192. All stressful dating experiences can be questioned to find peace and happiness

I’ve talked in the past about Byron Katie, a woman who woke up to reality after many years of deep depression. I’ve been reading her latest book, A Thousand Names for Joy, which in many ways is an account of how she lives life without judgments, and the peace that can bring anyone. The book also explains how to use a method she’s called The Work to question thoughts that cause suffering.

Dating has a way of focusing and pinpointing feelings we might not have known we had. Jealousy or fears of loss are good examples. What Katie shares, and what masters and sages have shared throughout the centuries, is that it’s only believing our thoughts that makes us hurt. Reality itself isn’t painful, only our judgments about it.

We may not know how to let go of painful thoughts but that’s not necessary. What we can always do is question the truth of them. What is, is always true. We can’t argue with it. Our beliefs about what is are false when they argue with that reality. As we question often long-held beliefs we see through them; we realize they're not true.

So any time your life is pained with thoughts such as, “He should,” “I need,” “It’s not fair,” “I’m too old,” all you need to do is question the truth of those beliefs. Questions always take us back to reality, which is nothing other than this, right here, right now. Facts don’t hurt us. Opinions about those facts hurt.

The four questions of Katie’s work seem too simple to be effective. They’re profound because of their simplicity and their ability to lead us inside. The answers are never “out there,” which is where most of us look. Looking out there makes us victims. Looking in here gives us clarity.

If you want more peace and joy in your dating I invite you to try the questions of The Work. Take any painful thought you have, write it down, then apply Katie’s four questions:

1. Is my thought true?
2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do I react when I believe that thought?
4. Who would I be without the thought?

For more about The Work, and to print out a work sheet that helps you put your suffering thoughts on paper so you can question them go to www.thework.com. Or see reviews of any of Katie’s three books on Amazon.com.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer