193. This woman fell in love with her fantasy, not reality. Could you too?

I read recently about a woman who said her love for her husband has been dying ever since she met another man online about a year ago. She’d never met the man in person but fell in love with what he said about his values, his children, etc. Obviously she was in love with her image, not the man since she didn’t even really know him. It reminded me of how often I’ve seen that happen to friends and acquaintances in this mature dating age. Assuming they're single, they aren’t at risk of losing a marriage, but they are at risk of deceiving themselves when they fall in love with their imagined partner, not the person in front of them.

You’re probably falling in love with your image rather than the actual person if you haven’t taken some time to really see that person. At first it’s easy for any date to put on a fake face and pretend to be exactly what’s important to you. You love family? Oh, he does too. You love stock car racing? Well, so does she.

You can also be pretty sure you’re falling in love with your image rather than reality if you want that person to change. If so, chances are good that you’re falling in love with the changed person you imagine, not the real person in front of you. You picture the perfect partner or spouse and your picture includes all your dreams of how your partner would live and treat you.

But what if you see that person just as she is right now, without any changes? Is that still the person you could fall in love with, not expecting her to be different from right now? What sets apart happy, peaceful people from unhappy, stressed people is that happy people know the difference between reality and their thoughts about reality. Reality is “what is”. Your thoughts about reality are what you “want to be”. Fantasies are beautiful. They just can’t stand up to the light of real life.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer