181. Forget what “they” think; be yourself and be happy

Dating, especially in our mature and senior years, seems to create a lot of pressure for many people. After all, we’re not as young and attractive as we once thought we were. The years are catching up with us and we don’t want to be alone. So, for many, there’s an urgency about dating that may not have been there in earlier years.

All this can make us feel pretty vulnerable if we’re not careful. In that state of vulnerability it’s pretty easy to assume that other people’s assessments of us are accurate. If those assessments aren’t what we’d like we can begin to get pretty down on ourselves.

For instance, we may have met someone for coffee, or had a couple of dates with a person. Then they don’t want to spend more time with us. Or we’re treated rudely. I met a woman once who was supposed to meet a man for a first coffee date. He never showed up. She later called him to ask if he’d forgotten and he told her he was there but didn’t make himself visible until he had sized her up. He didn’t like her physical appearance so he decided to leave. At least he told her the truth.

Almost everyone has had dating encounters that didn’t leave them feeling very good about themselves. But should we decide how to feel about ourselves based on other people’s views? Let’s say your name is Elizabeth. Can you think of any two people you know who feel they know the same Elizabeth? No, they each have a different view of who Elizabeth is. There are as many Elizabeths as there are people who know her. Who’s right? Who knows the real Elizabeth?

It doesn’t matter. The fact is that any description anyone gives of Elizabeth is simply their own idea. But – and here’s the rub – if you buy into some negative view of yourself that you’ve picked up from someone aren’t you just singling out one view of you from one person and taking that to be the truth?

Actually, in almost each moment of the day we’re a different person. One moment we’re satisfied, another moment we’re hurt, or jealous, or sad. So even we can’t say who we are because who we are is changing all the time. If we’re hurting because of the way we think someone else views us maybe we could see that anyone’s opinion is just one opinion. It doesn’t mean anything. Maybe we could just “be” and let ourselves live spontaneously and freely, knowing some will be attracted to us and some won’t. So be it. Live. Have fun. Be happy. Don’t get sucked up into your thoughts. They’ll pass soon if you let them.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer