49. Your dating life is simpler when you don't need security
Have you ever been dating a guy and you wanted him to make a commitment to you? Or you’ve felt those pangs of jealousy when you see your date having fun talking with another guy at a party? These and dozens of other conditions we find ourselves in feel like a real threat to our security don’t they?
If you’ve experienced these feelings you’re not alone. Most people spend a good deal of time trying to nail down security in life, either in a partnership or a job or even just being admired and appreciated by their circle of friends. That’s why we’re constantly trying to please people. We want their approval so we can feel secure.
How much of your life energy do you spend either seeking security or mourning the fact that life changed? If you look you may see that it’s quite a bit. Yet life is not about security. The true nature of life is change. Everything changes, you’ve no doubt noticed. Constant change is built into life just as gravity is. That’s the way it is. So seeking security is seeking something that doesn’t exist.
When you look at it that way it seems pretty silly doesn’t it? Do we really want to struggle for something that isn’t? It’s impossible to find security because there is no such thing. When that sinks in it can feel pretty hopeless. But the need for security only comes from the idea that “I’m a separate entity and I have to make life work.”
Is that true? Are you self-generated? Or does some unknown power give you life? I was with my 93-year-old dad this summer when he peacefully died. One moment there was breathing and the next moment it stopped. Yet the body hadn’t changed. Lungs were there, eyes were there, ears were there. But none of them functioned any more. The life force was gone. Dad had no control over the life force.
We also have no control over the life force that animates this body we call ours. We think we’re living life but the life force is actually living AS us. That means there is no “me” that needs security. There was never security in any moment of our lives anyway; life just moved as it did. Seeing that leaves you free to just enjoy life as it happens. Date, meet people, enjoy the process as you float in life like a leaf in the wind. That takes no effort, and without effort what’s left in life is just simple joy and the freedom to be. The struggle and pain is gone.
Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer
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