78. Mature dating is an enchanting escapade when you see it without judgment

Nature is a great teacher. By nature I mean to include animals also. And we, as humans – human nature. We can learn a lot about living a happy, peaceful life by just watching the carefree, spontaneous unfolding of nature. You can bring that natural view of life into your dating world and more likely find dating to be an interesting adventure instead of what may have been a scary, painful experience for you.

Consider the ease of nature. For one thing, nature never fights itself. There’s an incoming and an outgoing tide, for example, never in argument or conflict with itself. Day and night follow each other, changing in length with the seasons, with never a clash. As the human aspect of nature, we never argue with the rising of the sun every day, with how gravity works, or when it rains or the wind blows. Unless we’re insane, that is.

Animals are a different facet of nature because they have senses, as do humans. They don’t have intellect, however, so they don’t have the capacity to think in the way humans do. They simply go along with life. If there’s danger their natural reaction is to run or fight but when the danger is over they’re back to living life again. They live in the moment and don’t regret the past or worry about the future. They never judge anything as good or bad, right or wrong. For animals, life just is. That’s obvious as we watch even our pets at home. There’s no emotional suffering for them.

We, as the human part of nature, have been gifted with intelligence, and it’s a great gift. The mind is an incredible servant and tool. The problem is, most of the time we’ve allowed the mind to become master instead of servant. It chatters away judgmentally and critically, dividing nearly everything into yes and no, or "I like" and "I don’t like".

A Chinese spiritual saying goes like this: When we understand, we are at the center of the circle. And there we sit while yes and no chase each other around the circumference. What the author, Chuang Tzu, means is that when we understand, or see the reality of life, we see that without our judgmental yes/no opinions life is smooth. Life, just as it is. That's all that can be said about it. It just is.

A modern-day East Indian spiritual teacher, Ramesh Balsekar, is the former president of one of the largest banks in India. He says all our problems would be gone if we simply lived life with acceptance and surrender. Or to put it in Christian terms, he says, “Not my will, O Lord, but thine.” Instead we nearly always have opinions. Most of us could feel quite happy and righteous writing a book titled: HOW LIFE SHOULD BE – ACCORDING TO ME! But what makes us think we know how life should be – even in personal matters and dealings with other people, including the folks we date, our relatives and our friends? Do we absolutely know they should be different from who they are? Do we know the relationship we counted on shouldn’t end when we want it to continue?

As one spiritual teacher from England said in a talk I heard, “Who are we to be so arrogant as to think we can tell That which created us how our lives should run?” You can call “That which created us” God or the Absolute or the Source or whatever words you want. We all know it as the Power that animates our lives – the Intelligent Energy that gives us life and keeps the stars in place.

When you have dating turmoil, confusion or pain you can look to see where your mind is dividing something into should and shouldn’t and where you’ve made a judgment. If you’re in emotional pain it’s a sure sign you’re resisting something. You think something that is shouldn’t be. You’re interpreting life your way, not accepting it as it is.

It’s tough I know. Maybe you were lied to, maybe you were deceived, maybe the object of your love just isn’t in love with you. But investigate your thoughts. Does the world sometimes function in the way it’s happening to you? Is that what sometimes happens to people? Is that reality? If you say yes, then maybe you can also see that perhaps you don’t have the big picture. Maybe you could just allow everything to be the way it is. You might be surprised at the stillness and serenity you instantly feel.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

77. Dating is smooth, with few problems, when you drop the ego-me idea

If you’ve read a few of the articles on this blog you know that I’m sharing ways to view life (senior dating in this case) that make it a pleasant adventure. I’m trying to point you to a way of seeing life that doesn’t include a lot of suffering. It’s what the saints and sages from all cultures and through the centuries have taught. It’s sometimes called enlightenment or awakening.

Essentially what it means is that all our emotional pain comes from our “ego-me” idea of how things should be. Without our preferences and opinions, though, we would simply witness life as it is. There would be no ego-me involved and we’d simply be seeing life without interpretation and judgment. The result is no suffering.

Since the age of two or so we’ve had the idea that there’s a me choosing life. But some careful examination shows there really is no me you can locate. Me is just an idea we’ve been taught. Since there’s really no me, then, there’s also no one who can actually choose. If you were the chooser you wouldn’t suffer from unhappy thoughts for long periods would you? Or you’d just switch off thinking for awhile when it got painful. It can’t be done. You don’t know your next thought until it shows up because you don’t create thoughts. They just arise. Since choices come from thoughts about the alternatives, and the thoughts aren’t ours, how could we possibly be choosing? Yet choices happen, by the same power that beats your heart, grows your hair and makes the wind blow. In short, we’re being lived.

The funny thing is, we’ve always been lived even while we thought we were doing it all. So nothing changes when you see this clearly, except that you feel a huge relief. You’re no longer feeling the burden of trying to run the show, improve yourself, feel guilt for past mistakes, etc. We’ve been like the little kid in the kiddy car at the amusement park. We think we’re steering this car called “my life”. Don’t just believe or disbelieve what I’ve said, by the way. Take a look and see for yourself.

Now, in practical terms for dating how can this be helpful? Here’s how. Thoughts and feelings show up on their own. We don’t ask for a sudden rush of jealousy or anger or disappointment feelings. Those feelings appear, usually because something in the moment triggers memories of hurt from the past. The pain is the signal that you’re not seeing life as it is. Instead, there’s resistance to something and a firm idea that it should be different. The ego-me gets involved, and with that opinion and judgment, there’s pain because you’ve started an internal fight. The fight is “my way” against “what is”.

Let’s say a sudden rush of hot anger arises in you from something your lover just said or did. If you were simply witnessing life you’d hear or see what happened like a baby would see it, without involvement. The hot rush would pass on quickly because it doesn’t have a place to land or an ego-me to get hooked into it. Instead, what happens for most of us is that we’re wrapped up in the anger immediately. Thoughts pour out, like “Why would he say that?” or “I’d never do what he just did.” Then all the analyzing and comparing and negotiating with yourself goes on and meantime you’re keeping that hot anger and suffering alive.

When the words are just seen as words, however, the feeling of anger fades because there’s no energy invested in them. And thoughts and feelings can’t live without energy. Actually, that’s all the hot rush was in the first place, a swirl of energy showing up in the body. With involvement it hangs around, sometimes for weeks. Without involvement it simply appears and disappears, like a wisp of steam. See that the universe, including what you resist, simply moves along as it always has. That includes all that happens in your dating relationship. When you see that “what is” might just be God’s way you could let go of your opinion and just be. That’s nature’s way, and life smooths out.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

76. What they say about you only hurts when you add your opinion

I heard recently about a light-skinned black woman from South Africa who’s angry with a man who didn’t want to date her because her skin is too dark. She says she’ll never forgive him for thinking she’s too dark. A couple of years ago a woman friend told me how hurt she was by what her dating companion told her. He was some years younger than she and he eventually told her she was too old for him. The woman was crushed and thought it was cruel that he would say that.

In both cases these women were suffering not because of what someone said but entirely as a result of their own thoughts and opinions. We can see this by investigating the facts. Someone may say you’re too dark-skinned or too old. Or they may say they don’t like blondes, or men who are bald. It doesn’t really matter what they say; they have a right to their opinion. It’s only when we think they shouldn’t say a thing that we suffer. Who says they shouldn’t think and say what they want? Do we want the right to our own opinions? Of course. Then don’t others also have that right?

“Yes,” you may argue, “but they don't have the right to say something hurtful that affects me.” But who added the word “hurtful” to what they said? Can they say something that hurts you? Only you decide that. When you drop your opinion that “this hurts” what’s left is just the words, “You’re too old” or “Your skin is too dark.” Can the sounds of a few words actually hurt you? It’s always our self-referencing ego-me that grabs onto words and then decides to feel hurt by them. See the words, instead, as just sounds or marks on paper. That’s what they are without your judgment and opinion. That’s a lot happier way to live than trying to control what someone thinks and says, which is like trying to control the wind. Impossible. And totally unnecessary.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer