56. Dating “pain” passes more quickly when we stop loading sensations with labels

When you have thoughts that argue with reality you’ll be in pain and you’ll always lose. Reality is just what is. It’s only when we have an opinion that it should be different that we hurt. Our opinionated thoughts bring up sensations that register in our bodies. We call them emotions. They’re sensations in the body that come from our thinking not from some physical source like a cut finger, a pulled muscle or a disease.

Dating, even as seniors when we might think we’ve gone beyond teenage feelings, can still often be painful. We don’t get what we want and we hurt. We’ve been conditioned to think we know how things should be. And when they aren’t that way we suffer. The first thing we can do about that is to examine our thoughts. Are we seeing reality as it is or are we resisting what is?

When we look we see that life doesn’t go according to our opinions and wishes. It never has. It just goes as it goes and the sooner we see that reality the more we’ll enjoy life. Believing it should be our way is living in a fairy tale world. So… the woman you’re interested in doesn’t want to see you again. That’s like your hopes for a sunny day, and it rains instead. Well, that’s just the way it is. There will be other sunny days. There will be other women to be interested in.

Sometimes, though, our emotional pain gets pretty intense and we have trouble dropping the “should” and “ought” thoughts that are causing that pain. That’s when we can notice what label we’ve put on what we’re feeling. What we actually experience in our bodies at any time are simply sensations. But we slap labels on these sensations and as we do we load them down with all our past memories of what that label means. The sensation becomes a lot more painful than it is without the label.

We tell ourselves we’re feeling afraid, anxious, angry or depressed. That’s the label. But what’s the actual sensation in our body? Is the stomach in knots? Does it feel hot? Is there just an empty sensation? Without labels we’re simply being with what is. When we add a label we add all the emotions we remember from the past when we had a similar sensation. We’re then feeding the sensation with a lot of energy and thoughts that aren’t true.

Animals don’t do that. I often have a lot of squirrels in my back yard. It’s a big yard with lots of bushes and trees so neighborhood cats also like it. Sometimes a cat will spot a squirrel and the chase is on. There’s never a real contest because the squirrels are too fast. But obviously the squirrel is also running for his life.

What’s interesting is what happens when the threat is over. The squirrel will sit for half a minute or so with its tail swishing up and down in short bursts and it’s obvious the animal is releasing pent up energy. The squirrel’s nature is to live, so adrenalin pumps as it’s racing for its life. But when that adrenalin is no longer needed the squirrel shakes it out and a minute or so later he’s going about his business as if nothing happened. If that were the average human we’d be fuming and worrying for days. We’d have labels for our sensations and our minds would now have an inflated picture of what we felt and we’d be reliving the experience and the suffering a hundred times.

Next time you feel what you might normally call anxiety or fear or loneliness try just being present with the energy and sensation in your body without labeling it. When you withdraw energy from the label, which is nothing but a thought, the sensation takes its normal course and disappears. You’re like the squirrel, letting the energy take its course and pass through you. Then you’re back to simple inner happiness, just watching this mysterious life unfold and going about your business.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

55. Between dates are you happy with now or stuck in worried thoughts?

When we’re dating at this later stage in life it’s a different game than it was when we were young. Then, we had our whole lives before us. Life felt like an exciting adventure as we were meeting new people and exploring new relationships. By now, though, we’ve had a lot of life experiences, lots of memories that give us a lot of ideas about how life has been and how we want it to be. Dating as a senior or more mature person is quite different.

With our experience of living we now have a lot to think about. It’s also not uncommon to be more aware that life isn’t going to last forever and we want to get the most from it, and especially we want the right partner to share it with. Every time we meet someone new or go out on a date we’re evaluating, analyzing, interpreting. That’s all in thought, and it seems to have a good purpose: We want to pin down a future we can feel secure in. But as we do all that, we’re really living in the past – a dead past, which is what “past” is. Even thoughts of the future are nothing more than a past projected forward. We’d have no idea what a future could be if we didn’t have a past to refer to.

True living and a sense of inner joy, on the other hand, is just in this moment and it comes through the five senses, not through our thoughts. When most of our awareness is taken up with our thoughts that’s also where most of our energy goes. Energy is what life is made up of. Without energy nothing can live. But energy goes only where it’s directed. It doesn’t care which direction it takes. An electric motor will go forward if you push the switch one way and reversed if you push it the other way.

Since it takes energy for anything to live, the more energy you put into something the more life it has. So as we focus on dating, and thoughts of our past and future, those thoughts become bigger and seemingly more real. You put your energy into erroneous thoughts and beliefs and they just take on more life.

In those times, even though we’re using our senses to navigate through life, our whole life becomes about our thoughts. While we’re dating we can become consumed with thoughts about that process, many of them painful thoughts. We may be thinking it’s hard to meet someone or wondering if the one we met will call again. The thoughts take over, and they’re often not thoughts of ease and peace and happiness. They’re thoughts of worry: Will this guy be the one? She seemed cool last night, is she losing interest? Soon thoughts about your dating can take up most of the energy of your life and leave you feeling drained and unhappy.

Instead of putting so much focus and awareness into thoughts there’s an alternative: Switch the energy. Let your focus be on your senses, what you’re seeing, hearing, smelling, touching and tasting in each moment. Without thought there’s nothing at all wrong with right now. That’s where your real life is being lived. And that’s where the natural joy of life as it is can be experienced. When you find yourself in emotional pain it’s always about what you’re thinking. Take the energy off thinking and just be present. In presence there’s freedom and contentment.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

54. Three commitments to yourself that can make a dating relationship work

Usually when people talk about making a commitment in a relationship they mean they’re committing to be loyal and faithful to their partner. It sounds good but the divorce courts prove it’s not real. It only lasts as long as the partner does what we expect them to do, in most cases. As long as they toe the line and do what we want we’re committed to them. It’s love with strings attached.

A woman by the name of Meta Zetty (yes, her real given name) has had some profound experiences in seeing and understanding life. She sees commitment in a relationship in a different way. Instead of committing to your partner she recommends making a commitment to yourself – actually three commitments. “The beauty of this approach to relationships,” she says, “is that maintaining these commitments does not depend on anything that anyone else says or does.”

Her suggestion for three commitments you make to yourself in a relationship are:

1. Be yourself. This means you’re 100% authentic in the relationship rather than trying to live up to what your date or partner might want, or what you think they might want. You don’t pretend to be something you’re not, you don’t pretend to like something you don’t, you just honestly be who you are. Your regular date may decide she wants to be with someone who lives differently and you may lose that dating partner. But you feel appreciation and love for yourself because you’ve been honest with yourself and with her.

2. Tell the truth, which means the real truth about what you’re feeling and experiencing in the moment. That’s not as easy as it sounds when your partner asks you to go out tonight and you say you really just want to be home alone and read. It means saying what you feel, not sharing theories or beliefs. And you’re sharing what you feel. Statements you make sound like, “I feel…” not “You should…” or “You always…”. Saying the truth doesn’t mean confessing past secrets either, or telling what you expect in the future. It’s always just in the present moment.

3. Accept responsibility for your feelings. This acknowledges that no one else is responsible for how we feel about our present experience. If we’re feeling hurt or pain of any kind – sadness, disappointment, jealousy, anger – it’s because we’re arguing with what’s real. And that’s no one else’s fault. Remember, what’s real is what is actually happening, not what we think should happen or what we want to happen. “What is” always rules.

These aren’t easy commitments to live by but the beauty of them is that they’ll work every time, no matter what the other person says or does. You live naturally, easily and happily because you’re simply allowing the truth of who you are to shine unimpeded.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer