105. You’re automatically a manipulating machine if you need that person

Have you ever noticed that when we’ve got to have something – anything – we’ve snared ourselves in our own trap? That’s no more obvious than when we feel we have to be with a certain partner. We’re trapped. And in that trap we have to try to manipulate situations to get out of it. So if the person we’re stuck with – in our minds – isn’t the way we want them to be we have to change them. It’s our self-generated illusion but it seems real.

It works like this, and in this order:
1. I need to be with Jane.
2. Jane isn’t the way I want her to be.
3. I need Jane to change so I can be happy.
4. I can only change Jane by manipulating her in some way, which might include being phony-nice, lying, threatening, getting angry, showing jealousy, becoming silent, ranting and raving or lots of other controlling behaviors we all know.

The whole problem starts with a false idea doesn’t it? I need Jane. Is that true? Of course not. By this age most of us have had partners, and even if there’s a deep feeling of loss and ache when a beloved partner dies, we still live don’t we? If we needed our partner we wouldn’t have survived.

When either partner in a relationship is in need, that relationship isn’t going to be happy. The needy partner automatically begins to manipulate and control because there’s so much fear of loss, and at the same time fear of being a victim in the trap they’ve set for themselves. We think we need that partner to do and say certain things so we can be happy. If they don’t march to the tune we’re playing we have to change their music.

When you don’t need to have someone in your life, on the other hand, you’re not compelled to change them. Why would I need to change someone? I’m not stuck with them. I can leave any time I want to. When I’m free to leave I’m also free to stay. So
if I stay to work out issues with a partner that’s a choice. I don’t feel trapped and I have no need to manipulate or change a partner. I’m free and so is my partner – free from the cajoling and forcing and pushing and squeezing I’d be doing if I needed her.

Manipulation isn’t love, no matter how you cut it or what form it takes. It’s always self-centered fear that’s calling the signals when you try to control someone. Isn’t love wanting the other to be free, and wanting for them what they want for themselves? Can force and control and manipulation ever lead to freedom and joy for both of you? If you’re in a needy or jealous relationship watch out. It’ll bite you in the butt for sure!

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

104. Does desire for a partner make you deaf to alarms and warning bells?

It happens pretty often in relationships that one person expects the other to take care of his or her feelings. Jill may say something that triggers strong feelings in Russ and he lets her know he’s unhappy, and “it’s her fault”. Of course it’s never the other person’s fault if we’re unhappy but unless we’ve examined life a bit it can appear that way.

I’ve dated a few women where that was evident quite soon; my choice was not to be with someone who wanted me to be responsible for her happiness. The other day I was reminded of a friend Patty I knew some years ago who had met a man she said “gets fired up when I even mention other men." They were both in their 70s, an age when we might think we’d have learned to deal with jealousy but that’s another myth. After my mom died, and my dad, in his late 80s, began to attend a seniors coffee klatch once a week he told me lots of tales of jealousy among the 70 and 80 year olds there. But that’s another story.

My friend Patty was a woman who had told me earlier she liked men and she liked to flirt. She did it in a harmless way but she enjoyed the banter of joking and teasing with men under the right circumstances. That was an obvious part of her character. When I asked her how she felt about her guy’s jealousy she said, “I just have to keep my mouth shut.” Her plan, after five months of dating, was to move to another state and marry this man.

Isn’t that a red flag? Isn’t it a warning signal that maybe here’s a man whose jealousy could lead to a lot of controlling behavior? I can’t recall the numerous times I’ve been told by single women and men about problems in a relationship that seemed to just pop up out of nowhere. But when I’ve asked, “Did you see no red flags at all before this happened?” the answer every single time – and I do mean every time – has been, “Yeah, I saw them but I didn’t want to admit it to myself.”

We’re not blind – unless we want to be. Unless we think we can control life and we’re going to make it conform to our way. Desire, no matter what the desire is for, always has its opposite when we rely on its attainment for happiness. The other side of desire and want is fear or loss just as the other side of wealth is poverty, or the other side of light is dark. Getting something we want always has its flip side. For starters, there’s the worry of losing what we’ve gotten, if nothing else. And in relationships there’s the possibility of suffering as we sometime struggle to know each other. Do we really want to start off a relationship with jealousy that we know will lead to control and manipulation?

Life is about what happens, not what we think should happen or what we want to happen, but what actually happens. What happens is always crystal clear and easy to see when we don’t have blinders on. It always works better when we see reality just as it is because we’re dealing with the truth, not emotion-laden interpretations that can always mislead us. Without our stories of what should be or our fantasies of what we want it to be we can simply see what is. With clarity we have a chance to find partnerships that are free, peaceful, happy and fulfilling.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

103. Are you living in a self-made prison for fear of rejection?

Over my lifetime I’ve done quite a lot of work in the area of self-discovery that involved participating in small groups with some intimate and deep emotional sharing. Adding those experiences to my own dating experiences over the past 10-plus years what I’ve noticed is that fear of rejection is a big issue for people. We’ve all suffered that heartache that comes from a lost relationship and it seems to hurt so much that we’ll do almost anything not to suffer that again.

Often what happens when we’re trying to avoid hurt is that we’re not honest with ourselves or the people we’re dating. That leads to trying to read their minds or second-guess them. To me, freedom in a relationship is paramount. That means being free to be yourself in all cases. When that happens it usually leads to much clearer and open communication.

We don’t want to ask Suzie if she’s angry when she seems cool and distant because we don’t want to hear the answer. But is it true that’ll keep us from pain? My experience is that it leads to pain rather than prevents it. If Suzie is pulling away from you isn’t it going to happen anyway if you don’t talk about it? On the other hand, if you can be honest enough to ask her, and she can honestly tell you the truth you have a chance to resolve something. Or if it can’t be resolved at least you’re not playing mind-reading games that can lead to a lot of hurt and anger. If you need to part it can be done in a warm spirit of caring if two people are mature enough to realize the reality of life, that people need to part sometimes.

The same is true with asking for what you want, from what I’ve seen. If you go along with your partner because it appears to be the way to maintain the relationship, but all the while you’re giving yourself up, where is your freedom to be you? If you lock yourself in a self-imposed prison of “going along” to keep your partner happy how long can that last? Won’t you eventually get tired of that and the truth of who you are will appear anyway? Fear of losing a relationship can never be a happy relationship. It’s guaranteed to break down eventually – probably sooner than later – because no one can hide their real nature forever. Is that the way any of us want to live?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

102. Your dating life is perfect… unless you think it should be different

When you review your life have you ever noticed that so many things happened that were “accidents”, and some completely changed your life? I know two men trained as engineers who eventually found themselves in marketing and public relations fields, just by quirks of happenstance. You know people who met their spouses in totally unexpected ways, or moved to a certain part of the world when that was never in their plan at all.

Most of us, now living the single life in our mature years, never planned it that way. We didn’t ever want to be divorced. We didn’t plan for our spouse to die. But it happened. And here we are, alone and single and sometimes wondering, What the heck do I do now?

There’s a story of a man who was hiking and fell off a ledge. Part way down he caught himself by his finger tips and he was hanging with a long drop below him. So he yelled, “Is there anyone up there? Help! Help!” A voice answered, “Yes, I’m here.” So the man yelled back, “Can you help me?” And the voice said, “Yes, I’m God and I can help you. Do exactly what I say and you’ll be safe.” The man was very relieved and said, “Okay, tell me and I’ll do whatever you say.”
God said, “Let go.” After a short pause the man yelled, “Is there anyone else up there?”

The point is that at some stage of our life we sometimes realize we’re not in control. Life happens, even when we’re asleep. We keep breathing, our heart keeps beating, food digests… and we’re not even conscious. Maybe we can start to see that the universe is operating perfectly and in perfect balance, even when a lot of times we don’t think so. Maybe we can just let go.

When you think about it, you realize that it’s not possible for the human intellect to understand the workings of the universe in its infinite intelligence. We don’t wake up in the morning and decide whether to think or not and we don’t decide the moment we’ll fall asleep at night. A little looking reveals we haven’t lived our lives, they’re being lived.

New Age thinking says we create our own reality by the thoughts and beliefs we hold in our minds. Think poor and you’ll be poor. Think rich and you’ll be rich. Really? If that were true wouldn’t all those New Agers be rich? And if everyone were rich there wouldn’t be a “rich” because to have rich you have to have it’s opposite, poor.

Or consider this, how possible would it be for 5 billion people on this planet to be getting their own way by their own will power or beliefs. Not very likely is it? Or you might think that prayer is doing it for you. It’s not you running life but your prayers are making it turn out the way you want. Is that really possible? How can God answer each person’s prayer when you think of the players on opposing football teams all praying to win? Somebody has to lose.

So the bottom line is that life works much better for us when we stop trying to control it and watch it unfold the only way it ever has worked or ever will work, just the way it is. We might even begin to see that we’re simply another object in life and Life happens through us and as us. It’s not easy at first to think of ourselves as just part of the flow of life. We’re used to thinking that we are doing life when in fact it’s the other way around, life is doing us.

So what’s this have to do with mature dating? This. When you see that life is the way it is, you can just surrender to it moment to moment. All the pressure is off. You’re no longer thinking it has to be your way. You’re not attached to what happens. There’s an ease and a relaxation. A date turns out the way it turns out. Without labeling and judging it’s not good or bad, it’s just the way it is. Period. When we stop arguing with life and wanting what it doesn’t give us we live without problems. There’s a constant sense of well-being. We see reality as it is and just be and have fun. Every day is Christmas when we accept Presence as the present it is.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

101. Why worry when there’s no future and no “you” to change it?

Have you ever noticed that worry is a totally self-centered stream of thinking? Even when we say we’re worried about a loved one, we may think our worry is for them. Really it’s for ourselves. Behind the concern we have for our loved one is the concern about “what will this do to me?”

It happens in dating as well. Especially in these more mature years when we’d like to share partnership and love with someone as we get older, I’ve noticed there’s often a sense of worry among men and women. There’s the worry about what’ll happen to you if you don’t find a partner. And when you do find someone you worry that she may not want to be with you. If it doesn’t work out will I be able to find another guy or gal?

What I’ve learned, though, is that worry is always only an illusion. First there’s the illusion of a future we know nothing about and that isn’t real. And then there’s the illusion that there’s a “little me” who could do something about it.

Living always happens only now. Thoughts of the past or future only happen now. Even five billion light years from now is only a thought about a future that will never be. When it happens it’s now, because there’s no such thing as future except as thought. The only real and vital thing we could call life happens only now, never any other moment. Before it happens and after it happens are just dead memories.

So when we worry about the future we’re living in a dream. Somehow we think that if we worry about it we’ll be able to do something to control it. The reality is that when tomorrow becomes now we’ll have the resources and know-how to do what needs doing at the time. The same Presence or Power that makes every moment possible also lives us as we’re meant to be lived in that moment.

And that “little me” that thinks it has some control? Is there really a “me” who needs to worry? Or have you noticed that life shows up just the way it does, in its own style and time, for every one of us uniquely. We don’t have a say in it. Even our thoughts we don’t control. If we did would we ever have unhappy thoughts? When our worry thoughts get too heavy wouldn’t we just flip the “off” switch and rest for awhile? But we don’t know where the “off” switch is. And further looking shows there’s no “we” at all. Life or Livingness is living as everything, including people, planets, rain showers, little bugs and flowers that bloom in the spring.

So why worry? When worry thoughts come, notice they’re not yours. You didn’t ask for them. And if you don’t indulge them or fight them they’ll simply drift away. Unless you give them energy they can’t exist. Instead, you can just be in life and watch it roll out in front of you, moment by moment. It might feel helpless at first. We’re trained to “do something”. But if you just see life as it is, without a need to fix or change it, you’ll notice a quiet peace you might not have experienced very often. You could call it living fully -- without worry.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

100. Dating pain relief isn’t about doing and fixing, it’s about seeing – just seeing

I get a regular e-newsletter from a prominent psychologist and author. I admire much of her work that’s available for people who want to improve themselves. At one point in my life, before I came to the understanding that we're all "being lived", I found her work extremely worthwhile. In today’s newsletter she talked about changing our damaged and wounded selves so we can negotiate life more easily.

When we’re in pain (and dating, even in our mature years, can sometimes lead to immense pain) we naturally think we have to do something to get out of the pain. That’s what we’ve been taught all our lives – that if we do something our lives will change.

Unfortunately, that method presupposes that there’s a “me” with an independent nature and power, who can do something. It’s that same idea of a “me” that thinks something needs to change. And that same “me” who indulges in the hurt in the first place.

Getting past our dating hurts isn’t about doing something. There may be a temporary fix in that method but what the sages and saints have asked of us throughout history is to stop and take a look inside. They’re telling us that when we simply be with a situation and just watch it, without engaging in it, the emotions simply die away on their own. When we’re busy trying to do something we’re fully engaged with thoughts and the feelings they arouse. We’re resisting “what is”, and that’s always the cause of our pain.

Life – including our dating life – happens as it happens. It doesn’t go the way “we” want, it goes the way it goes. Have you noticed? We can argue and fight and resist and dig in our heels as much as we want and Life still does what it does. Period. That’s the end of the story. If we look we see this. What’s more, we as so-called persons are simply a part of Life functioning as it does. It functions as thunderbolts, gorgeous sunsets, cute puppies and apparent people. The key word there is “It functions AS….” Life, It, God, Spirit, The One – whatever words you want to apply, is everything. “What is” is another term for God.

When we stop overlooking the natural Presence and Awareness that we are we see that we’re not independent entities who can do anything. We’re simply an appearance in that One Presence that allows everything to be. The sages often called it space-like awareness because it’s like space, the one indescribable nothingness that allows everything to show up. Without it nothing could be.

This all sounds pretty ethereal and mystical. How does it apply to the painful emotions that can arise in a dating relationship? It applies this way, and it’s this simple. So simple the mind fights it. And for good reason: It’s the death of the mind. When we look deep inside and discover that we can’t find anything that can be called “me” except for a thought, we’re relieved of a huge burden.

No longer do “I” (the apparent person) have to make my life work. No longer do “I” have to fix or change or correct anything in life. Instead, in that understanding that we’re being lived, we can simply relax and watch life unfold the way it does. If something feels painful in a relationship we can notice that it’s we who put meaning to something and then felt hurt as a result. Without our interpretation and judgment a thing is just what it is. Do we really know John shouldn’t have dropped us? Am I sure Mary shouldn’t be angry at me? No, of course not. What’s the reality? “What’s happening” is the reality. No need to fight it or try to control it because we’ll always lose – the apparent “we”, that is.

The natural state of a baby is uncritical, undemanding, nonjudgmental. When a baby’s physical needs are met she lives in a natural state of joy and wonder. Except for being involved with thoughts, that’s our natural state too. Christ said it: “Unless you become like a child you’ll never enter into the kingdom of heaven.” That kingdom wasn’t meant to be some future life. He had to be speaking of the natural peace and ease of life that is the essence of who we all are. Stop and see. When you watch thoughts for just a moment, instead of grappling with them and engaging with them, you’ll see there’s just a quiet happiness. You might like it.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

99. Your relationship isn’t working. Is that true?

Some years ago I had a friend, Julie, then in her mid-50’s who had been married twice and had recently gone through the painful ending of a two-year relationship. When it ended she said, “I don’t know, maybe I just won’t date again; I know some women my age who have just given up and feel it’s best to stay alone. But I also really want a relationship.” She went on to say, “I do my career well but I don’t do relationships well. I can’t seem to make them work.”

At the time I didn’t know this but now I understand that the label we put on relationships is false. We say this relationship didn’t work. How true is that? Didn’t it work the way it worked? When we have an idea of how it should be, and it doesn’t match that we say it didn’t work. But, according to who? Can we know for sure that any relationship is supposed to be forever?

People often say the same about their marriages: “My marriage failed.” Did it? Or was it supposed to have been exactly as it was; you were supposed to have been together precisely as long as you were, not a minute shorter or longer. How do we know this? Because when we see the reality of life from our own direct experience we can see that this is the way it is. There’s no lesson to be learned, no mystical happening at all. It’s just the simple livingness of life. It has calm and storms, ups and downs, tides going in and out, seasons changing one after another. Nature doesn’t argue with itself or think it should be a different way.

So if you’re in a painful dating relationship what do you do? Actually, nothing. You don’t do anything but you can see life for what it is. No matter what your partner is saying or doing you can be at peace if you simply watch life as it unfolds rather than making stories about how it should be. No relationship has to work in the way we usually mean that term. If your partner causes you to hurt it’s a chance to see what you’re resisting because emotional pain is always about resisting “what is”.

Should your partner be doing what he’s doing? Yes – because he’s doing it. Should it be raining when it’s raining? Yes because it is. Maybe if you drop your judgments about your partner you could see that he’s an innocent little boy, just doing his best. And so are you, no matter what age you are. Life is living through us as us. When we stop trying to be in control and stop believing our thoughts we’re left with just stillness and calm. Action still happens, the work gets done. But we’re then in the natural state of just seeing that we are part of the functioning of life. Nothing to do but float along on the stream, doing the next most obvious thing in front of you while knowing at the same time that you’re really not the doer at all. It’s effortless and peaceful that way.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer