287. When you’re in pain over dating you’re believing thoughts that aren’t true

In dating, when we’re hurting it’s because we think the other person did something bad to us and we have no control. Naturally we feel victimized and helpless. For example we believe thoughts like, “He doesn’t care because he doesn’t really listen to me.” “She should return my phone calls.” “He should do something special to show his love for me.” With those thoughts we hurt.

Over the centuries, however, those wise ones who live peaceful, happy lives remind us that thoughts aren’t believable. We don’t ask for them. They just appear. But we believe them as though we had created them and own them. Worry is a good example that we’ve all experienced intimately. Worry is nothing but a consistent thought about an imagined future we think would hurt us. In your own experience how many times have your worries actually materialized? Probably almost never. Yet we worry over and over. Even after we’ve been tricked again and again by our thoughts why is it that we continue to believe them?

Our thoughts about dating trick us in the same way. Whenever you’re hurting about your dating relationships it always works to look at what you’re thinking, because emotional suffering follows thoughts. What do you believe about the situation or your date/partner? Are you sure you’re believing what’s real or is it possible you’re believing a story you’ve made up?

Let’s say you think your date should return your phone calls. That’s a story. Should she when she doesn’t? You hurt because you think she should be giving you what she’s not giving you. Do you know for sure she should be doing what you want? Is your happiness her job? Reality is that she should not be returning your phone calls because she isn’t. That’s the fact without your story.

To believe you know what your partner or date should do is pretty crazy. Actually you know what they should do by watching what they do – period. Reality doesn’t hurt, only our beliefs and stories about it hurt. People are who they are and they do what they do. If you don’t see that just watch. In the end isn’t it we who create our own pain by deciding our partner should be different?

When we believe thoughts like these we’ve built a prison for ourselves and locked ourselves in it. We’re victims, thinking other people are controlling how we feel. But are your thoughts actually telling you what’s real? Are they worth believing? Or have you latched onto a fantasy that just looks real, like worry looks real?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer