223. Relationships can’t have a problem, only you can

Mature dating can be a great teacher. It often forces us to look at things we might have overlooked because it brings up painful feelings we can’t ignore. Years ago I was in a relationship that wasn’t working, yet my partner wasn’t willing to get any help to improve it. At the time I had no idea I could get help without her. So I lived in what I thought was a painful relationship.

I’ve since seen that no relationship ever has a problem because “relationship” isn’t a thing. It’s a word describing how two people get along. So any problem can only be within one or both of the people. If you’ve got a problem relationship and you’re hurting, you’re the one who has a problem. The proof is that you’re hurting. Your partner may be hurting too but you can’t do anything about that.

We’ve grown up learning to judge and blame, and that’s especially our tendency in relationships. When we do that, however, we’re victims of our own thinking. We’re saying, “If my partner would change I could be happy.” That’s not only hopeless but even if there is a change, something else will always come along and you’ll see yourself as a victim again. Without blaming and judging you get another picture, however. When you don’t put the onus on someone else you simply see life as it is: Your partner is doing what they’re doing and you’re deciding it should be different and making yourself hurt.

Now there’s some clarity. Since everyone has a right to be who they are, just as we do, do we really need them to change? No. We can either choose to stay and accept them as they are or leave. Neither choice has anything to do with our partner. We can ask them to change a behavior and whether they do it or not is their choice. In simple terms, our problem is always our stuff! Only we are ever responsible for our feelings. What our partners do is none of our business.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer