130. Her unexamined assumption caused her a lot of grief

A description in a book I’ve been reading told how a guy learned there was no Santa Claus when he was a kid. He said he saw his parents putting presents under the tree, and in that instant his belief in Santa was gone forever. His story reminded me how our assumptions and basic false beliefs lead us into so much emotional struggle. And how just seeing reality as it is breaks that mold and frees us from our pain.

When this guy saw there was no Santa his belief in Santa was gone forever – in an instant. He didn’t have to go around reminding himself regularly that there was no Santa after all. He didn’t have to use any will power to stop worrying about Santa being wedged in someone’s chimney and not getting to his house. He simply saw reality as it is and all the thoughts and concepts associated with his false belief dropped on their own because they were based on the false premise that he now saw through. It’s like cutting a tree at the root. You don’t have to cut the limbs from it. All the limbs and leaves fall too.

In life – and it comes up a lot in dating at this age I’ve noticed – we suffer often from false, unexamined assumptions and beliefs. We haven’t learned to question those basic, untrue beliefs, and as we believe them we live by them and therein lies our hurt. Making assumptions and interpretations is one of the major ways we tend to live by faulty beliefs and suffer as a result. Here’s an example. Some years ago Del, a friend of mine, was in a committed relationship with Sally, a woman he’d known several years. Together they were looking at beach property Del was considering buying. As they talked with the sales agent Del introduced Sally as “my friend.” Immediately Sally said, “Well, I hope I’m more than just a friend,” and the sales agent looked kind of awkward as he glanced from Del to Sally and back again, probably wondering what was coming next. The conversation continued.

Later when they were alone Sally confronted Del. “Why did you have to tell him I was your friend? Aren’t I more than that to you? Was it even his business to know anything about our relationship?” Del explained that he was simply introducing her to the sales person to be polite and so the salesman could understand her role there. He pointed out that he could have called her his ‘very best’ friend, or use some other descriptive term but he felt ‘friend’ was all that was needed in this situation where they would be talking to a sales agent for no more than 15 minutes.

After a long and sometimes heated discussion it finally turned out that Sally was actually upset because she thought Del was putting her in her place. “I think the real reason you called me only your friend was to let me know buying property was your decision and I wasn’t included,” she said. Del was taken aback. That hadn’t even occurred to him. For him the introduction was just that, a simple statement of their relationship, following social custom.

Later, after she investigated her angry reaction Sally came back to Del and admitted that she really did want to be his friend. It was only her assumption that he was giving her a message through his introduction to the sales agent that had caused her all the pain she felt. From that assumption she had built her own story about how Del didn’t care for her as much as she’d thought, how he wants to keep her at arm’s length, and on and on and on.

Del saw Sally as a fine person, a woman in her 60s who had raised a good family and was now widowed. She was probably unaware that her fear of losing a relationship was so strong and that it would show itself in such an eruptive and spontaneous way based on a simple comment.

Most of us don’t get riled up instantly because we consciously choose that. In my experience it happens because we’ve got unexamined assumptions about life, and they pop up and seemingly control us. We can’t think straight because all our thoughts are based on a faulty foundation. What we can do, however, is not be so quick to believe our emotions. Instead we can take a look and see what is the underlying thought that brings on that strong emotion. Is that thought accurate? Do we really know that what we think is true? Is it possible we’ve jumped to an erroneous conclusion – in the case of Del and Sally was it true that Del was trying to put her in her place? If she had asked him she’d have known.

When you see there’s not really a Santa Claus you no longer worry if he’s going to get to your house. All worries drop when the belief is gone. When you see your assumptions as just thoughts that could be wrong, all the subsequent thoughts and emotions built on that lie fall away at the same time. It isn’t an act of will power. You don’t go around saying, “I will not get upset again. I will not get upset again.” No, you simply investigate your basic belief and see if it’s true. If you see that it’s not true nothing else is needed, just as you no longer grab a pail and head to a mirage for water after you’ve once examined a mirage and seen its unreality.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

129. It’s too simple but it’s true: Change your thinking and your dating will be happy

That headline is a pretty radical statement isn’t it? It almost sounds stupid doesn’t it? You may think: How could my thinking change my dating experience when the problem is him (or her)? So if you’re in pain it’s obvious to you that it’s what the other person has done that’s causing that pain, right? But there’s a hitch: How come when you’re asleep and not dreaming there’s no suffering? Is it possible that the suffering only comes from thinking?

Throughout history wise folks who are sometimes called enlightened or awakened have been telling us that the only problems in life come when we believe and attach to thoughts that show up. We all know that from direct experience. That’s what happens when we worry. Let’s say someone doesn’t show up when they say they will. We start to worry they’ve been hurt in an accident, or mugged on the street. We can work ourselves into a frenzy and then they walk through the door. What was the cause of all the fury and frenzy if not our own thoughts? They had no reality in fact, yet because we believed them we were in a panic.

The same thing happens when we believe our thoughts about how life should be. Now really, how the heck do we know? In the scheme of things we’re just a tiny bubble put here for a very short blip of time. The universe has been in existence for who knows how long. And yet we start out knowing nothing and grow up to think we know how things should be? That’s crazy isn’t it?

Do we really know our date shouldn’t have left us for someone else? Do we know he should have called when he said he would? Do we know she shouldn’t be flirting with that other guy? Do we know there shouldn’t have been a Hurricane Katrina that leveled all those homes and killed all those people? No, when we look directly into our own experience we have to admit we don’t really know.

Yet we can suffer deeply by thinking dating should go “our” way instead of the way it is. The reality is that life just does what it does, and the sooner we see that all of it just flows (and we’re part of that flowing) the sooner we just relax and enjoy this moment. After all, this moment is all there is.

When you let thoughts go in the same way they came you’ll notice you don’t suffer. When you grab onto them, however, and believe them you automatically live out of those thoughts. Then you can suffer big time. For example, Janie should want to date you again because you know you could give her everything she wants? Well, if she says no to further dating obviously what you think is false. ‘What is’ always rules. You can’t ever successfully argue with reality. You lose every single time.

So… if we’re dating to be happy and we have our idea of what happiness is (finding the right woman or man) we’ll never be happy. Happiness isn’t ever based on someone else. On the other hand, if we just date for the joy of sharing time with someone we’ll be happy whether a particular “someone” is there or not. Maybe we’ll have a permanent relationship with someone and maybe we won’t. But that won’t dictate our happiness. Oh, I can almost hear your complaint now: “But that’s too simple!” I agree, it seems so. But give it a trial run and see for yourself. Drop your opinions and judgments for just a moment and see how that feels. Maybe a little more contented and peaceful?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

128. Dating in ‘bewilderment’ is much simpler than striving for ‘control’

Sell your cleverness and buy bewilderment.
Cleverness is mere opinion,
bewilderment intuition.
~ Rumi

I saw this quote this morning in an online newsletter I get and it reminded me again how reluctant we are to give up control. “Buy bewilderment” the famous spiritual poet of the 13th century says. What’s that mean?

Many of the spiritual teachers I’ve known and read say words like, “Be willing to live in the unknown.” In other words, be willing to just relax into bewilderment, the place where you have no control.

Often, as I’ve dated in my 60s and now into my 70s, what I’ve noticed is that people suffer a lot because they think they can be in control. What Rumi is saying is not that you use an act of will to live in bewilderment but that when you see that your true nature is just BEING you also see that there’s no ‘one’ to have that opinion he speaks of. Without an opinion ‘you’ simply relax into ‘what is’, which is simply watching life unfold -- in bewilderment and an easy contentment

Another way of saying all this is to use the word ‘judgment’. Judging is trying to be in control. When our date or partner doesn’t do what we want, we judge her and say she should do it ‘our’ way. When the government doesn’t operate the way we want, we judge it and say it should be done ‘our’ way. Have you ever noticed that judging and having an opinion makes us suffer in some way? It may be slight, but there’s not an open, relaxing, loving welcoming of life when there’s judgment and opinion.

Dating at this age in life can really bring our judgment to the fore can’t it? It’s easy to think we’re running out of time and we want a partner before we die – and we want him NOW! But when we look into it we can see that our wants of the past often haven’t been met. When they were, it was luck, like winning at a slot machine. We get our way just often enough to think we’re in control.

There’s a lot of stress in trying to be in control and push life (including our dating partner) around all the time. Whenever something doesn’t go our way we think of it as a problem, and then we try to fix it, usually by wanting to change the other person. But what if our dating life or our dating partner is just the way it is, for no reason other than it just is? If we saw life that way we could live simply in the wonder and ease of bewilderment. There’s a great joy and love in that. If you wonder about that just close your eyes for a moment and picture your life if you simply saw everything as it is, without your opinion and judgment. You’d simply be living in the mystery and bewilderment of this moment. Wouldn’t that be wonderful? You can have it – now!

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer