118. It’s called relationship freedom: You can't freely stay if you can't also leave

If you don’t feel free to be yourself as you date or form partnerships you’re probably not feeling peaceful and happy. We generally feel stress when we have to monitor ourselves, watch our words, and pick through a mine field littered with “don’ts” “can’ts” and “better-nots”.

We’re never victims in a relationship, however, unless we choose to be. If we stay with a partner where we have to always be defensive and on guard it’s because we want something. We think the suffering from our lack of freedom is worth what we want. In the end, however, it’s our choice.

I always say, “You're not free to stay if you're not free to leave.” Freedom goes both ways. You can’t have one without the other. So when you feel free to leave a relationship you also know you’re staying because you want to, not because you have to.

I don’t advocate using “I’ll leave” as a threat or even as a solution in relationship discord. It’s simply a reality. If we don’t like our partner’s behavior we can ask them to change, but we don’t need to try to force or manipulate them to change. Manipulation and control is not love. We never “need” others to change because we’re not trapped. Consequently, we can love them as they are, whether they behave as we want or not. And in our love for them and ourselves we may also choose to move on to other dating and a new partner.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer