266. Communication usually isn’t the problem in dating relationships, judgment is

The inability to communicate is often cited as the problem between couples in relationships. Just because we’re in the mature stages of our lives doesn’t mean the ability to communicate with one another has improved. It only improves when people are willing to look at life realistically and be honest with themselves. Honesty often means we have to let go of our precious stories. We have to let go of being right and making the other person wrong.

We all know that a lot more than words are communicated when we’re speaking to each other. In romantic relationships that’s especially true because we know each other well enough to know what hurts the other, and sometimes we want to be hurtful.

However, when we’re not judging our partner we don’t need to hurt them in an effort to make them change. We don’t feel they’re responsible for our feelings so we’re not angry and trying to control them. When we’re enjoying a person for who they are as they are we usually communicate clearly. If we say, “Let’s go out to dinner,” that’s what we mean.

If we’re upset with our partner, though, and think they should be different, the words, “Let’s go out to dinner,” could be said with anger or that look of disgust we’re known for, and the meaning is clear: “You’re an idiot and the least you owe me is a nice dinner,” for example.

Communication is hardly ever the problem when two people really want to listen to each other and feel respect and care for each other. It may take us a few tries but we’ll almost certainly be able to eventually communicate what we mean and be understood.

So it’s not communication that’s the problem. It’s judgment that’s the problem. When we’re upset with our partner because we think they should be different we manipulate our communication to try to control them and make them do what we want. Our manipulation is unmistakable. It’s not honest communication and it never builds love.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

265. When you love yourself you can share with a partner, not need him

We hear all the time that we should love ourselves. Loving ourselves, we’re told, is our job and we can’t expect someone else to do it for us because they’re busy trying to love themselves. But what does it really mean to love ourselves? One of the ways we love ourselves is by realizing that we’re the ones deciding how life is (for us!). It isn’t about what life is dishing out but how we judge it – either good or bad for us. In article #264 I wrote about believing someone should want what they don’t want. In that belief and its naturally following expectation we’re hurting ourselves, not loving ourselves. We’re not seeing reality. We’re telling ourselves a lie, without realizing it.

Willingness to question thoughts and beliefs and see the truth takes us immediately to self-love. In this case we see specifically that who a person is and how they live is exclusively their business. When we don’t resist that by thinking they should be different we’re left with a feeling of ease and freedom – peace, or self-love.

We let the other person be who they are (as if we had a choice anyway) and we do whatever is apparent for us regarding them. In dating we may choose to be with the other person as she is or we may move on to someone else. But we don’t need to try to change them or fight them. If we move on it’s without judgment and anger toward them. After all, they’re being themselves, just as we’re doing.

That respect and love for the other person is also love for us: We’re no longer feeding ourselves a story that isn’t true and making ourselves miserable. Instead we’re just observing the way things are. Seeing the way life is rather than judging that it should be different is the primary way we love ourselves. “Seeing”, with no need to modify, alter or change anything, always feels peaceful, content and satisfying. We’re quietly and simply in love with life as it is.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

264. She suffered because she thought her friend should want what he didn’t want

It’s so easy – and we’re so conditioned – to think that if we can just get circumstances to change we’ll be happier. But no matter how upset we get, that’s nearly always hopeless because life is what it is. For example, today I was talking with a woman who had asked for help in sorting out some painful things in her life. I had suggested she try using the method called The Work that was introduced by Byron Katie (www.TheWork.com).

This woman, that I’ll call Kathryn, had written that she felt hurt and angry because a man she had a relationship with only wanted sex from her. She thought he should respect and honor her by wanting more than just sex.

Questioning those thoughts and beliefs helped her get some clarity. When I asked her if it was true he should be different from the way he was she was quite quickly able to see that it wasn’t true. He should be who he is, just as she is who she is. How could he want what he doesn’t want? Kathryn thought she was suffering because this guy wanted only sex from her. But as she unraveled the truth, with the help of some questions, she was able to see that her suffering really was because she thought this man should be different. It wasn't about him after all, it was about her.

When I asked how she felt when she held to the belief that he should want something he doesn’t want her answer was that she felt demeaned, and that gave her a stomach ache. Asked how she felt without that belief her answer was: Peaceful. Any time we suffer emotionally it’s only because we’re resisting what is. It could only be that, because just observing reality without a judgment can’t have any pain in it. It’s when we think it should be our way rather than the way it is that we hurt.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer