34. Cling to your thoughts and reap dating disaster

You may be new to the senior dating world or you've been in it awhile. Or maybe you’re just considering the idea of dating again at this age. Without even realizing it you may also have a lot of preconceived ideas you’re buying into about dating in these mature years. In my last 10 years or so of dating as a senior I’ve heard mature singles talk about a host of beliefs they cling to that keep them from enjoying the whole adventure of dating.

Beliefs like “I’ve tried those online dating services and they don’t work,” or “I’ve looked at men’s profiles and they’re all looking for younger women” or “Women my age are too matronly; they don’t interest me” or “I’ve tried dating and everyone I meet is just not a fit for me.”

Have you considered, however, that those are beliefs – thoughts you’ve bought into? Of course they’re true for you because you believe them to be true. If you really want to know the truth, though, you might question those beliefs that could be preventing you from just having some fun at this senior dating thing.

Write out a belief, say “men are looking for younger women” and then look honestly to see, “Is that absolutely true?” You might notice that for some men it’s true, and for others it isn’t. Or take the belief “everyone I meet is just not a fit for me.” Well, maybe you just haven’t met enough people then. There are hundreds of thousands of singles in their senior years in this country. There have to be a few that would have some potential for you, don’t you think?

Question your beliefs

I’ve dated a great deal in the last 10 years or so and I’ve met a number of women who just weren’t a match for me, or me for them. We had a pleasant chat over coffee for an hour and it was over. But so what? There have also been many who, even though they may not have been a romantic match, have turned out to be very good friends. I’ve had a lot of enjoyment just sharing time with a variety of women. She didn’t have to be the love of my life for me to have a great time.

You might also have the mistaken belief that you need a partner to be happy. Is that true? Can another person make you happy or is that really your job? After all, you’re the only one you’ll never leave. But if you’re stuck to the idea that you need a partner to be happy, naturally you’ll be unhappy while you have no partner. There are no mistakes in life. It all happens just as it does, so if you have no partner it’s because right now you’re not supposed to have a partner. If you think that’s wrong ask yourself, “Can I absolutely know that the best thing for me right now would be to have a partner?" As one spiritual teacher says, “Who are we to think we can tell that which created us how to run our lives now?”

While you’re pursuing the dating world why wait for the glittering princess or the shining knight in armor to make you happy? Why not be happy while you’re in the process of meeting new people and exploring new possibilities? If you go into every first meeting with an agenda such as “I need to find just the right one” will you really be open to just seeing this person as she is?

It might help to remember that it’s always our thoughts that make us unhappy. It’s never any situation or person, but what we think about that person or situation that gives us pain. There’s no exceptions to this. You’re never unhappy in deep sleep are you? The circumstances of life didn’t disappear as you slept. What disappeared was your thoughts about them, nothing more.

If we think another person will make us happy we’ve assigned them a job they can’t fulfill. We’ve become attached to our idea of that person – our mythical image of him - not to the person as he is. Instead, when you’re just exploring life with no agenda, with your heart and mind wide open, isn’t there a natural joy of just being? Not being this or that, but just being. Live from there and your dating can be fun.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer