194. Can “they” make you unhappy or have you taken on that job?

When we’re unhappy with a dating relationship we usually think the problem points away from us. It’s them. We think, “If he hadn’t,” “Her words hurt,” “If only he would,” “She shouldn’t have,” …and all those statements point exactly in the wrong direction. We think “they” are causing our pain and suffering. So we try to change him or alter her so we can be happy. It’s what people have done forever, and it can’t work because “they” aren’t the problem.

Isn’t it logical that the one who’s suffering has the problem? If you’re hurting and you go to sleep at night, where is the pain? Gone. Isn’t that proof that the suffering lives in you? Instead of trying to change the men or women who show up on our dating movie screen the answer is to turn completely around and clean up the projector. Forget the projected.

When there are bits of dirt on the lens of the projector we get black spots on the screen. You can scrub all day trying to clean spots off the people on the screen but will it ever work? The answer is to clean the lens. Then we see the people without flaws. Without our fuzzy projector we can see they’re just being who they are.

Until we investigate reality with a little questioning we don’t see that we are the projectors of the life movie on our world screen. We are the ones who are deciding something “they” did was wrong, and we create our own suffering. When you think people should be different you’re living in a dream. It’s not reality. Reality is what is. Hank says something you don’t like and you hurt. What Hank says is reality. Your being hurt by it is your projection. If we prefer someone who acts another way we can always move on. But how can trying to change them make us happy when we’re the ones who have decided to be unhappy? It’s all about our projections as we each create the world we live in.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

193. This woman fell in love with her fantasy, not reality. Could you too?

I read recently about a woman who said her love for her husband has been dying ever since she met another man online about a year ago. She’d never met the man in person but fell in love with what he said about his values, his children, etc. Obviously she was in love with her image, not the man since she didn’t even really know him. It reminded me of how often I’ve seen that happen to friends and acquaintances in this mature dating age. Assuming they're single, they aren’t at risk of losing a marriage, but they are at risk of deceiving themselves when they fall in love with their imagined partner, not the person in front of them.

You’re probably falling in love with your image rather than the actual person if you haven’t taken some time to really see that person. At first it’s easy for any date to put on a fake face and pretend to be exactly what’s important to you. You love family? Oh, he does too. You love stock car racing? Well, so does she.

You can also be pretty sure you’re falling in love with your image rather than reality if you want that person to change. If so, chances are good that you’re falling in love with the changed person you imagine, not the real person in front of you. You picture the perfect partner or spouse and your picture includes all your dreams of how your partner would live and treat you.

But what if you see that person just as she is right now, without any changes? Is that still the person you could fall in love with, not expecting her to be different from right now? What sets apart happy, peaceful people from unhappy, stressed people is that happy people know the difference between reality and their thoughts about reality. Reality is “what is”. Your thoughts about reality are what you “want to be”. Fantasies are beautiful. They just can’t stand up to the light of real life.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

192. All stressful dating experiences can be questioned to find peace and happiness

I’ve talked in the past about Byron Katie, a woman who woke up to reality after many years of deep depression. I’ve been reading her latest book, A Thousand Names for Joy, which in many ways is an account of how she lives life without judgments, and the peace that can bring anyone. The book also explains how to use a method she’s called The Work to question thoughts that cause suffering.

Dating has a way of focusing and pinpointing feelings we might not have known we had. Jealousy or fears of loss are good examples. What Katie shares, and what masters and sages have shared throughout the centuries, is that it’s only believing our thoughts that makes us hurt. Reality itself isn’t painful, only our judgments about it.

We may not know how to let go of painful thoughts but that’s not necessary. What we can always do is question the truth of them. What is, is always true. We can’t argue with it. Our beliefs about what is are false when they argue with that reality. As we question often long-held beliefs we see through them; we realize they're not true.

So any time your life is pained with thoughts such as, “He should,” “I need,” “It’s not fair,” “I’m too old,” all you need to do is question the truth of those beliefs. Questions always take us back to reality, which is nothing other than this, right here, right now. Facts don’t hurt us. Opinions about those facts hurt.

The four questions of Katie’s work seem too simple to be effective. They’re profound because of their simplicity and their ability to lead us inside. The answers are never “out there,” which is where most of us look. Looking out there makes us victims. Looking in here gives us clarity.

If you want more peace and joy in your dating I invite you to try the questions of The Work. Take any painful thought you have, write it down, then apply Katie’s four questions:

1. Is my thought true?
2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do I react when I believe that thought?
4. Who would I be without the thought?

For more about The Work, and to print out a work sheet that helps you put your suffering thoughts on paper so you can question them go to www.thework.com. Or see reviews of any of Katie’s three books on Amazon.com.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

191. His clinging pushes away the very romance he so desperately seeks

I’ve said in other pages here that at this age in life many mature daters I’ve encountered feel desperate. Loneliness can drive concerns about age and finding companionship, especially if there’s been a recent divorce or death of a spouse. The desperate dater may feel, This may be my last chance. That feeling of desperation can kill a new relationship or friendship, however. A despairing, lonely person is needy and tries to force romance too quickly. It backfires.

I’ve recently heard about a man in his late 70s who began seeing a woman, and after a short time, even though she said she wanted to take things slowly, he was bringing gifts, including fine nightgowns. Her reaction? Initially she liked the attention but soon she felt pressured. She realized he was making her his escape from the pain of recent widowhood. He was falling fast in love with his image of who she was, without really knowing her.

When we feel that someone out there can supply our happiness we’ve missed the train. Others can share joy in our lives but we have to be our own happiness. Joy is always in the moment, never out there and in the future. If you rely on others for your happiness you’ll always be their slave. The moment they fail to give you what you want you suffer, hopelessly.

We can give ourselves the happiness we seek and never worry about it being withdrawn, however, because true contentment, joy, and happiness is what’s left and has always been there, lying in wait, when we stop our internal war with life. How? By seeing that reality is all there has ever been. We start our war when we oppose and argue and fight with reality – what is. When we see the falseness of our opinions and judgments there’s no more war. The natural joy of our being is what remains and has always been there. It’s not something we have to find or work to get. It’s what flows naturally when our confused resistance to life dries up.

When you live without wanting anything other than what is you’re at peace. You can watch a friendship blossom naturally into a romance if that’s meant to be, without manipulation or control. Then you can truly share love, without wanting anything back. No pressure, no clinging. Your date is free and wants to be with you because you’re safe. You’re not trying to squeeze her into a mold you’ve created.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

190. When you let go of opinions and go with life dating is easy, joyful, and problem-free

As you date, when you really want someone in your life have you noticed that you almost can’t help but manipulate your dating experiences with her? It’s subtle, not overt. But it’s controlling. We try our best to do and say just the right thing. We might even pretend we like something that we don’t like because that’s what we think our date would find appealing. All our efforts to try to make things go our way are stressful because we’re not being authentic.

The funny thing is that we don’t have to work at making life go our way. It’s going to go just the way it goes no matter what we think and strive for. Life is given. We’re born, we’re breathed, our heart beats, hair grows, we grow into just the right size, and eventually we die. We’re even being thought and moved. Look at your legs right now. Did you consciously put them there? Did you choose the thought you have now and can you choose the next one? We’re not in control of any of it.

So why not relax and just be happy with what happens in life, including every aspect of your dating? The Ashtavakra Gita is a revered East Indian spiritual tome written centuries ago. In it, the author says over and over again: Don’t set one thing against another, and craving pleasure – wanting it my way – stops. Be like a small child, he says. There’s nothing to do but be happy as we watch life show up. Jesus also said, “Unless you become like little children….”

But that’s hard to do when we believe our thoughts, when we know life would be better if we had what we want. We want a partner, but do we really know that would be best for us, or that it should happen now or that it should be this person? Your immediate answer might be yes. But if you sit with that question and let the answer come slowly, from your depths, are you still so sure? Maybe the wisdom of life, as it is, knows more than you do. What does God want for us, for all of life? We don’t have to wonder or guess. The answer is “what is”, and it’s right in front of us every moment. Just this, right now, as it is. That’s life. Without an opinion you live in the beauty of presence. What could be simpler and more peaceful?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

189. See reality not fiction and your dating will be free, fun, and painless

Reality is a wonderful thing to know, especially when we’re in those vulnerable areas of life like dating. One dictionary defines reality as “the state of being actual or real”. Another way of saying it is that reality is simply what is. Many people confuse reality with their thoughts and beliefs about reality but they’re quite different. You can read about swimming and believe you could swim. Once you actually swim, though, you no longer believe it. Now it’s actual, it’s what is.

Where dating causes us so much suffering is when we trust in our painful beliefs. Something happens; we unwittingly put our spin on it and hurt ourselves. “My partner danced with another woman” is just what is. “My partner danced with another woman and he shouldn’t have” is a belief.

Any time we’re hurting emotionally we can know we believe something that isn’t true or real. The real is what is and there’s nothing to argue about. For instance, you see a telephone pole and make no judgment about it. No judgment, no pain. Thinking it should be different would be painful. It has nothing to do with the fact. As you date – especially in the confusing, painful times – you may want to notice how often you’re believing your thoughts rather than seeing the facts. With clear seeing you know he should have danced with that woman because he did. It happened. You’re not trying to change reality.

To get out of that bad habit of believing thoughts all we have to do is question them. State your belief, then ask yourself: Is my belief about this true? Can I absolutely know that? How do I feel when I hold on to that belief? If you feel pain and misery you know you’re believing something that doesn’t exist except in your mind. It has nothing to do with reality. Seeing reality as it is never hurts. Beliefs always hurt when they argue with the truth. You can never win. What is, is. Fighting it is like fighting the blue of the sky. Absurd.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

188. Is your mature dating giving your mind and emotions a stressful workout?

For many of us the mind really gets a workout when we’re dating doesn’t it? Normal life, that we sort of take for granted, shrinks into the background and questions and high emotion often surges to the forefront when we get involved in dating. Often the mind seems to be on high alert when we’re with a date, watching every nuance, noticing every facial expression, keyed in to decipher the meaning of every word. At that point it’s a high-octane state of affairs that takes a lot of energy and can be mighty stressful. No wonder so many seniors and mature daters think dating at this age is brutal. The mind cranks away and your stomach churns: “Did he mean this?” “Did I say the right thing?” “What if she says no?” “I wonder if this will become permanent.”

You can back off from that high-alert position and just enjoy dating as a wonderful experience if you watch thoughts come and go without getting attached to them. We can’t believe our thoughts because they’re always changing, and they’re hardly ever based on reality. When we believe them we’re in a world of hurt. Besides that, thoughts are not even ours. We don’t create them, they just show up. One minute we think he’s great, another minute we think he’s not. One day we worry that we won’t find someone, another day we’re convinced we like living alone.

The easy way of living is not to pay any more attention to thoughts than you would to people talking in the back of the bus you ride. You hear voices but pay no attention to the words. We spend a lot of energy wondering and worrying and it’s totally unnecessary. Every moment and every movement of life happens as it does. As Nan, a friend of mine says, “That’s just the way of it.” What we need to know we know at every moment because reality shows up for us in the form of what is. Do you want to know what should happen next? Watch… there it is!

You don’t have to be concerned with doing it right when you date. If you can just be yourself, without airs, with no pretense, without trying to impress or make yourself appear to be what you’re not, dating can be a wonderful adventure. If you’re supposed to end up with this guy or gal you will. If not it will be someone else. Or no one at all. Why? Because that’s the way it is – period.

Making life happen is not in our hands. We can either sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride or struggle and force and try to push life around. But either way it’s going to be the way it is. Taking the ride without a struggle seems so much easier. So settle back and be at ease with dating. That’s when it’s fun… when there’s nothing to do and no goal to accomplish. You don’t look for a prize at the end; the prize is in each moment of each date, just as it is in each moment of each day.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer