258. Believe thoughts about dating and they’ll bite you every time

The mind is a wonderful slave but a wretched master. Unfortunately, a huge part of our waking hours we let thoughts master us. We believe them, and then get jerked around by them like an animal on a chain, forgetting that we started the whole process: “He didn’t pay any attention to me when I spoke to him. He must be mad. It’s probably because I said I didn’t want to go camping with him. Maybe if I make his favorite pie he’ll get over it.” And our story builds and snowballs. But do we know it’s true? We’ve believed our thoughts without questioning them.

Let’s say this woman catches her insanity and says to her guy, “You didn’t answer when I spoke to you, is something wrong?” And he says, “You spoke to me? Gosh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you said anything. I was so engrossed in fixing this thing that I didn’t even hear you.” Or maybe he does say he’s mad because you won’t go camping with him. Is that your problem to fix? You know he’s supposed to be mad because he is. You don’t need to change him or fix him. You may decide you don’t want to live in that tension, though, so you go shopping. Or eventually you may decide to find a different guy. But you don’t fall into mind traps that say this shouldn’t be this way.

We build stories in our minds because we’re interested in our thoughts. We think they’re real and they mean something. But they’re not and they don’t! All worries, doubts, problems and questions about dating only exist and make us suffer when we’re thinking about them. What do most of us do to relieve the suffering? Usually one of several things: 1) We try to change someone so they’ll be or do what we want. 2) We try to find some experiences to get our minds off the suffering. 3) We try to keep the mind silent, which is like saying, “Don’t think of pink elephants.”

The real answer to the end of emotional suffering is always to question and see what story you’ve got going that argues with reality. Never once will your stories win when they fight reality because reality is just what is. How can you argue with what already is? We just think it should be different, but does that have any effect on what is? Not for a second!

The world works as it works. Dates cheat. Partners lie. Women have affairs. Men say mean things. Is your situation any different? It’s just what is. The way the Masters have found to be always at peace and happy with life is to see that we’re part of its creation and not to form self-centered opinions and judgments about it. It seems too simple, but if we just settle back and relax, life is problem-free. In the end we might even let ourselves see that the me-personality doesn’t even exist. There is no independent person. That too is just a thought.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer