47. “Who does he think he is expecting me to move to his hick town?”

Elizabeth is a friend of mine in another state. She sent me an email several months ago, frustrated because of what she was told by a man she’d been corresponding with. The guy lived about 150 miles from her in a small town. He told her he wouldn’t move and would expect any woman who wanted to be with him to join him there.

That news exasperated Elizabeth. “My gosh,” she wrote to me, “he expects a woman to move to that small hick town of his? Who does he think he is anyway – God’s gift to women? He thinks he’s so wonderful that any woman would just pick up and move where he wants her to go?”

The irritation Elizabeth was feeling came directly out of her view that this man was trying to tell women what to do. That wasn’t happening at all. What the guy was doing was simply being clear about what he wanted. He was clearly saying “this is what I want and if that fits you, fine. If not, we’re not a match.” Nothing wrong with that; he wasn’t demanding anything.

I’ve noticed it’s easy for us to judge another person and we don’t even notice we’re trying to tell them how they should live. Without realizing it, Elizabeth was thinking that if a guy wants a relationship he’ll have to be willing to compromise and move out of his “hick town”. But do people need to make concessions when they don’t want to? No, of course not. This guy was being upfront and honest, and a woman can take it or leave it. Seen that way there’s no problem.

The kind of faulty thinking we see in Elizabeth happens all the time in dating, from the seniors I’ve talked to over the years. Some examples are:

He wants to make sure all his money goes only to his children when he dies.
If she was willing to compromise a little she’d join me at the horse races.
She won’t even consider the idea of traveling in an RV.
He’s not going to tell ME he won’t join me for my family Chistmas gatherings.
She wants to go out dancing without me when she knows I don’t dance.
It’s so unfair of him to continue to date other women while he’s dating me.
We’ve been dating for six months and now she’s going on a cruise without me.
He spends way too much time with his kids.

The list could go on. In all cases, statements like these are saying, “That person doesn’t have a right to live as they want to.” If you think like that you’re going to suffer because you’re resisting reality. Think of it this way: Who has the right to decide how you live your life? If your answer is “I do” then doesn’t every other person also have that right? Does a date have any obligation at all to join you at the horse races? Does he have a duty to date only you? Is it all right for her to take a cruise without you? The answer in all cases is yes, of course.

You’re never a victim of someone else’s choices. You always have the right to either accept a person as they are or to see that this isn’t a fit for you and move on. Either way you’re not judging the person in any way. They’re just fine the way they are and we don’t need to control them. Without those judgments you’re without pain. It’s that simple.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer
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