194. Can “they” make you unhappy or have you taken on that job?

When we’re unhappy with a dating relationship we usually think the problem points away from us. It’s them. We think, “If he hadn’t,” “Her words hurt,” “If only he would,” “She shouldn’t have,” …and all those statements point exactly in the wrong direction. We think “they” are causing our pain and suffering. So we try to change him or alter her so we can be happy. It’s what people have done forever, and it can’t work because “they” aren’t the problem.

Isn’t it logical that the one who’s suffering has the problem? If you’re hurting and you go to sleep at night, where is the pain? Gone. Isn’t that proof that the suffering lives in you? Instead of trying to change the men or women who show up on our dating movie screen the answer is to turn completely around and clean up the projector. Forget the projected.

When there are bits of dirt on the lens of the projector we get black spots on the screen. You can scrub all day trying to clean spots off the people on the screen but will it ever work? The answer is to clean the lens. Then we see the people without flaws. Without our fuzzy projector we can see they’re just being who they are.

Until we investigate reality with a little questioning we don’t see that we are the projectors of the life movie on our world screen. We are the ones who are deciding something “they” did was wrong, and we create our own suffering. When you think people should be different you’re living in a dream. It’s not reality. Reality is what is. Hank says something you don’t like and you hurt. What Hank says is reality. Your being hurt by it is your projection. If we prefer someone who acts another way we can always move on. But how can trying to change them make us happy when we’re the ones who have decided to be unhappy? It’s all about our projections as we each create the world we live in.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

193. This woman fell in love with her fantasy, not reality. Could you too?

I read recently about a woman who said her love for her husband has been dying ever since she met another man online about a year ago. She’d never met the man in person but fell in love with what he said about his values, his children, etc. Obviously she was in love with her image, not the man since she didn’t even really know him. It reminded me of how often I’ve seen that happen to friends and acquaintances in this mature dating age. Assuming they're single, they aren’t at risk of losing a marriage, but they are at risk of deceiving themselves when they fall in love with their imagined partner, not the person in front of them.

You’re probably falling in love with your image rather than the actual person if you haven’t taken some time to really see that person. At first it’s easy for any date to put on a fake face and pretend to be exactly what’s important to you. You love family? Oh, he does too. You love stock car racing? Well, so does she.

You can also be pretty sure you’re falling in love with your image rather than reality if you want that person to change. If so, chances are good that you’re falling in love with the changed person you imagine, not the real person in front of you. You picture the perfect partner or spouse and your picture includes all your dreams of how your partner would live and treat you.

But what if you see that person just as she is right now, without any changes? Is that still the person you could fall in love with, not expecting her to be different from right now? What sets apart happy, peaceful people from unhappy, stressed people is that happy people know the difference between reality and their thoughts about reality. Reality is “what is”. Your thoughts about reality are what you “want to be”. Fantasies are beautiful. They just can’t stand up to the light of real life.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

192. All stressful dating experiences can be questioned to find peace and happiness

I’ve talked in the past about Byron Katie, a woman who woke up to reality after many years of deep depression. I’ve been reading her latest book, A Thousand Names for Joy, which in many ways is an account of how she lives life without judgments, and the peace that can bring anyone. The book also explains how to use a method she’s called The Work to question thoughts that cause suffering.

Dating has a way of focusing and pinpointing feelings we might not have known we had. Jealousy or fears of loss are good examples. What Katie shares, and what masters and sages have shared throughout the centuries, is that it’s only believing our thoughts that makes us hurt. Reality itself isn’t painful, only our judgments about it.

We may not know how to let go of painful thoughts but that’s not necessary. What we can always do is question the truth of them. What is, is always true. We can’t argue with it. Our beliefs about what is are false when they argue with that reality. As we question often long-held beliefs we see through them; we realize they're not true.

So any time your life is pained with thoughts such as, “He should,” “I need,” “It’s not fair,” “I’m too old,” all you need to do is question the truth of those beliefs. Questions always take us back to reality, which is nothing other than this, right here, right now. Facts don’t hurt us. Opinions about those facts hurt.

The four questions of Katie’s work seem too simple to be effective. They’re profound because of their simplicity and their ability to lead us inside. The answers are never “out there,” which is where most of us look. Looking out there makes us victims. Looking in here gives us clarity.

If you want more peace and joy in your dating I invite you to try the questions of The Work. Take any painful thought you have, write it down, then apply Katie’s four questions:

1. Is my thought true?
2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do I react when I believe that thought?
4. Who would I be without the thought?

For more about The Work, and to print out a work sheet that helps you put your suffering thoughts on paper so you can question them go to www.thework.com. Or see reviews of any of Katie’s three books on Amazon.com.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer