more approval than we’ve got? What I see so clearly is that every one of us has exactly the approval we need at any moment. All you have to do is see the approval you’ve got and you know that’s what you need – because you’ve got it.

Or what about the belief that we shouldn't hurt someone's feelings. What god gave us that power? Don't we decide our reaction to what someone says or does? When you think you can hurt someone's feelings you've made yourself responsible for what you have no control over. Sure, we can be kind, knowing some people hurt their own feelings based on our words. We can be considerate but we don't have to be dishonest to protect them. Their feelings are not our job or within our power.

The universe always works the way it does. That’s reality. Storms happen. People get sick. Things live and die. Change occurs. Life turns out different from the way we thought it would, even day by day. We think we’re going to answer the phone and we trip and fall and break an ankle. Oops? Who’s in charge here? Well, it’s obviously not us.

Yet we want to think things should be our way. That’s an innocent myth. Things should be the way they are. How do we know? This is it. Questioning always gets you to reality if you’re willing to be honest. With reality comes peace and happiness. We can opt for that or we can insist on our way and suffer.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

283. What happens in mature dating is never painful except for our thoughts about it

All the heartache, disappointment, despair, loneliness and pain of mature dating comes and goes, have you noticed? Even in the midst of deep hurt there are moments of no hurt at all, such as when you stub your toe and your thoughts instantly go to that physical pain. Meanwhile your heartache just disappears – poof!

Where does it go? Was it real? Or was all that hurt just a thought? Since it can disappear in an instant what could the pain be except a fleeting thought? That’s why it makes sense to question thoughts and beliefs. While we hold a thought it feels physically real. Let’s say Ron’s thought is, “I want Adele to love me.” The more that thought is nurtured and fed the more Ron hurts.

But is it true that Adele should love Ron? Can he positively know that would be best for him? With that thought he’s in a world of hurt. Without it he’s just living life and watching things happen. When he doesn’t know for sure what should happen he’s open to what is. And with his focus off the thought what happens to the pain? It disappears in the simple awareness that Ron’s strongly held belief may not be true.

Thoughts seem to have great power to create pain for us. But in actuality they have no power at all because there’s nothing real about them. Thoughts are as fleeting as a lightning flash and as real as a shadow. Meanwhile, every moment a painful thought-illusion occupies us we’re not only hurting but we’re missing the only living there ever is, the life that happens in the present. And that present-moment life is not suffering at all.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

281. We don't "need" love when we discover that feeling loved is an inside job

We hear all the time that we have to love ourselves before we can love others. Or that we don’t need love from others when we truly love ourselves. The problem is, how do we truly love ourselves? Most people find that the way they try to get love from themselves is the same way they try to get love from others – by manipulation. When we try hard to give others what we think they want – to get their love through flattery and deceit – we’re manipulating. We’ve also made ourselves victims, waiting for someone else to make us feel happy and loved.

When we try to give ourselves what we think we want we’re also victims, hoping something we do will make us feel acceptable and worthy. You can take all the cruise trips you want, and soak in a perfumed tub with flowers and candles, but those methods of manipulation don’t do anything for self-love. Loving ourselves isn’t doing something, it’s being something. And what we’re being when we love ourselves is a spontaneously peaceful, happy person, content with life. Self-love and simple being in life are what’s always been there when we see through our self-loathing.

So, how do we love ourselves? We question our beliefs to see reality without our painful stories. At first that may pose a seeming problem because the things we don’t like about ourselves are the things we don’t want to look at. But that’s because we think when we recall what we loathe about ourselves we’ll just be reinforcing self-hatred. “Look at this terrible thing I did, and think about that cruel thing I said. Obviously I’m a terrible person.” We don’t want to think that.

But there’s a way to look at our past and see that it’s not something to regret and hate ourselves over. What blocks us from loving other people is judgment, and it’s the same with ourselves. We judge ourselves by believing our thoughts about how bad we’ve been. Then we’ve trapped ourselves into trying to find someone to love us so we can feel worthy. Of course it never works. Who’s going to love you when you, yourself, think you’re unlovable? That’s what you project. No, self-love is an inside job, not an outside job. And we’ll never see that unless we’re willing to question our beliefs and thoughts about ourselves.

What do we regret having done? Are we willing to look? Did we do the best we could at the time? Is it true we really wanted to hurt someone? Or is it more true that we were so hurt and confused that we lashed out as the only defense we knew then, the only survival technique we thought was available at the moment?

After we’ve questioned our long-held beliefs, and when we see that they’re not true, what’s left automatically is self-love. We don’t have to do anything to gain love. It’s what we are naturally, just as a light shines naturally when we clean the mud and dirt off the bulb.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

280. Believe a partner should be monogamous when she’s not and you'll suffer

What we know in mature dating doesn’t cause us to suffer. What we believe is the source of all the emotional and psychological pain we feel. Knowing is reality. Belief is a story we’ve learned. That applies to any belief. It’s our story. Let’s say you find that your partner is not being monogamous. That’s what you know. Now, let’s say you believe she should be monogamous. That’s your story and the split-second you believe that story your pain begins. Your belief and your pain come side by side, self-created.

Pain hurts but there’s a gift in it as well. It’s the signal telling you that your thinking is off track and inviting you to play Private I and investigate to see whether your belief is really true. Seeing reality and ending our pain is that simple.

In this case, you’d simply ask, “Is it true my partner should be monogamous when she’s not?” Obviously, what’s happening is true, not what you believe should be happening. Do people have affairs in this world? Is that part of the reality of life? Can we know for sure that our partner should be monogamous? In the larger picture of life are we absolutely sure we know what’s best?

If you still think your beliefs are right you could ask further questions: Does my partner have a right to live her life her way? Do I have a right to demand that she live it my way? Who decides how I get to live my life? Who gets to decide how she lives her life? With simple questions, given honest answers, you find that life is a series of happenings, all things changing, all things coming and going. Can we know something or someone shouldn’t go? Who are we to decide we know best?

Though I didn’t have the understanding of life that I do now, when my wife died, one thing seemed really clear in the midst of all my emptiness and pain: She was supposed to be gone. I knew that because when I looked around she wasn’t here any longer. Somehow, that knowing was clear: It was supposed to be, because it was. All life, I see now, is like that. Reality rules.

When we simply witness life as it is, without our stories, we don’t suffer. You can argue with reality all you want, but all you’ll ever get is heartache and pain. It’s madness to argue with what is. Drop the resistance and judgment, see it the way it is, and pain is gone. Suffering is always optional.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

278. We tend to blame ourselves but we can’t make a mistake in mature dating

You can’t make a mistake in mature dating. When there’s a problem in our relationship it’s easy to think it wouldn’t exist if only we hadn’t said or done something. I know that flies in the face of what many of us think. We think, “If only I hadn’t been so honest.” “I shouldn’t have disagreed with what she said.” “I made a mistake when I asked that other woman to dance.” It’s called regret.

If you’re feeling regret over some action you took or words you spoke in your relationship there’s a simple way to get past that pain. Ask yourself, “Could I have done better in the moment?” If the answer is no, what is there to regret? If the answer is yes, question yourself a little more. It may be that you’re holding on to a belief about what behavior is right or wrong, good or bad. But does that belief square with reality? Is it true in your own experience that at the moment you took the action you could have done better? Didn’t you do the best you knew at the time to get what you thought would be the best outcome for you?

Regret is a waste of energy and robs you of the chance to be peaceful and happy with this moment. It’s the memory of a belief that isn’t true. Could something be different than the way it was? Can you truly know it should have been different?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

277. If you stop judging you stop hurting and mature dating is then a fun adventure

All the pain in mature dating comes from one thing and one thing only – what we think about what’s happening. A happening itself doesn’t cause pain. It’s only when we think it shouldn’t be happening or it should be happening differently that we suffer. Whenever you find yourself thinking or saying words like “should”, “ought”, “right”, “wrong”, “good”, “bad”, etc. you know you’re judging. It’s all about thinking we’re right and the situation or other person is wrong.

The job of the mind is to prove it’s right. So it judges and compares and pits this thing against another thing. The Tao Te Ching, that ancient Chinese spiritual text, says, “When people see some things as good, other things become bad.” When you think someone’s words or behavior is bad you’re not open to see the good that can come from it. We seem to think that from our limited human perspective we can assess and judge what that Infinite wisdom is showing us.

Once we question our thoughts, however, we may see that what we think is wrong and bad is just something we’re not clear about. For example, let’s make up a story about Mary. Mary’s relationship ends and her friends and family are happy because they could see this wasn’t the right guy for her. But Mary didn’t choose to end the relationship and she’s heart-broken, only to realize months later that her friends and family had more clarity than she did. Now she’s glad things didn’t go her way after all. If she hadn't believed her thoughts that the relationship shouldn't have ended she wouldn't have suffered in the first place. Instead, she'd have been able to acknowledge the change in her life and simply watch the next thing show up, whatever it might be.

Believing our thoughts without question is a recipe for pain. Questioning shows us that reality is the way of life and maybe we really don’t have the “right” answers after all. Without our right/wrong thoughts and beliefs we’re left with seeing life as it is. And “as it is” is just life spreading itself out before us moment by moment, full of interesting surprises and miracles if we’re willing to see them.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

275. You can end stomach-churning suffering that often comes with mature dating

Thinking of writing a book some day, I started taking notes about mature dating some years ago when I realized how much unnecessary pain and confusion I saw in people my age when it came to dating. The disappointment and heartache, in both men and women, is so obvious in dating because those feelings are so emotionally acute and penetrating. The feelings are often knifelike as they stab deep into our guts.

What I had realized by then was that these feelings are always self-created, though we do that innocently. We don’t realize that we create our own world each minute. In dreamless sleep there is no world and no stress or suffering. It’s only when we wake up and say “I” that we suffer. The mind is endless in its capacity to create huge dramas out of passing thoughts. All based on that little one-letter word, “I”.

But when we question our untrue thoughts the stress and suffering they’ve created disappears because there was no reality behind those thoughts. It’s like the turmoil we create for ourselves by worrying about something that never happens. You’ve done it. You know what I’m talking about. Your worry was all a mind game, but what a drama! And what pain that false drama created.

The movies we create are endless when we don’t stop to question thoughts. Are these thoughts true? In dating can we really know what someone thinks or what they mean by their words or why they do or don’t do something? Can you really know your date or partner should do or not do what you think? Are you sure you know what’s best for you in the long run? Can you be positively sure? Does your own history show you’ve been right in the past?

Thoughts are nothing more than a game the mind plays to keep itself alive and entertained. Meanwhile, life – reality, what is – goes on as it does, with or without our opinions or approval. We don’t need to figure it out. We don’t need to know the future, or why something happened in the past. We can live in not-knowing and be contentedly happy, watching life blossom and unfold in new surprises every moment. This is peace. This is the end of stomach-churning suffering.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

274. Looking at reality ends suffering – but it seems too simple

In our “doing” society we nearly always think we have to “do” something to get rid of the disappointment, pain or suffering that often comes with dating. Yet in this blog I’m saying, “Just see reality as it is and all the suffering drops away by itself.” “How could that be,” you may be wondering. “It can’t be that simple.”

That’s the surprising part of all this: it is that simple. Here’s why. Doing involves will power. By force of will we’re going to change our thinking. “Think positively, not negatively,” the experts say. But if will power worked wouldn’t it have worked for you a long time ago? When you’re hurting emotionally wouldn’t you just will the suffering to be gone and it would be gone? But we can’t do that.

Investigating our often false thinking and seeing the truth of life is a whole different game. It has nothing to do with force or will power or effort or doing. It has to do with simply seeing what’s true. Then the ideas that argue with the truth evaporate by themselves because they were hanging on an illusion.

Let’s put this in the form of a simple, hypothetical example. Darrell and Kate have dated several times and things seem to be going well. But days go by and Darrell hasn’t called. Kate’s mind starts working overtime: “He probably got to know me better and realizes he doesn’t like me after all.” “He’s rude not to call.” “I’d never just drop out without telling someone.” “Why am I always the loser?” Those are all plausible-sounding stories but what do they have to do with reality? Absolutely nothing. And they cause Kate to agonize in turmoil.

The truth is, the only thing Kate knows is that Darrell hasn’t called. Period. That’s reality, and without a story there’s no pain in that at all. The pain is born only when a story is born. Let’s say Darrell never calls again and Kate chooses not to call him. What does she know then? That she wasn’t supposed to have a further relationship with Darrell – because she doesn’t. That’s it. Is there suffering in that? Only if Kate thinks she should have had a relationship with Darrell. All stories we create are just thoughts passing by that we latch onto and make real for ourselves. They’re all lies, but we don’t know that until we look. And looking seems too simple.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

261. When one myth about mature dating drops a whole host of others drop with it

What happens in dating is the only thing that could happen because that’s what did happen. There’s one operating principle (many call it God) in this world so how could it make a mistake? We can’t have a problem with dating and relationships unless we believe our thoughts about them. This morning I was talking with a woman about these ideas and she said, “I just keep repeating these dumb mistakes.” I asked her, “Can you really know what you did was a mistake in the big scheme of the world?” After pondering the question a bit she said, “No, I don’t really know that.”

She had believed her thought that some action she took was a mistake, and along with that came her judgment that it was dumb. But when “mistake” goes do you notice that “dumb” goes with it? “Mistake” was never real so it can’t stand up to scrutiny and serious questioning. And “dumb” was also just a myth tied to the first myth. When one goes the other goes… and that’s not even true. They don’t actually go because they were never there in the first place. It was all illusion.

That’s how the mind works; it appears to make real something that was never real in the first place, such as a statement like, “I should have a partner.” With that come thoughts like, “There must be something wrong with me.” “I have to find ways to be more attractive.” “If I just put on a happier face maybe then I’d find a partner.” Each statement is like the judgment “dumb” above. It’s the fantasy child of a fantasy woman, the first belief: “I should have a partner.”

The way you know you don’t need a partner right now is that you don’t have one. Tomorrow you may have a partner but in this very moment what you have is what you have, and fighting it is creating a war with reality that you’ll always lose. Without that war you just have life, as it is, which is totally satisfying once we give up the idea that it should be our way rather than the way it is.

Sometimes people ask me, “Does that mean I shouldn’t put my profile in the personals to find dates and a partner?” The answer is no, you simply do what you’re moved to do as part of the functioning of the world, but without needing a particular result. The joy is in the happening in the moment. You simply enjoy the process, watching the mystery of life unfold and realizing that you’re part of the unfolding along with everything else. No one ever put us in charge; we just thought so.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

258. Believe thoughts about dating and they’ll bite you every time

The mind is a wonderful slave but a wretched master. Unfortunately, a huge part of our waking hours we let thoughts master us. We believe them, and then get jerked around by them like an animal on a chain, forgetting that we started the whole process: “He didn’t pay any attention to me when I spoke to him. He must be mad. It’s probably because I said I didn’t want to go camping with him. Maybe if I make his favorite pie he’ll get over it.” And our story builds and snowballs. But do we know it’s true? We’ve believed our thoughts without questioning them.

Let’s say this woman catches her insanity and says to her guy, “You didn’t answer when I spoke to you, is something wrong?” And he says, “You spoke to me? Gosh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you said anything. I was so engrossed in fixing this thing that I didn’t even hear you.” Or maybe he does say he’s mad because you won’t go camping with him. Is that your problem to fix? You know he’s supposed to be mad because he is. You don’t need to change him or fix him. You may decide you don’t want to live in that tension, though, so you go shopping. Or eventually you may decide to find a different guy. But you don’t fall into mind traps that say this shouldn’t be this way.

We build stories in our minds because we’re interested in our thoughts. We think they’re real and they mean something. But they’re not and they don’t! All worries, doubts, problems and questions about dating only exist and make us suffer when we’re thinking about them. What do most of us do to relieve the suffering? Usually one of several things: 1) We try to change someone so they’ll be or do what we want. 2) We try to find some experiences to get our minds off the suffering. 3) We try to keep the mind silent, which is like saying, “Don’t think of pink elephants.”

The real answer to the end of emotional suffering is always to question and see what story you’ve got going that argues with reality. Never once will your stories win when they fight reality because reality is just what is. How can you argue with what already is? We just think it should be different, but does that have any effect on what is? Not for a second!

The world works as it works. Dates cheat. Partners lie. Women have affairs. Men say mean things. Is your situation any different? It’s just what is. The way the Masters have found to be always at peace and happy with life is to see that we’re part of its creation and not to form self-centered opinions and judgments about it. It seems too simple, but if we just settle back and relax, life is problem-free. In the end we might even let ourselves see that the me-personality doesn’t even exist. There is no independent person. That too is just a thought.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

254. Questioning your beliefs almost magically gives you peace again when you’re hurting

Have you noticed that when it comes to romantic pain will power just doesn’t work? Psychotherapists will sometimes tell clients, “Just switch your mind and don’t think about it.” Or “Get busy with other things so you don’t have time to think about the pain.” No one knows how to let go of thinking or stop it. But everyone has the ability to question their thoughts and look realistically at what’s happening.

We’ve all grown up being taught what’s good and bad and right and wrong about life. We’re sure we know what’s best for us. But the truth is we don’t even know who we are. We think we’re a person running our lives until we question and see that instead life is running us. Thoughts come out of nowhere and say, “He shouldn’t have lied to me,” “She shouldn’t have died,” “It shouldn’t be so hard to find the right person for me,” “I’m older and have wrinkles so who would want to be with me now.” But those are all thoughts we can question easily. It only takes a moment of total honesty to see that we don’t know what the heck we’re talking about. We just think we do, and that causes us a lot of pain until it’s questioned and we see the truth.

A few weeks after my wife died, I remember thinking, “She was only 54, and she shouldn’t have died so young.” Then for some reason – and this was long before I had the understanding I now have – I asked myself, “Can I be really sure her life would have been better if she had lived?” And the no that came out of that question was almost ear-splitting. Of course I couldn’t know that. At that moment it was clear that she was supposed to be dead because when I looked around she wasn’t here any longer. And it was just as clear that I was supposed to have a life because I was here, and something in me knew it was not supposed to be a life of grief and misery forever. I didn’t understand but I did see reality.

Questioning is a gentle, powerful tool that can take you instantly out of any psychological suffering you’re stuck in. It may seem too simple. It may seem crazy. But questioning takes you to the truth when you’re willing to give up what you think you know. And when you see the truth there’s nothing to resist and no way to create pain for yourself. After all, can you ever successfully argue with what is?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

247. You'll never succeed in dealing with the ghost under the bed

Pete was 67 and Alice was a few years younger when they met. There was immediate chemistry and they began seeing a lot of each other. After a few months, however, Pete began to notice some disturbing things about Alice. She seemed to be constantly picking at him in little ways, wanting him to change. This continued and Pete became increasingly unhappy. Friends asked why he didn’t move on and meet other women and he’d say, “Because she’s so sweet. When we first met I just knew I’d met the love for the rest of my life. I don’t want to let go of the woman I know is so right for me.”

When two people first get together one or both of them are often on their best behavior. They may not be very authentic in the beginning. But then with some time they become their real selves, and sometimes that’s not so endearing. Yet people stay in bad relationships, partly because the mind is so tenacious in its belief that it’s right. It doesn’t want to admit that it fell in love with an image, not the real Alice. Yes she was wonderful when she wanted Pete and was showing her best side. But there was also the other side – the critical, judgmental, controlling side that Pete hadn’t seen until later.

It’s painful to be in a relationship that isn’t kind and we often stay because we’ve believed an illusion created only in our minds. We’re not looking deep enough to see the truth. We want to believe we’re right.

The way out of these kinds of mind-entrapments is the way out of any kind of emotional suffering – inquire within and be honest. Ask yourself, for instance, was the Alice I met the real Alice? When I now see the entire picture of who Alice is do I still want to be with her?

When you’re hurting or uncomfortable in a relationship, and if you want to know the truth about it, you have to forget being right. Holding onto old concepts is holding onto pain. Being free of pain means seeing reality as it is, not the way you wish it was or think it should be. When we stop believing our concepts and see life as it really is we can deal with reality. We can never successfully deal with false images. That’s like trying to deal with the ghost under the bed.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

241. If your mature dating includes expectations you’ll suffer unnecessarily

The search for more happiness is why people want to date and find a partner. We expect that we’ll be happier with someone than without someone, especially as we get older. I saw an article recently reporting that the first world map of happiness was produced recently. Denmark came out on top. The Danes have ranked first in European satisfaction surveys for more than 30 years. One of the main reasons, according to researchers, is that as a nation Danish people have low expectations of life. While there were other reasons, the study authors said one thing was clear – the higher the expectations the deeper the disappointment when they’re not met.

The Ancients have been trying to tell us for eons, it seems, that we’re happy when we simply see that what we have is what we need, without expectations. They say, question your thoughts and beliefs about what would make you happy and see if you know they’re true. Can you definitely know you’d be happier with a date or partner right now? Do you know this person you’re now with is the right one, and you should never part?

The sages advise us to look at reality, without our unexamined beliefs and stories. For example, one ancient Chinese text, the Hsin Hsin Ming says,

Gain and loss, right and wrong: such thoughts must finally be abolished at once. If the eye never sleeps, all dreams will naturally cease. If the mind makes no discriminations, the ten thousand things are as they are, of single essence. To understand the mystery of this One-essence is to be released from all entanglements.

The idea, of course, is to trust the One-essence intelligence of the universe as it is, to realize that we’re being lived as one expression of that One-essence. That essence that breathes us, beats our hearts, and keeps the planets in place is harmony and perfection in action even when we don’t recognize that.

The Tao Te Ching, another ancient Chinese spiritual text, has this to say:

When people see some things as beautiful other things become ugly.
When people see some things as good other things become bad.

… Things arise and [the Master] lets them come; things disappear and [the Master] lets them go. [The Master] has, but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect.

And the Ashtavakra Gita, a revered East Indian spiritual text shares this:

As the air is everywhere, flowing around a pot and filling it, so God is everywhere, filling all things and flowing through them forever. (The One-essence.)

When will men ever stop setting one thing against another?
Let go of all contraries. Whatever comes, be happy and so fulfill yourself.

…With resolute dispassion free yourself from desire and find happiness.

Clearly, spiritually wise men and women through the ages are saying it’s our beliefs or stories about what should be that cause our suffering, not the reality of life as it is. Hopes and expectations are another way we look to a future we think we want, without really knowing what’s best for us. Can we really tell That which created us what we need?

Dating can be based on expectations, which will surely be dashed at some point, or dating can be just another interesting aspect of living, just as going to a park or enjoying a sunset. Dating is a way to be with a friend, which may develop into permanence.

The future will take care of itself, no matter what we think. One way to live is to want the future to be your way, and be miserable when it’s not. Another way is to simply see that life shows up one moment at a time, and to relish the mystery and surprise of it as it is. Life will always be as it is, just as it’s always been. Happiness is to live in harmony with that reality and date playfully – content, peaceful, and relaxed. When you don’t expect anything you can’t lose anything. Life without seeking is joy.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

240. With no dating agenda you’ll have easy fun instead of fear and nerves

If you’re nervous before you meet a date or partner you know you’ve got an agenda for that meeting and you’re afraid it won’t work the way you want it to. If there was nothing to lose you wouldn’t feel nervous. What’s the biggest thing people are afraid of losing in dating relationships? Their sense of self-worth.

They define themselves by what other people think of them so their fear of rejection can be huge. Conversely, when you don’t need anyone’s approval you spend time with a date and enjoy the adventure and the unfolding of whatever happens. That makes dating fun rather than an effort and struggle.

Many singles are so focused on winning approval from a guy or gal that it’s no wonder dating in these mature years is such a chore. If you believe you need appreciation or approval from a date that belief will probably show up in your body as fear and nervousness. If so, that’s a time when you could investigate honestly to see if those thoughts you’re holding are really true.

When you look you see that we never have any control over what someone thinks – about us or anything else. So why bother about what they think? That’s their business, just as what you think is your business. “I need her approval,” is that true? “I need him to think I’m great,” is that really true? Aren’t you paying an awfully high price if you believe self-created lies like those? Reality would never agree with you.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

237. Do you feel bad because your neck tells the truth about your age?

One of the reasons some people are leery about dating in these mature or senior years is the very fact that they are mature; they’re older. It turns out, according to the experts, that age has as much or more to do with attitude as it does with years. That’s probably not news to you. I’ve met a number of people 55 and beyond who seem to “think” old. They joke about senior moments and say they can’t do this or that any more “at my age.”

I read this morning about a popular book by Nora Ephron titled, I Feel Bad About My Neck. She writes humorously, “Our faces are lies and our necks are the truth. You have to cut open a redwood tree to see how old it is, but you wouldn't have to if it had a neck.” She’s right; our necks seem to indicate our age often more than our faces do.

But carrying “old age” ideas into life and mature dating probably isn’t going to make your dating very much fun or successful. Instead of being excited about all the things you could do with a date or partner you may be thinking of all your limitations. You even approach your first meeting with this new guy or gal thinking about your aging body and telling yourself you have to try to be perky. But one expert says, "Don't get bogged down in all the hype about aging. Once you start thinking about it, it can drive you mad. There's nothing you can do; the clock is going to tick away."

It’s also important to get over your stereotypes or mental images about aging. You may have picked up ideas that aging means life loses its happiness. But are those stories you’ve told yourself true? When you start believing stressful thoughts you’ll feel the discomfort and suffering. You know then that it’s time to question those beliefs. If you’re suffering from worry, sadness or desperation those self-created hurts can be undone by simply investigating what’s true.

The article I read this morning reported on a couple – he’s 79 and she’s 80 – who took a week-long backpacking trip alone in the wilderness last year. He had taken up mountain climbing after he retired and has climbed Mount Whitney, Kilimanjaro and hiked to the Mount Everest base camp. Does that fit your stereotype of older folks?

Living happily and peacefully, I’ve realized, is always living in reality, not our stories about reality. Reality is the way things are. Change will happen. That’s life. It’s not bad unless we think it’s bad. Yet why worry about something that may never happen, like being debilitated? When we simply live in the moment we can trust that as changes in our bodies take place we can deal with them sanely and without stress when the time comes. We simply see and enjoy life as it is, however that is. How do you know you’re not supposed to be as vigorous and vibrant as you once were? You’re not. Nothing to fight or resist. You’re left to just do what you do and be happy without a story. Everything you need to deal with any event will be there when you need it.

The clear message is to question your beliefs and see what’s true. Is it true you shouldn’t be slowing down or getting a neck that shows your age if that’s what’s happening? Obviously not. Would you start a war with reality by fighting a battle reality will always win because it’s just what is?

As you put yourself out there in dating you can be sure you’ll be a much more attractive date and potential partner if you’re happily seeing the beauty of life as it really is instead of falling prey to your beliefs about how it should be or terrifying yourself about how it might be in the future.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

235. Give up control and see what a fun adventure mature dating can be

Have you ever noticed how much most of us try to control life? That idea is so habitually pervasive that we don’t even notice it. Yet when we’re trying to control and can’t succeed it leaves us with an ongoing stress and uneasiness that serves as the background for all our waking moments. We carry that disappointing grayness with us everywhere.

Here are just a few examples of how we try to control situations pertaining to dating:
o We work hard to say the right thing or look the right way so our new date will approve of us. (We’re trying to control what they approve of.)
o With anger or withdrawal we try to make our partner live the way we want them to live and be who we want them to be.
o We lie and spread on compliments we don’t believe so we can get something from our partner.
o We fail to say no when that would be honest so we can gain the favor of our partner.
o Our partner ends our connection and we feel sad and hurt because we can’t make life be the way we want it to be.
o We use jealousy as a tool to try to control who our partner allows into her life.

In these ways and countless others we make ourselves miserable by trying to control life, without realizing that life is living us and we have no more control than a flower has over when it opens or a tree controls when leaves bud in the spring.

If this doesn’t make sense question just the ordinary everyday happenings in life and things might look different for you. How much control did you have over the weather today, or the instant you fell asleep last night, or the moment of your birth or your height, eye color or hair thickness? Did you control when you last got sick or the last thought you had? If control really worked wouldn’t we have pretty much everything the way we want it by this age in our lives?

Life has been as it is for centuries before we got here and will probably continue for centuries after we’re gone – all without any control by us. Don’t you think we’ve come on the scene pretty late to exercise any control over how life decides to be? Since we, as humans, are another expression of life just being itself maybe we could just notice that, and watch instead of trying to control. If you try this you’ll be amazed at how simple life is and how happy you’ll be while dating at this age of your life. The stress, anxiety, worry, disappointment and despair can all be gone. If they show up again they’re just the perfect signal to remind you that you’re trying to control life again.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

233. Stop giving yourself up in mature dating by seeing life as it really is

Any time we expect someone else to make us happy we’re going to suffer. When we think our partner is responsible for our happiness we often give ourselves up to that person so they’ll give us what we think we need. We make an unspoken bargain with them – I’ll give you this so I can have that. And what we expect from them they can never deliver because we’re the decider of what happiness is at any moment. Since that’s true how could someone else ever make us happy?

I know of a situation where a man brought his wife eggs and toast and she responded with: “Why do you give me eggs on a dinky, little plate like this?” Someone else, of course, would be happy that her husband was so thoughtful. Clearly, it wasn’t the action that made this woman unhappy. It was her thoughts and beliefs at the moment. Happiness never has anything to do with someone else.

Often we’re operating under two misconceptions in romantic relationships. First, we believe our partners can make us happy, and second we believe we have to manipulate them to get what we believe only they can give. But are those beliefs true? Just as someone else’s words can’t hurt us unless we choose to feel hurt, someone’s words and actions can’t make us happy unless we choose it.

I talked with a woman recently who told me she’s learning – in her mid-60s – “not to give myself away while I’m dating.” She has seen that she’s sometimes dishonest with herself and gives in to things she doesn’t want so she can get the love she think she needs. Then she doesn’t like herself very much of course.

Giving ourselves away isn’t self-love. No wonder we think we need to have someone else give us love. Since we’re not giving it to ourselves where else will we get it? Seeing it this way it may be clearer that we love ourselves when we stop long enough to see what’s true. Seeing life as it is, is seeing reality. It’s when we think it should be our way and we try to manipulate and control things to get our way that we suffer. If you don’t win the love and approval of the person you thought would give that to you, have you lost anything? No, that’s the way things are.

You can never win when you argue with reality. After all, do we really, really know things should be our way rather than the way they are? How do we deal with it when we see that we’re resisting what is? By investigating, asking some questions, looking inside: “Is it true I need love from any other person?” What price am I paying when I bargain and give in because I believe that thought?”

The most important relationship we’ll ever have is our relationship with our own thoughts and beliefs. They’re the single cause of our psychological suffering, and seeing through them to the reality that is, is the only way to end that suffering. Living with our stories – those thoughts and beliefs – will kill happiness and kill relationships because our stories and fairy tales cause us to be dishonest, manipulative and controlling. No relationship can happily thrive under those conditions.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

232. Look and truly see… do you really need their approval?

When we’re children we learn to define ourselves by what other people think of us. We get praise from parents, teachers and other authorities when we do what they want. And we get criticized when we don’t.

Unfortunately as grownups, even in our 50s, 60s and beyond, we’re still trying to get others to approve of us, especially when we’re meeting and dating. “Will he like my hair?” “Is this color too bright?” "What if she’s dressed up and I’m wearing jeans?” “Gosh, maybe I shouldn’t have let her know I’m not always the confident guy I may appear to be.” It’s as though we’re saying to everyone, “Please like me so I can think I’m okay. Don’t disapprove of me because then I’m worthless.” That sounds like a silly exaggeration doesn’t it? But take a real look, if you’re interested.

Living with the need for approval takes so much energy and is so stressful. Worse, when we need approval so badly we can’t be our natural selves, so the person we’re with never gets to see the real “me”. We’re working so hard at doing it right that we’re being phony – sometimes so phony we hate ourselves later for giving in to what we didn’t want just to get approval.

While it’s easy to see how we got into the habit of thinking we need approval, it’s also easier than you might think to break it. All you need to do is question that habitual belief. If you look into it deeply you’ll probably see that what someone thinks of you has nothing to do with what you think of yourself. That is, unless you believe it matters. It’s all your own belief. You need someone’s approval, is that true?

I’ll throw in a little warning here: People often hear that investigating and seeing reality is the whole answer and they say, “Aw, it couldn’t be that simple.” If you’re thinking that I invite you to give it a try. Honestly look deep into the matter and see what’s really true for you.

Without that old belief think how much lighter and easier life would be. You’d just move smoothly and spontaneously through life, taking what comes, including anyone’s opinion about you. After all, they have a right to their opinions. And for them their opinions are right. But those opinions have nothing – not one thing – to do with you. If you really examine that carefully and see through the myth you’ve believed all your life it’ll be hard to be concerned about what anyone else thinks. You’re free then, and dating can be just a fun adventure.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer