45. Your heart aches because of your beliefs; question them and be happy

"John called me Honey. He wouldn’t have done that unless he really cared.” “Christine turned me down when I asked, so obviously she’s not interested.” Both of those statements are based on an unseen belief – the belief that we know how people think and feel. Is that true? Maybe John naturally calls women Honey or Sweetheart as a matter of course. Maybe Christine had a particularly tiring day, but she doesn’t want you to think she’s getting old so she doesn’t tell you that.

Without being aware of it, even as we date at this more mature age, many of us have a lot of programmed beliefs that sneak into our lives and raise havoc. Over the years we’ve been thoroughly conditioned by the life we see, to assume certain things.

Byron Katie, in her book Loving What Is (see link at right) includes a list of some of those unquestioned, basic beliefs we tend to hold. A few of them are:

The present isn’t as good as the future
It’s possible to waste time
I’d be happy if I had my way
Life has been unfair to me

As seniors in the dating world many of us have also unconsciously bought into other beliefs, such as:

Time is passing me by
It’s possible to say the wrong thing or be in the wrong place
I need to figure out how to meet the right person
Others need to understand me
It’s critical to make a good first impression
We can determine what others think and feel

Judgments we make about ourselves and other people are often born out of these beliefs, and with them we cause ourselves a lot of pain. If you notice, these beliefs all come out of a sense that we know how life “should be”, and that “what is” isn’t good enough. Let’s take an example and follow it through a bit, the belief that “It’s possible for me to say the wrong thing or be in the wrong place.”

I’ve talked to many seniors over the years who are busily questioning the profiles they place in online dating services. A number of women, for instance, have asked me, “What do men want to read about women that I should put in my ad so it’ll get noticed?” The belief is that if my profile says the right thing I can make men notice me. How about the belief, “I can be in the wrong place”? How can you know the right or wrong place for you? Do you know more than the power that energizes life? And do you really think your words in a profile can determine how people feel about you? Do you control how they feel or do they?

The belief that you have to say the right thing in a profile would follow you right into your dating wouldn’t it? You’d be watching your words and actions carefully to make sure you’re controlling how your date feels. Is that really something under your control? Let’s say things seemed to get cool toward the end of the evening, or you didn’t get a call the next day as you had expected after a date. You start questioning yourself. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told him about other dating experiences I’ve had,” “He probably didn’t want to hear so much about my mother’s, health” “I shouldn’t have been so direct about my political beliefs”. All these thoughts are based on a belief that your words can be right or wrong.

But when you see life clearly you realize there is no right or wrong. If you think something is right you can bet someone else will think it’s wrong. So how could it be either wrong or right except in the mind of the one making the judgment. You can’t possibly say the wrong thing or be in the wrong place. You can’t possibly expect to have others understand you. It isn’t possible for you to do the thing that will bring the “right” person into your life.

As one zen master said centuries ago: “Spring comes and the grass grows by itself.” It really is that simple. Life in all forms, including you, grows and happens by itself also. To be happy in this dating life you could just relax, flow with it, and bask in the wonder of it all. You can’t know more than the Absolute what’s right for you so why not do what comes naturally and let results take care of themselves? That’s when you’re just naturally happy.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer