183. She wants to date others but that’s not why he’s in so much pain

Mature dating can be an adventurous, interesting, pleasant experience or it can be disappointing, disheartening and disenchanting. Those two different experiences aren’t the result of what’s happening in a person’s dating life as much as they’re the result of a person’s opinions.

Our five senses are the tools we have to tell us about the world we live in. Our senses feed back to us what’s happening in the movement of the world. We call these happenings experiences. But when we use the word “experience” we’re not really talking about only the movements our senses record. No, we’ve added our interpretation or judgment to the raw sense data. With our thoughts we’ve apparently altered reality. Then we believe that mind-altered experience and often create pain for ourselves.

Let’s take a simple example. Kate and Arnie decide to go out for a walk. They step out the door and realize it’s raining softly. Kate is from the hot, desert south and bathes in the freshness of a cooling rain. It’s a wonderful experience for her. Arnie is from – where else could I say but Seattle? He’s had enough rain. For him a walk in the rain is not much fun. Without their opinions, however, the simple fact was they both walked in the rain. It wasn’t “wonderful” or “not wonderful” except in the opinion of each person. In the dating world, when we’re in emotional pain or agony, or any discomfort at all, it can only be because we’ve added our judgmental twist to what originally was simply a happening recorded by our senses.

For example, let’s say the woman you’ve been dating decides to move on. You’ve really fallen for her and you don’t want to lose her. You think she’s the perfect match for you. Of course you’re in agony. But it isn’t her words, “I want to date others,” that make you hurt. It’s your judgment that it shouldn’t be this way that causes you pain. In effect you’ve decided to play God and resist reality because you think you know better.

But do you? Do you really know life should be your way rather than the way it is? Realistically, just have a look. Can you remember times when you were so certain things should be your way and you later realized that what you resisted so fervently turned out to be your great blessing?

Seeing life as it is brings total relief from suffering! You could call it acceptance or surrender. I call it seeing life realistically. When you see life without wanting to modify it or change it your experiences soften. Resistance causes stress and suffering. Seeing reality as it is frees us from pain. We go along with life, as a leaf floating in a stream. Can you imagine how easy and problem-free life would be if we didn’t have ideas of how it should be?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer