35. She could be peaceful even when he’s not faithful

If you think the man or woman in your life can make you happy, you also have to believe they can make you unhappy. Most people live between those two poles don’t they? Whether you’re a dating senior or a twenty-something that’s what you’ve probably learned: “If you do what I like I’m happy. If you do what I don’t like I’m unhappy.” We apply that same rationale to our date, our lover, our grown children and the neighbors. We’re sure we know what’s best. At least we know what’s best for us. That’s why we invest so heavily in trying to change people – so we can be happy. Even if our motivation is really “just to see them happy” isn’t the deeper reality that we want to make ourselves happy by seeing them happy?

But who gave us that job of changing externals so we can be happy? We took it on all by ourselves. We’ve assumed a “me” that’s running our lives, and we know what’s best. Then we have to fight all our lives to make it happen. But it never does. Once one problem is solved another comes up. If it’s not your date or partner it’s your grown kids or the government. There’s no peace. It’s a never-ending struggle. The only time we feel total relief is in deep sleep. There the thinking stops so “our” problems stop.

In these articles I’m talking about a radical change of view. Instead of attempting to get what we want, we notice reality as it is and do nothing more. Nothing! Just notice. Just observe. Just witness it. How many times have we been so sure something was terrible and later we’ve said, “That was a blessing in disguise.” Even when we can’t see what we think is a good end result do we really know from an infinite standpoint?

The lover isn’t faithful

Here’s an example. Take the lover who isn’t faithful to the monogamy he promised. We’re sure that’s dead wrong. But drop the judgment and we see what’s real. We see a man who isn’t faithful to his promised monogamy. “But he’s not supposed to do that,” you say. That’s a nice myth, but the reality is, he did. Can you fight that reality and win? No. It’s a done deal. He did what he did. “Supposed to” has as much to do with it as a red shirt.

If you want to judge him for it and feel abandoned and angry, guess who hurts? You do. The realistic, common-sense approach that seems so radical is to see the truth, not what you think should have happened. You can never live in the past; that’s where “should have” lives.

But from a place of seeing the truth in the moment you can say, “I understand you need to be with other women. For me I need a man who’s monogamous. We’re different, so I choose to move on.” There’s no need for all the emotional turmoil you’d experience if you’re resisting reality. In place of it is just the calm understanding that Life moves as it does. Part of the movement is a man who isn’t monogamous and a woman who sees that and moves on – effortlessly, spontaneously. Pretty simple isn’t it?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

34. Cling to your thoughts and reap dating disaster

You may be new to the senior dating world or you've been in it awhile. Or maybe you’re just considering the idea of dating again at this age. Without even realizing it you may also have a lot of preconceived ideas you’re buying into about dating in these mature years. In my last 10 years or so of dating as a senior I’ve heard mature singles talk about a host of beliefs they cling to that keep them from enjoying the whole adventure of dating.

Beliefs like “I’ve tried those online dating services and they don’t work,” or “I’ve looked at men’s profiles and they’re all looking for younger women” or “Women my age are too matronly; they don’t interest me” or “I’ve tried dating and everyone I meet is just not a fit for me.”

Have you considered, however, that those are beliefs – thoughts you’ve bought into? Of course they’re true for you because you believe them to be true. If you really want to know the truth, though, you might question those beliefs that could be preventing you from just having some fun at this senior dating thing.

Write out a belief, say “men are looking for younger women” and then look honestly to see, “Is that absolutely true?” You might notice that for some men it’s true, and for others it isn’t. Or take the belief “everyone I meet is just not a fit for me.” Well, maybe you just haven’t met enough people then. There are hundreds of thousands of singles in their senior years in this country. There have to be a few that would have some potential for you, don’t you think?

Question your beliefs

I’ve dated a great deal in the last 10 years or so and I’ve met a number of women who just weren’t a match for me, or me for them. We had a pleasant chat over coffee for an hour and it was over. But so what? There have also been many who, even though they may not have been a romantic match, have turned out to be very good friends. I’ve had a lot of enjoyment just sharing time with a variety of women. She didn’t have to be the love of my life for me to have a great time.

You might also have the mistaken belief that you need a partner to be happy. Is that true? Can another person make you happy or is that really your job? After all, you’re the only one you’ll never leave. But if you’re stuck to the idea that you need a partner to be happy, naturally you’ll be unhappy while you have no partner. There are no mistakes in life. It all happens just as it does, so if you have no partner it’s because right now you’re not supposed to have a partner. If you think that’s wrong ask yourself, “Can I absolutely know that the best thing for me right now would be to have a partner?" As one spiritual teacher says, “Who are we to think we can tell that which created us how to run our lives now?”

While you’re pursuing the dating world why wait for the glittering princess or the shining knight in armor to make you happy? Why not be happy while you’re in the process of meeting new people and exploring new possibilities? If you go into every first meeting with an agenda such as “I need to find just the right one” will you really be open to just seeing this person as she is?

It might help to remember that it’s always our thoughts that make us unhappy. It’s never any situation or person, but what we think about that person or situation that gives us pain. There’s no exceptions to this. You’re never unhappy in deep sleep are you? The circumstances of life didn’t disappear as you slept. What disappeared was your thoughts about them, nothing more.

If we think another person will make us happy we’ve assigned them a job they can’t fulfill. We’ve become attached to our idea of that person – our mythical image of him - not to the person as he is. Instead, when you’re just exploring life with no agenda, with your heart and mind wide open, isn’t there a natural joy of just being? Not being this or that, but just being. Live from there and your dating can be fun.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

33. "I'd never do that" - but does that make it wrong?

It can be surprising now, as a senior, to notice that some of the same old stuff comes up that came up when we were dating in our earlier years. A lack of understanding the behavior of our date or partner is one issue. “I just don’t understand you, I’d never do that,” we say, as though our way is right and theirs is wrong. Somehow we’ve picked up the idea that we’re supposed to understand them. We seem to think it’s their job to explain to our satisfaction. If it doesn’t make sense to us we won’t approve.

But wait a minute! Is it really the obligation of your date or lover to justify his behavior to you? Let’s say he doesn’t want to meet your family just yet. Or she plans an evening with girlfriends at a play. You don’t understand; it’s not the way you’d behave.

Does your date need to justify his actions to you? Or is it more true that he has a right to live as he wants? Who gets to decide how you live? If it’s you, then shouldn’t he also get to decide how he lives?

We always lose when we try to control life. People do what they do. Life happens as it does. Every tree grows with exactly the right number of branches and the right height. Every flower blooms precisely when it's supposed to. When we let Life flow the way it’s already flowing anyway, we’re happy. Our insistence on understanding another is not our right. Instead of trying to understand you can simply notice and accept. When you do that, you’re free, your partner is free and you can both enjoy seeing each other happy, doing what each wants to do.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer