115. If you think your partner needs to change you’ve got a problem!

If you think your date or partner needs to change you’ve got a problem! Why? Because you’re pinning your happiness on what they do. You’re thinking, “I can only be happy if you do what I want you to do.” It’s as though you feel you must be with this person, therefore you also must get them to change to suit you. You’re confused. You’ve set yourself up as a victim. You think your happiness depends on them, and you’re in a no-win bind.

Let’s say Darren and Jody are dating. Generally it’s going well and Jody is feeling closer to Darren as time goes on. But she’s noticed lately that Darren gets easily jealous. When they go to a dance or a party he watches her like a hawk and gets angry if she spends any time dancing or talking with other men. She knows that kind of controlling, manipulating behavior would come up in other areas of their relationship as well. So Jody would like him to change that unhealthy behavior and may ask him if he’s willing to work on it. So far so good.

The problem comes if Jody thinks she needs Darren to change and has a right to demand that. She might then try to manipulate him into changing. If a relationship is to be truly loving and free both people have a right to live their lives the way they want to. Then they’re being together without conditions – no strings attached. In this case Jody could certainly ask Darren to change but she’d also make it clear she knows it’s entirely his choice.

If he chooses not to work on his jealousy issue and not to change, Jody doesn’t need to be a victim. She’s free to leave any time. Without brow beating him or trying to push him in any way she could simply tell him she doesn’t want to date a jealous man and she needs to move on.

It’s possible Darren could see that as a threat and think she’s manipulating him. But if he did that would be his own issue and an incorrect perspective. If Jody was coming from a place of unconditional love she’d know she was letting Darren be totally free to live his life the way he wanted. If he wanted to be with her he would need to change that unhealthy behavior but it wouldn’t be a forced or manipulated issue.

I’ve noticed that many times in relationships one or both people feel its their right to try to force the other one to be different. There’s no love in that. When people do that they’re selfishly wanting what they want. In effect they’re saying to their date or partner, “I want you to stop living life the way you want to live it and start living it the way I want you to live it.” Would any of us want someone telling us that? Probably not. Freedom works both ways.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer