292. A love companion can never fill your emotional void or make you happy

Some years ago I dated a woman for a short time who was very successful in her career but she admitted that when it came to relationships she always ended up choosing the same kind of person and it was a disaster. On the outside her two husbands and other committed dating companions she had had were quite different. But on the inside, it turned out, they were pretty much the same. They all filled a hole in her for a short time but eventually the game was up and things flew apart.

Until we understand that always the primary relationship we have is with ourselves, we’ll be looking for another person to complete our lives or make us whole and we’ll never be happy. Successful relationships don’t work that way. Unless we bring a healthy, happy emotional grounding to any relationship we’re always going to be victims of that person we choose.

We end up manipulating our partner or date because we think we need to keep them in place so they’ll continue to give us what we lack. If they don’t show love in the way we think they should, for instance, we get scared. That fear can turn to anger with our partner for betraying us. Or we may find we’re bending ourselves into a pretzel to do everything we think our partner wants so we won’t be abandoned. Both are just different forms of manipulation. And of course it pushes your partner away because you’re expecting them to do your job, which is to make yourself happy.

What it comes down to is that we attract to ourselves the kind of person who fills the hole in us. For example, if we’re needy we attract a care-taker. If we’re controlling we attract a pushover. It’s simply the nature of how life works, this time showing up in relationships: you can’t have up without down or in without out. And you can’t have needy without a care-taker. But the care-taker and the pushover can only exist in that environment for so long, then all hell breaks loose when they can’t stand their roles any more.

Then the needy, or controlling, or care-taking one moves on to the next date or partner and the cycle repeats, complete with all its pain. Seeing it this way it’s clear that relationship problems aren’t ever about “them.” Any emotional hurt we ever feel is always about us. That’s why we get such a huge payoff when we’re willing to look honestly at the realities of life and question our beliefs. If we’re needy we can look to see if it’s true that we can’t take care of ourselves. If we’re a controller is it true we need to control so we won’t feel fearful and insecure? One question you might ask, for example, is this: Is there security in this world?

If you’re a person who seems to end up with the same kind of problem in virtually every romantic relationship you have, you can stop all the pain by just turning inside rather than jumping to someone outside to make you feel good. Find out the truth of who you are and stop telling yourself the lies that keep you victimized. Finding someone to fill your emotional holes just ain’t never gonna work!

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

205. What he described as care and concern she described as feeling stangled by love

Seeing danger signals in a dating relationship can prevent a great deal of suffering in the future. I’ve met a number of men and women who have been hurt when the man or woman of their dreams turned out to be someone different from the person they thought they knew. When they discussed what happened virtually all of them said there were warning signs they should have heeded but ignored because they didn’t want to see them.

A few months ago Annie, a woman I know, was telling me about a man she’d been seeing recently. “He’s a really nice man,” she said, “but I feel strangled by love.” She could have said, “strangled by false love,” and we’ll see why. This man was a widower in his 70s and had lived a life of achievement and success, well-educated and accomplished – a strong Christian. Yet Annie felt constant pressure from him. Not pressure for sex but pressure to let him take care of her and be the partner and protector in her life. He wanted her to carry pepper spray when she walked, for instance, and even gave her some and asked if she was using it. She didn’t feel a need for it but he wanted her to use it anyway.

One day she was telling him of a volunteer job she had that caused her to drive a long distance on the freeway. He tried to dissuade her from making that drive. He pointed to statistics describing how driving more miles on the freeway leads to more risk of being in an accident, and eventually said to her, “You know, you owe it to the people who love you not to take risks like that.”

She was dismayed and immediately knew didn’t feel good in her gut, she said. The problem with a statement like that is that while it doesn’t feel good it can sound so much like love that it’s sometimes hard to figure out what’s really going on. The statement can feel like love because it seems to say, “Oh, look how much he cares, he doesn’t want me to be hurt.” But since it didn’t feel good to Annie let’s look behind the words and see what’s really being said.

A little inquiry can bring some clarity. The statement this man made was: “You owe it to the people who love you not to take risks like that.” First, he clearly puts himself in the group of “people who love you” so we can narrow his statement down to, “You owe it to me….” Now we can see he’s not really taking care of Annie’s friends and relatives, whom he doesn’t even know, he’s taking care of himself. So let’s just be clear about that first.

Next, his statement is actually saying, “You owe it to me not to live the life you want, but to live the way I want because, after all, I love you and I know what’s best for you.” That may sound like a harsh assessment of his statement but we’re here to look at reality not to whitewash it. We also don’t need to judge him or think he’s wrong. In a confused view of life this is what love may appear to look like. But why, then, doesn’t it feel good to someone like Annie to hear this?

When you consider his statement more thoroughly is it love or is it control? He’s really saying, “It’s up to you to take care of my feelings and I worry (my feelings) when you drive long distances and risk being in an accident so please stop it (take care of me).” Control is always nothing more than that – someone trying to get us to live their way so they can be happy. This man’s statement to Annie is a huge, neon sign flashing: “Control! Control! Control!” If there’s control in this aspect of life isn’t it likely – about 100% likely – that this man will also try to control in other ways? If he wants Annie to take care of his feelings in this instance he’ll surely want to make her responsible for his feelings in other areas. (“It’s your job to visit my adult children with me,” for example.) All this is in the name of love, of course.

Love isn’t controlling. Love is about freedom and care without control. It doesn’t say, “My love demands that you take care of me.” No, love says, “Because I love you I want you to live your way and if I’m worried that’s my problem, not yours, and I’m the one who needs to take care of it.”

In any relationship, where one or both people are dependent and needy, there will be obvious signs of trouble if we just pay attention. How do you see these danger signals? It’s easy – your body will tell you. Our deeper wisdom knows when something doesn’t feel right, even if we can’t put our finger on it consciously at first. A little deep inquiry will always show us the light.

Then all we need to do is move away from that controlling behavior, without judgment or condemnation. You may even feel compassion but you don’t get unwittingly sucked in with behavior that wears the mask of love and concern but is really manipulation and control when you peer under the mask. If you don’t see control early it’s a guarantee that you’ll pay the price later in a relationship, when the clinging, needy behavior begins to feel like being “strangled by love” – false love masquerading as real.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer