249. Mature dating is a fun adventure when we live in harmony with the way of it

Dating in your senior or mature years is really not much different from any other aspect of life. It’s one slice of life. However, the struggle, strife and suffering that most people experience in everyday life is often magnified and brought to the fore when we’re dating because romantic relationships are so dramatic and intensely personal. The pain of a lost love can be like no other pain.

That’s why it’s so helpful to see that we can back off from life and not take it personally when we realize that we’re being lived and we really have no control. Then it’s a matter of just flowing with life as it happens rather than trying to fight or control what happens.

If these are new ideas to you I understand; they can sound crazy. They did to me too, at first. However, nothing I had ever done relieved the emotional hurt I often felt when life didn’t go my way. And when I read about what the sages have been teaching throughout the centuries it seemed to me that they might just have something. Those who saw the light (enlightened?) were from all parts of the world, all cultures, all centuries, and they all had come to see the same thing, with no input from each other because there wasn’t the communication in those days that there is today.

What they all saw, simply put, is that some Life Force – call it God if you like – is energizing itself into form, and we humans, like every other form in existence, are among the objects brought into existence.

We’re being lived. If you don’t think so try to make yourself do nothing, for example. You can’t do it. Try not breathing. You can’t. Try not thinking. You can’t. Try not blinking your eyes or sneezing or hiccupping. It just can’t be done. What moves your hands when you express yourself as you talk? What just made you swallow? Obviously we’re not in control of this “me” we think we are. Even the very idea of “I” or “me” is no more than a thought. No one has ever located a Me anywhere. This so-called Me has no individual power. It can’t exist for a split second without the power that enlivens it and animates it. So how could it be in charge of how life should go?

Seeing that, what the sages taught is to just relax, see life as it really is, and flow with it. Realize that what happens is obviously supposed to happen, for no other reason than that it does. You’re stood up for a date? Obviously you were supposed to spend that time doing something else. How do you know? Because the time is available and you’re going to fill it some way, whether you like it or not. Your honey decides to leave you? It must be that you’re supposed to be alone for awhile, or be available to meet someone else. Again, how can I know that? Simple. Because that’s what is and you can’t argue with it. You can think it should be different. You can wish it would be different. But in the end, it just is the way it is. So why spend all that energy and misery resisting the way it is? That's insanity, and a lot of suffering.

Flowing with life the way it is may sound like caving in and giving up but it’s not. It’s a vital, snappy, full-of-life, active way to live. It’s a not-doing that begins to recognize the intelligence-energy of the universe as it is. You begin to see the fullness of life that’s always been present and is available for us to realize when we stop trying to control life. And though we're not the doers everything gets done.

In this realization you’re not succumbing and folding up with your tail between your legs. And you’re not crawling into bed to bawl your eyes out and be depressed because life let you down. Instead, you’re watching with amazement as life unfolds in the way it does, which might be much different than you had expected. What a mystery! What a delight! Life sparkles amazingly when we just see it as it is, and realize we're being lived right along with everything else. We're actually that living power showing up now as a human. What a miracle as it changes every second! Dating can be exciting, adventuresome and fun when we simply live harmoniously with the way it is. What the heck! Might as well since life is going to be the way it is whether we like it or not. We don’t get a vote, have you noticed? In fact, there is no independent "we" to ever have had a vote in the first place. How can a drop of ocean spray vote against the ocean?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

243. Protecting yourself from potential romantic pain makes you a loser every time

During the years I’ve dated as a senior I’ve met more than several women who felt they had to protect themselves from being romantically hurt. To do that they’d hold back on sharing any real feelings for a guy. They wouldn’t hold hands when they felt like it, they were afraid to cuddle and kiss, and they tried to remain somewhat cool and aloof. They were almost trying to hide their interest in a guy even from themselves.

But does protecting ourselves from something that hasn’t happened and may never happen make sense? Unmet expectations would be the only reason a person would be hurt emotionally anyway. But why look to a future that’s made up purely in our thoughts? Now, in this very moment that’s already passed even before you can say the word “moment”, is the only time that exists.

Pictures of the past are only thoughts happening now. “Future” pictures can only show up now. Yet most of us live most of the time in our past and future thoughts and miss now, which is the only vital, alive moment there is. We’re hardly ever home. We hatch a future in our minds that we’ll be gut-wrenchingly torn apart because a romance doesn’t work the way we want it to. Then we invent a mechanism for dealing with that scene by protecting ourselves ahead of time. And it’s all just made up in our heads. It’s not real.

“Yes, but,” you say, (can’t you just hear it?) “I’ve been hurt before and it’s been excruciating. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I could barely function. I don’t want that to happen again.” That’s understandable. But the reason for that pain in the past was invalid. It doesn’t need to be that way in the future. In our innocence we’ve believed our thoughts that, for example, “if this person leaves my life it’ll be the end of my world.” But is that true?

With a little bit of understanding we can learn to question those thoughts that pop up out of nowhere. Do we really know this is the person for us? Are we absolutely sure? How do we live when we believe that myth we’ve created? Aren’t we miserable? Haven’t we been sure in the past and later realized our beliefs were wrong about many things? When we’re so sure we’ll be hurt or we need this guy or gal in our lives it feels so right because that’s what we think. Feelings always follow thoughts. Wake up in the first seconds of the morning before thoughts pop in and you’re not hurting at all.

What if you realize that this intelligent universe always rules. You can’t ever win by arguing with what already is. If someone leaves your life you’ve probably been spared. Thinking you know it should be your way would be the only cause of your pain. But flowing with the way things are you’re back in peace.

Not only is it unnecessary to protect yourself from future suffering that doesn’t ever need to be there, but when you do protect, you’re holding back the real. Your date or partner never has a chance to know you. You only give them a mask to know. How can that help a romance to flower?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

237. Do you feel bad because your neck tells the truth about your age?

One of the reasons some people are leery about dating in these mature or senior years is the very fact that they are mature; they’re older. It turns out, according to the experts, that age has as much or more to do with attitude as it does with years. That’s probably not news to you. I’ve met a number of people 55 and beyond who seem to “think” old. They joke about senior moments and say they can’t do this or that any more “at my age.”

I read this morning about a popular book by Nora Ephron titled, I Feel Bad About My Neck. She writes humorously, “Our faces are lies and our necks are the truth. You have to cut open a redwood tree to see how old it is, but you wouldn't have to if it had a neck.” She’s right; our necks seem to indicate our age often more than our faces do.

But carrying “old age” ideas into life and mature dating probably isn’t going to make your dating very much fun or successful. Instead of being excited about all the things you could do with a date or partner you may be thinking of all your limitations. You even approach your first meeting with this new guy or gal thinking about your aging body and telling yourself you have to try to be perky. But one expert says, "Don't get bogged down in all the hype about aging. Once you start thinking about it, it can drive you mad. There's nothing you can do; the clock is going to tick away."

It’s also important to get over your stereotypes or mental images about aging. You may have picked up ideas that aging means life loses its happiness. But are those stories you’ve told yourself true? When you start believing stressful thoughts you’ll feel the discomfort and suffering. You know then that it’s time to question those beliefs. If you’re suffering from worry, sadness or desperation those self-created hurts can be undone by simply investigating what’s true.

The article I read this morning reported on a couple – he’s 79 and she’s 80 – who took a week-long backpacking trip alone in the wilderness last year. He had taken up mountain climbing after he retired and has climbed Mount Whitney, Kilimanjaro and hiked to the Mount Everest base camp. Does that fit your stereotype of older folks?

Living happily and peacefully, I’ve realized, is always living in reality, not our stories about reality. Reality is the way things are. Change will happen. That’s life. It’s not bad unless we think it’s bad. Yet why worry about something that may never happen, like being debilitated? When we simply live in the moment we can trust that as changes in our bodies take place we can deal with them sanely and without stress when the time comes. We simply see and enjoy life as it is, however that is. How do you know you’re not supposed to be as vigorous and vibrant as you once were? You’re not. Nothing to fight or resist. You’re left to just do what you do and be happy without a story. Everything you need to deal with any event will be there when you need it.

The clear message is to question your beliefs and see what’s true. Is it true you shouldn’t be slowing down or getting a neck that shows your age if that’s what’s happening? Obviously not. Would you start a war with reality by fighting a battle reality will always win because it’s just what is?

As you put yourself out there in dating you can be sure you’ll be a much more attractive date and potential partner if you’re happily seeing the beauty of life as it really is instead of falling prey to your beliefs about how it should be or terrifying yourself about how it might be in the future.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

204. When we trust our deeper wisdom mature dating becomes a romp in the park

All things change, all the time. In the physical world things change because creation changes. Something decays, something else is born. In the thought world too, things change constantly. Even who we think we are changes, just in the space of a day, or even a minute. One moment we see ourselves as loving, a moment later we’re angry and spiteful. One day we love ourselves, the next day we loathe ourselves.

In our dating and partnerships things also change. At one time we think we know exactly who we want as a partner and moments later we’re not so sure. Yet, when things don’t go the way we want them to go we’re upset. We’re in pain. Why? Because we’ve decided we know what’s best for us. With all that uncertainty within us does it make sense to actually believe that thought?

The mind that believes it knows what’s best is a closed mind – inflexible, fixed, stiff and stuck. It’s not open to the wisdom of the way things are. “Out there,” which includes our thoughts, is always changing. But that simple awareness that is the source all things spring from is always waiting in the background as the open, accepting space that allows all things.

That infinite wisdom never changes. It’s what you could call the heart wisdom, the beloved. When you stop believing all your thoughts the heart wisdom is there, reminding you what you’ve always known – that the way life is is the truth. As you question your thoughts, your assumptions, your interpretations, and your judgments, your beliefs of resistance fall away because you see through them. You see they’re not true.

You begin to see life with an open heart. And until you come to life with an open heart and mind you’ll suffer. Through clear investigation you see reality. Almost magically you’re happy, peaceful and free of pain simply by observing life as it is, trusting that the beloved knows its way. You can start by asking yourself, “Do I really know the way life should be; do I need to resist what is and create suffering for myself?”

After all, it’s only when we think something should be different that we suffer. Rather than thinking, “My partner shouldn’t have left me,” we can notice reality and say, “He should have left me and I know that because he did.” That’s seeing life the way it is rather than fighting it, which is crazy. And it’s only that craziness that makes us hurt. In fact, could it possibly be that “what is” is actually best for us?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer