103. Are you living in a self-made prison for fear of rejection?

Over my lifetime I’ve done quite a lot of work in the area of self-discovery that involved participating in small groups with some intimate and deep emotional sharing. Adding those experiences to my own dating experiences over the past 10-plus years what I’ve noticed is that fear of rejection is a big issue for people. We’ve all suffered that heartache that comes from a lost relationship and it seems to hurt so much that we’ll do almost anything not to suffer that again.

Often what happens when we’re trying to avoid hurt is that we’re not honest with ourselves or the people we’re dating. That leads to trying to read their minds or second-guess them. To me, freedom in a relationship is paramount. That means being free to be yourself in all cases. When that happens it usually leads to much clearer and open communication.

We don’t want to ask Suzie if she’s angry when she seems cool and distant because we don’t want to hear the answer. But is it true that’ll keep us from pain? My experience is that it leads to pain rather than prevents it. If Suzie is pulling away from you isn’t it going to happen anyway if you don’t talk about it? On the other hand, if you can be honest enough to ask her, and she can honestly tell you the truth you have a chance to resolve something. Or if it can’t be resolved at least you’re not playing mind-reading games that can lead to a lot of hurt and anger. If you need to part it can be done in a warm spirit of caring if two people are mature enough to realize the reality of life, that people need to part sometimes.

The same is true with asking for what you want, from what I’ve seen. If you go along with your partner because it appears to be the way to maintain the relationship, but all the while you’re giving yourself up, where is your freedom to be you? If you lock yourself in a self-imposed prison of “going along” to keep your partner happy how long can that last? Won’t you eventually get tired of that and the truth of who you are will appear anyway? Fear of losing a relationship can never be a happy relationship. It’s guaranteed to break down eventually – probably sooner than later – because no one can hide their real nature forever. Is that the way any of us want to live?

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer