161. Since no one can hurt your feelings where’s the risk in mature dating?

If you’ve been aware of the news in recent weeks you’ve probably seen stories about the degrading comments Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell have been slinging at each other. Each of these famous and supposedly successful people has been throwing verbal insults and degrading remarks at the other and apparently feeling hurt and angered by each other. Trump acts as though Rosie has cut him down so he has to defend himself by doing the same to her. Rosie retaliates. You may have seen these shenanigans and thought to yourself, as I did, “My god, how childish!”

Yet Rosie and Donald are really just playing out on the national stage what most people believe: that what others say about us can make us feel happy or hurt. But that’s a total lie. Actually we’re the only ones who can choose to be happy or hurt by either accepting or ignoring what anyone else says about us. In reality, no one can hurt us emotionally. Even if they wanted to they just don’t have that power because they can’t decide how we’re going to interpret their remarks.

When you really look at that deeply and see the truth of it, that realization can change the way you live. No longer are you then a victim of anyone else’s actions or words. You’re not vulnerable any more.

But if this is true why are people so easily hurt by what someone says? The only answer, apparently, is that we haven’t been taught to look at reality. We’ve been conditioned to the myth that other people can determine our feelings. But can they really? Does anyone have the key to your head so they can get inside and make you think you’ve been hurt? And don’t our feelings – any feelings – only materialize because of our thoughts?

Yet that fear that someone else can hurt us plays a powerful role, especially in dating relationships. And perhaps even more so in senior or mature dating because many at this later stage in life feel desperate about finding romance before it’s too late. We want romance yet we dread being hurt. But think about it: If you’ve really looked and you consequently have no concern that someone else can hurt your feelings you have a freedom you didn’t have before.

You no longer have to wait for a guy or gal to make the first move if you want to meet them or ask for a coffee date or a dance. The word “risk” doesn’t even need to be in your vocabulary any more. What risk is there if you know that no one can hurt you? If you ask someone for coffee or a dance and they say no aren’t you in the same place you’d be if you hadn’t asked? Who knows why they declined, it’s just what happened and without your story of why it’s not a problem.

Living without the fear that anyone can hurt you emotionally can totally change your life. But to recognize that truth, if you still feel I could hurt your feelings, you’re probably going to have to really look deep inside. With open, honest investigation you can see the reality of life not the lie most of us have lived by and suffered from. Then what’s left is a freedom and ease that’s always been there, you just had it covered over with a fairy tale.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

160. Dating differences aren’t a problem when you come from love not judgment

Differences are natural in any relationship, and in many cases people simply agree to disagree and it’s no problem. In a romantic relationship that becomes a little harder though. It’s not so easy to just see that we have a different view of something and then go home. Dating differences often affect us directly – when they involve the kind of recreation we’ll pursue or other ways we spend time together, for instance. We want our partner with us but we want what we want, not what they want. What do you do?

“Compromise” is the word that probably comes most readily to mind. One dictionary defines the word as: “An accommodation in which both sides make concessions.” “Negotiate” is another word, defined as, “Confer with another in order to come to terms or reach an agreement.” I sometimes have a problem with the word “compromise” because it often means giving in just to achieve peace and stop the arguing. In that case the one who gives in often feels resentment. They feel they lost something and they gave away their rights. It creates a separation and division in the relationship, even when the concession is subtle.

In negotiating, however, I like the idea of conferring with your partner because that involves caring and love. When you confer you’re not just automatically assuming that your way is best and should be followed. Instead you’re open to questioning and listening. You confer to really learn what your partner wants and then match that against your own wants. The result may be that you give in to what your date or partner wants but you don’t do it to achieve peace, thus feeling you lost. Instead, you concede and agree to your partner’s wants out of authentic love, not expecting something in return. It’s not barter, it’s an unconditional giving that carries no resentment with it.

One simple way some use to understand each other’s wants is for each person to state, on a scale of 1 to 10, how important the thing they want is. If my desire to have it my way is a 7 and my partner’s desire for her way is a 9 or 10 it may not be hard at all to simply say, “Gosh I see that this is really important to you, let’s do it your way.” Another way to handle things is for each person to simply pursue their own interests and activities sometimes. Jane wants to go to a movie one night and Chet isn’t interested. So she goes and he stays home. No judgment, no problem.

However it’s done, when we get our egos out of the way differences with our date can be handled without judgment and criticism if we recognize that they’re natural and not wrong. It’s also critical to realize that it’s not up to your partner or date to make you feel good. You may badly want Joe to attend the symphony with you, and though he doesn’t care for the symphony he may go because he cares about you. At other times, however, he may feel that it’s just not something he wants to do. Doesn’t he have that right as much as you have the right to want him with you? Can you really say he doesn’t love you because he doesn’t do what you want?

If the differences are extreme you may decide to stop dating a person. But that doesn’t mean he’s bad, just different. Whenever you feel that you’re right and your date is wrong your judgments are going to make you suffer. At that point you’re thinking your date should be something she’s not. That’s what judgment is – thinking something should be “my” way rather than the way it is. How do you know Margaret should be the way she is? The same way you know it should be raining on a rainy day – that’s simply what is. When the judgment is gone the suffering is gone. When your behavior springs from caring and love differences aren’t a problem.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

159. Even mature daters must think anger works, but does it ever really help?

At this more mature stage of life, even though we feel we’ve learned some things about living, dating can often be a daunting experience. Feelings are often pretty intense; there seems to be a lot on the line. The problem can be that unless we examine old behavior patterns in dealing with people they don’t change. The way we behaved when we were emotionally hurt at four or five is the way we behave at 65 except that at 65 we don’t throw ourselves on the floor and scream. Instead, our tantrum is expressed in more adult terms such as with angry, cutting words or withdrawal. But it’s still a tantrum.

Wise spiritual teachers over the centuries, and today, have seen that the trouble is we’ve taken on the idea that the world (and the people in it, of course) should function according to our beliefs. When you apply that to dating it means that we think we know how people should act. When they don’t conform to our imagined standard we’re disappointed and hurt. Relationship issues are often quickly magnified when we’re dating because we’re often conspicuously vulnerable. We’re often wearing our hearts on our sleeves, as the saying goes. So it’s really easy to feel hurt.

Here’s an example. This happened to Glenda, a friend of mine a number of years ago. She was dating a dentist in his late 50s. He came down with the flu and Glenda offered to bring him soup. He declined so she took him at his word and visited him without soup in hand. He was instantly angry at her.

Apparently he felt if she really cared about him she’d have brought soup anyway, despite what he probably figured was a polite decline of her offer. In short, she didn’t meet his expectations. The pattern looks like this: We have our view of how our date should behave and we know we’re right: “If she loved me she’d do this,” we think. All is well when she happens to do what you wanted. But when she doesn’t there’s hurt.

And how does hurt usually show up? Just like the dentist, we very often get angry. Instead of investigating the situation our old childish habit springs forth and we throw our tantrum. How did Glenda feel when her dentist friend got mad at her? She told me she felt confused and pushed away. It didn’t make her feel closer to him. Instead, it made her question whether this was a healthy relationship. As it turns out his angry outbursts over the months continued to make her feel pushed away until eventually she realized it was time to stay away, and the relationship ended about 8 months later.

If you’re a person who gets angry and hurt at your date you don’t have to be a victim of that little-kid reaction within you. The solution is pretty simple - though not always easy at first - and it’s this. Suffering always shows up in the body somewhere. That’s why we call it suffering. The body suffers. It can be in the form of sadness, anger, jealousy, insecurity, sense of unworthiness, etc. That suffering may not be so easy to recognize for some of us because we’ved lived life with so much turmoil and inner hurt that we hardly notice when we’re suffering. But there’s always some sign of the judgmental thoughts – a churning stomach, an instant headache, a tension in the shoulders. There’s always something that doesn’t feel comfortable, peaceful and happy. And we know that. It doesn’t take thought to recognize it, we know.

That suffering, however, always comes because we believe something should be different. We think something shouldn’t be the way it is. (By the way, don’t just believe this. If you’re interested, check it out for yourself in your own life.) Thoughts about how to boil eggs or cook potatoes aren’t painful. They’re what you might call working thoughts, very different from judgmental thoughts. As soon as we make judgmental thoughts, thinking things should be our way, however, we hurt. So the suffering in our body is really a great reminder that our thinking is off track.

If the dentist had checked his own thinking when he got angry at Glenda he might have noticed that what happened didn’t need to be judged at all. He asked Glenda not to bring soup. She honored him by not bringing soup. That’s pretty simple isn’t it? Instead, he instantly tried to make her responsible for his hurt feelings, and in doing that he turned himself into an instant victim. Of what? His own thoughts, nothing more.

For any of us the circumstances will be different but the pattern is the same. Your guy, for instance, might show up late for a date. You might feel immediate hurt and anger: If he loved me he’d be on time. But without that judgment you could just notice that he’s late. Period. You might choose not to date him again because you like people who are on time. But where’s the need for judging him as wrong and feeling those hot, angry feelings you impose on yourself?

Our dentist friend might also have noticed that probably there’s not a single time in his life when his anger really worked, unless perhaps he was able to temporarily manipulate someone with it by beating them into submission. In the long run, though, we know it always backfires. Even when manipulation works for awhile can anyone say it brings two people closer together? And isn’t being close what we really have relationships for? Moral of the story: When we’re suffering we can investigate our beliefs and opinions or we can buy into our judgmental thoughts and hurt ourselves and our relationship.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer