269. Loneliness doesn’t have to be our life if we question our thoughts

In one day recently I heard about two people, both seniors, who are single and extremely lonely. One is a woman who told me about an emotionally abusive relationship she’s in but who clearly doesn’t want to leave it because she says she can only imagine loneliness. The other is a story I heard about a man who’s wife died four years ago and he’s been deeply lonely ever since.

It may be hard to see this but any feeling of stress and suffering, including loneliness, comes only from our thinking. This isn’t something I’m suggesting you believe. Instead I’m suggesting, if you’re interested, that you check it out for yourself. Many times during any day we all find ourselves busy thinking of something that completely abolishes our suffering, if only for a moment. In those moments loneliness is gone. In other words, you have to think about being lonely to be lonely.

The woman I talked with seems to be afraid to drop her unfulfilling relationship because, as she said, “I have no prospects” for another relationship. Instead of dealing with the present she’s trying to deal with a future that she’s imagining.

I know nothing about the widower except that he’s lonely. But my experience would say he’s probably thinking thoughts like, “I can’t be happy without her.” “I need her in my life to be happy,” etc. But is that true? If you asked him if he’s had times of joy and happiness in the last four years I’ll bet he’d admit he has. Maybe times with his family, his grandchildren, friends, even sitting alone in a peaceful setting such as beside a gurgling creek, or even watching a ball game on TV when his side is winning. So he’s had happiness without her.

The point is this: All emotional suffering comes from our thoughts. We believe the thought that says, “I need her.” But isn’t he functioning in life just fine? Is it really true that he needs her? Can he even know that her life would have been better if she’d lived? Can he know his life would have been better if she’d lived? No, we can’t really know any of that. Reality is always the teacher because it doesn’t lie. It doesn’t deceive. It isn’t phony. It’s just what is. You can count on it.

Questioning the stories we tell ourselves – if we’re willing to answer honestly – always leads us back to the peace that’s under all the mind’s shenanigans. The mind is a wonderful slave but it’s a terrible master when its thoughts pop up about life and we get involved with those thoughts. We feed those thoughts and give them a comfy place to stay. So when will they leave? We muck around in the sticky mud of suffering and call that life.

Before any thought can arrive, however, there has to be some aware being that the thought can show up in or on. That beingness is who we are, and it’s like a movie screen. It isn’t affected by the thoughts and movies that show up on it. It’s always at peace and without problems. Since that Aware Being must be there for us to even have a thought, and since it exists before thought, it must be who we really are.

Life changes moment by moment. It changes so fast, in fact, that before we can even speak of a moment it’s already gone. Our suffering comes from not wanting some of the changes and holding on to the idea that life should be our way rather than the way it is. Without that thought we move freely in the world, relishing new relationships and enjoying the sparkle of life in the moment, even in such a simple thing as doing the dishes. If we’re lonely we can live in our wretched thinking or we can live in the awareness that watches a thought come and lets it go, like a cloud in the sky.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

268. Your insecurities can have you living in mature dating hell

The desire for security drives a lot of actions in life, and it sure shows up regularly in dating, especially in these mature or senior years. We want things pinned down. We want to know what’s going to happen next. We want things buttoned up and firmly fixed so we’ll know where we stand. We don’t want any painful surprises.

Veronica is a friend of mine who recently began seeing Chet, a man who had been divorced many years ago and has been alone since then. She told me she and Chet had been together three or four times and were getting along great. But apparently Chet was feeling uneasy. He called my friend and said he wanted to discuss some things that were important for him. He said he needed to know: Was she really invested in knowing him? How serious was she? Why didn’t she call him more often? What did she see their relationship looking like? He said he just wanted to know so he wouldn’t waste a lot of time and emotional energy on something that might not be going any place.

Chet’s concerns aren’t abnormal. But are they realistic? Would he really be able to feel secure if he had some answers? The truth is that life has no security, and we all know that when we examine it closely. You can have the most permanent, secure love relationship in the world and your partner gets killed in a traffic smashup. Or dies of cancer. Or finds someone new.

When we want security it’s because we think we have some control over life – our life. We want to prop it up and make sure it looks exactly the way we want it to look. But that’s a myth. There just ain’t no such thing, have you noticed? Life unfolds as it does and it doesn’t care a whit about our opinions and desires. Whatever this intelligent energy is that expresses itself through all the intricate functioning of our bodies and the planets is dictating the whole show.

We can watch it unfold in peace, and be in heaven. Or we can push and shove and try to control things and live in hell.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

267. Does body image keep you from dating freely and enjoying the experience?

If you’re just beginning to date again – or even if you’ve dated awhile now in your mature years - a major concern for you might be what you look like now that you’re older. You’ve got wrinkles and some sagging skin now. You don’t have the youthful look you did when you were dating earlier in life. You may have also gained some weight. People often have the feeling that they just wish they looked younger again, and they do everything possible to appear young.

That’s a stressful way to live, and if your concern with looks is always in the back of your mind when you’re with a date you’re probably not nearly as fluid and authentic as you’d be without those fears and beliefs.

There’s a simple way to dispel that worry; take a look at it and see what’s really true. If the story you’re telling yourself sounds like this: “I wish I looked younger.” Or “No one will be interested in me now that I’m older,” you can question those beliefs. Even the belief I’ve heard often, “Men only want younger women,” can be examined a bit. Is it true that men only want younger women? Is it true you’d be better off if you looked younger? Can you really, totally know that?

Reality is that everyone looks older as they get older. That’s the way the world works. And unless you have a fixed idea of what beauty or good looks is you can also see beauty and attractiveness in older people. Another reality is that it’s true, some men do want younger women. But do you know there are also women who want younger men? So what? Sometimes the sun shines and sometimes it’s cloudy too. That’s just the way of it, as a friend of mine says. Another reality is that every day seniors and mature daters strike up wonderful romantic relationships.

Remember, when we examine life closely we realize we don’t really know what’s best for us and we’re not running this show. If you’re supposed to be with a partner that’ll happen. If not it won’t, and your fears and thoughts about the why of it won’t make any difference, as they never have in the past.

Believing our self-doubting and inhibiting thoughts can make dating in these later years a stressful event. But without those false beliefs senior dating can also be a fascinating, unfolding mystery and a discovery of whole new worlds of love and caring.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer