49. Your dating life is simpler when you don't need security

Have you ever been dating a guy and you wanted him to make a commitment to you? Or you’ve felt those pangs of jealousy when you see your date having fun talking with another guy at a party? These and dozens of other conditions we find ourselves in feel like a real threat to our security don’t they?

If you’ve experienced these feelings you’re not alone. Most people spend a good deal of time trying to nail down security in life, either in a partnership or a job or even just being admired and appreciated by their circle of friends. That’s why we’re constantly trying to please people. We want their approval so we can feel secure.

How much of your life energy do you spend either seeking security or mourning the fact that life changed? If you look you may see that it’s quite a bit. Yet life is not about security. The true nature of life is change. Everything changes, you’ve no doubt noticed. Constant change is built into life just as gravity is. That’s the way it is. So seeking security is seeking something that doesn’t exist.

When you look at it that way it seems pretty silly doesn’t it? Do we really want to struggle for something that isn’t? It’s impossible to find security because there is no such thing. When that sinks in it can feel pretty hopeless. But the need for security only comes from the idea that “I’m a separate entity and I have to make life work.”

Is that true? Are you self-generated? Or does some unknown power give you life? I was with my 93-year-old dad this summer when he peacefully died. One moment there was breathing and the next moment it stopped. Yet the body hadn’t changed. Lungs were there, eyes were there, ears were there. But none of them functioned any more. The life force was gone. Dad had no control over the life force.

We also have no control over the life force that animates this body we call ours. We think we’re living life but the life force is actually living AS us. That means there is no “me” that needs security. There was never security in any moment of our lives anyway; life just moved as it did. Seeing that leaves you free to just enjoy life as it happens. Date, meet people, enjoy the process as you float in life like a leaf in the wind. That takes no effort, and without effort what’s left in life is just simple joy and the freedom to be. The struggle and pain is gone.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

48. There’s an answer if you’re tired of the ups and down of dating

I’ve had lots of older people who are now back in the dating world tell me they’re surprised at all the emotions they feel. The emotional ups and down are like being in high school or college again, one woman told me recently. The ups can be fun for awhile, but there’s always the down, and that hurts. My own experience, however, is that whenever we’re suffering as we date it’s guaranteed to be because of what we're thinking. There’s no other reason – ever. Look for yourself and you’ll see.

I'm defining suffering as emotions such as worry, anxiety, doubt, fear, questioning, seeking, jealousy, sadness, disappointment, etc. Not all thoughts are about suffering but all suffering is about thoughts. When thoughts are about how to fry spuds or dig a hole there’s no suffering.

If you look you'll notice that thoughts just are. They show up by themselves. It's only when we refer them to a so-called self-center that there's often pain because the world isn’t the way this me-center thinks it should be. Life isn’t meeting our demands. That resistance to what is, based on a self-centered “me”, is always painful. What you think should be is the story that causes your pain.

What is, is pure fact. For example. “John didn’t call tonight when he said he would.” That’s a fact. “John obviously doesn’t care about me or he would have called,” is a story. We’ve embellished the facts, added our interpretation or judgment and in the creation of our story we cause ourselves to suffer.

But suffering doesn’t have to continue. There’s an easy way to bring it to an end and it can happen in an instant. One way is just to let go of the thought you’re believing. Don’t be attached to it. Give it no energy and it just withers away and dies. No doubt it’ll come back again and again for awhile because that’s your habit and pattern. If you consistently ignore it though it eventually just goes away.

However, if you can’t just see that the thought appeared out of nowhere and will go back to that same nowhere, there’s a second step you can take. That second step is to question it: Is my thought really true? About John the question would be, “Do I really know John doesn’t care because he didn’t call?” When you see that you don’t really know, and you’re willing to just live in that not-knowing, your suffering is over. How does it work like that? It works because once you give up the idea of a “me” who knows what should be, you fall back into the pure awareness that happens naturally because you exist. Then there’s no “me” that wants anything, thus, no pain. The self-centered ego-me idea, though, always has an agenda, and the agenda is “my way” is the right way.

If you're in pain sometimes as you date, or for any other part of your life, you might try something new. See life as it is, without a story and witness life without an opinion. “I” or “me” always has an opinion. Pure awareness just sees life unfolding, as though from the sidelines, and basks in the mystery of it. From there you see that nothing is wrong.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

47. “Who does he think he is expecting me to move to his hick town?”

Elizabeth is a friend of mine in another state. She sent me an email several months ago, frustrated because of what she was told by a man she’d been corresponding with. The guy lived about 150 miles from her in a small town. He told her he wouldn’t move and would expect any woman who wanted to be with him to join him there.

That news exasperated Elizabeth. “My gosh,” she wrote to me, “he expects a woman to move to that small hick town of his? Who does he think he is anyway – God’s gift to women? He thinks he’s so wonderful that any woman would just pick up and move where he wants her to go?”

The irritation Elizabeth was feeling came directly out of her view that this man was trying to tell women what to do. That wasn’t happening at all. What the guy was doing was simply being clear about what he wanted. He was clearly saying “this is what I want and if that fits you, fine. If not, we’re not a match.” Nothing wrong with that; he wasn’t demanding anything.

I’ve noticed it’s easy for us to judge another person and we don’t even notice we’re trying to tell them how they should live. Without realizing it, Elizabeth was thinking that if a guy wants a relationship he’ll have to be willing to compromise and move out of his “hick town”. But do people need to make concessions when they don’t want to? No, of course not. This guy was being upfront and honest, and a woman can take it or leave it. Seen that way there’s no problem.

The kind of faulty thinking we see in Elizabeth happens all the time in dating, from the seniors I’ve talked to over the years. Some examples are:

He wants to make sure all his money goes only to his children when he dies.
If she was willing to compromise a little she’d join me at the horse races.
She won’t even consider the idea of traveling in an RV.
He’s not going to tell ME he won’t join me for my family Chistmas gatherings.
She wants to go out dancing without me when she knows I don’t dance.
It’s so unfair of him to continue to date other women while he’s dating me.
We’ve been dating for six months and now she’s going on a cruise without me.
He spends way too much time with his kids.

The list could go on. In all cases, statements like these are saying, “That person doesn’t have a right to live as they want to.” If you think like that you’re going to suffer because you’re resisting reality. Think of it this way: Who has the right to decide how you live your life? If your answer is “I do” then doesn’t every other person also have that right? Does a date have any obligation at all to join you at the horse races? Does he have a duty to date only you? Is it all right for her to take a cruise without you? The answer in all cases is yes, of course.

You’re never a victim of someone else’s choices. You always have the right to either accept a person as they are or to see that this isn’t a fit for you and move on. Either way you’re not judging the person in any way. They’re just fine the way they are and we don’t need to control them. Without those judgments you’re without pain. It’s that simple.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer
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