101. Why worry when there’s no future and no “you” to change it?

Have you ever noticed that worry is a totally self-centered stream of thinking? Even when we say we’re worried about a loved one, we may think our worry is for them. Really it’s for ourselves. Behind the concern we have for our loved one is the concern about “what will this do to me?”

It happens in dating as well. Especially in these more mature years when we’d like to share partnership and love with someone as we get older, I’ve noticed there’s often a sense of worry among men and women. There’s the worry about what’ll happen to you if you don’t find a partner. And when you do find someone you worry that she may not want to be with you. If it doesn’t work out will I be able to find another guy or gal?

What I’ve learned, though, is that worry is always only an illusion. First there’s the illusion of a future we know nothing about and that isn’t real. And then there’s the illusion that there’s a “little me” who could do something about it.

Living always happens only now. Thoughts of the past or future only happen now. Even five billion light years from now is only a thought about a future that will never be. When it happens it’s now, because there’s no such thing as future except as thought. The only real and vital thing we could call life happens only now, never any other moment. Before it happens and after it happens are just dead memories.

So when we worry about the future we’re living in a dream. Somehow we think that if we worry about it we’ll be able to do something to control it. The reality is that when tomorrow becomes now we’ll have the resources and know-how to do what needs doing at the time. The same Presence or Power that makes every moment possible also lives us as we’re meant to be lived in that moment.

And that “little me” that thinks it has some control? Is there really a “me” who needs to worry? Or have you noticed that life shows up just the way it does, in its own style and time, for every one of us uniquely. We don’t have a say in it. Even our thoughts we don’t control. If we did would we ever have unhappy thoughts? When our worry thoughts get too heavy wouldn’t we just flip the “off” switch and rest for awhile? But we don’t know where the “off” switch is. And further looking shows there’s no “we” at all. Life or Livingness is living as everything, including people, planets, rain showers, little bugs and flowers that bloom in the spring.

So why worry? When worry thoughts come, notice they’re not yours. You didn’t ask for them. And if you don’t indulge them or fight them they’ll simply drift away. Unless you give them energy they can’t exist. Instead, you can just be in life and watch it roll out in front of you, moment by moment. It might feel helpless at first. We’re trained to “do something”. But if you just see life as it is, without a need to fix or change it, you’ll notice a quiet peace you might not have experienced very often. You could call it living fully -- without worry.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

100. Dating pain relief isn’t about doing and fixing, it’s about seeing – just seeing

I get a regular e-newsletter from a prominent psychologist and author. I admire much of her work that’s available for people who want to improve themselves. At one point in my life, before I came to the understanding that we're all "being lived", I found her work extremely worthwhile. In today’s newsletter she talked about changing our damaged and wounded selves so we can negotiate life more easily.

When we’re in pain (and dating, even in our mature years, can sometimes lead to immense pain) we naturally think we have to do something to get out of the pain. That’s what we’ve been taught all our lives – that if we do something our lives will change.

Unfortunately, that method presupposes that there’s a “me” with an independent nature and power, who can do something. It’s that same idea of a “me” that thinks something needs to change. And that same “me” who indulges in the hurt in the first place.

Getting past our dating hurts isn’t about doing something. There may be a temporary fix in that method but what the sages and saints have asked of us throughout history is to stop and take a look inside. They’re telling us that when we simply be with a situation and just watch it, without engaging in it, the emotions simply die away on their own. When we’re busy trying to do something we’re fully engaged with thoughts and the feelings they arouse. We’re resisting “what is”, and that’s always the cause of our pain.

Life – including our dating life – happens as it happens. It doesn’t go the way “we” want, it goes the way it goes. Have you noticed? We can argue and fight and resist and dig in our heels as much as we want and Life still does what it does. Period. That’s the end of the story. If we look we see this. What’s more, we as so-called persons are simply a part of Life functioning as it does. It functions as thunderbolts, gorgeous sunsets, cute puppies and apparent people. The key word there is “It functions AS….” Life, It, God, Spirit, The One – whatever words you want to apply, is everything. “What is” is another term for God.

When we stop overlooking the natural Presence and Awareness that we are we see that we’re not independent entities who can do anything. We’re simply an appearance in that One Presence that allows everything to be. The sages often called it space-like awareness because it’s like space, the one indescribable nothingness that allows everything to show up. Without it nothing could be.

This all sounds pretty ethereal and mystical. How does it apply to the painful emotions that can arise in a dating relationship? It applies this way, and it’s this simple. So simple the mind fights it. And for good reason: It’s the death of the mind. When we look deep inside and discover that we can’t find anything that can be called “me” except for a thought, we’re relieved of a huge burden.

No longer do “I” (the apparent person) have to make my life work. No longer do “I” have to fix or change or correct anything in life. Instead, in that understanding that we’re being lived, we can simply relax and watch life unfold the way it does. If something feels painful in a relationship we can notice that it’s we who put meaning to something and then felt hurt as a result. Without our interpretation and judgment a thing is just what it is. Do we really know John shouldn’t have dropped us? Am I sure Mary shouldn’t be angry at me? No, of course not. What’s the reality? “What’s happening” is the reality. No need to fight it or try to control it because we’ll always lose – the apparent “we”, that is.

The natural state of a baby is uncritical, undemanding, nonjudgmental. When a baby’s physical needs are met she lives in a natural state of joy and wonder. Except for being involved with thoughts, that’s our natural state too. Christ said it: “Unless you become like a child you’ll never enter into the kingdom of heaven.” That kingdom wasn’t meant to be some future life. He had to be speaking of the natural peace and ease of life that is the essence of who we all are. Stop and see. When you watch thoughts for just a moment, instead of grappling with them and engaging with them, you’ll see there’s just a quiet happiness. You might like it.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer

99. Your relationship isn’t working. Is that true?

Some years ago I had a friend, Julie, then in her mid-50’s who had been married twice and had recently gone through the painful ending of a two-year relationship. When it ended she said, “I don’t know, maybe I just won’t date again; I know some women my age who have just given up and feel it’s best to stay alone. But I also really want a relationship.” She went on to say, “I do my career well but I don’t do relationships well. I can’t seem to make them work.”

At the time I didn’t know this but now I understand that the label we put on relationships is false. We say this relationship didn’t work. How true is that? Didn’t it work the way it worked? When we have an idea of how it should be, and it doesn’t match that we say it didn’t work. But, according to who? Can we know for sure that any relationship is supposed to be forever?

People often say the same about their marriages: “My marriage failed.” Did it? Or was it supposed to have been exactly as it was; you were supposed to have been together precisely as long as you were, not a minute shorter or longer. How do we know this? Because when we see the reality of life from our own direct experience we can see that this is the way it is. There’s no lesson to be learned, no mystical happening at all. It’s just the simple livingness of life. It has calm and storms, ups and downs, tides going in and out, seasons changing one after another. Nature doesn’t argue with itself or think it should be a different way.

So if you’re in a painful dating relationship what do you do? Actually, nothing. You don’t do anything but you can see life for what it is. No matter what your partner is saying or doing you can be at peace if you simply watch life as it unfolds rather than making stories about how it should be. No relationship has to work in the way we usually mean that term. If your partner causes you to hurt it’s a chance to see what you’re resisting because emotional pain is always about resisting “what is”.

Should your partner be doing what he’s doing? Yes – because he’s doing it. Should it be raining when it’s raining? Yes because it is. Maybe if you drop your judgments about your partner you could see that he’s an innocent little boy, just doing his best. And so are you, no matter what age you are. Life is living through us as us. When we stop trying to be in control and stop believing our thoughts we’re left with just stillness and calm. Action still happens, the work gets done. But we’re then in the natural state of just seeing that we are part of the functioning of life. Nothing to do but float along on the stream, doing the next most obvious thing in front of you while knowing at the same time that you’re really not the doer at all. It’s effortless and peaceful that way.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer