35. She could be peaceful even when he’s not faithful

If you think the man or woman in your life can make you happy, you also have to believe they can make you unhappy. Most people live between those two poles don’t they? Whether you’re a dating senior or a twenty-something that’s what you’ve probably learned: “If you do what I like I’m happy. If you do what I don’t like I’m unhappy.” We apply that same rationale to our date, our lover, our grown children and the neighbors. We’re sure we know what’s best. At least we know what’s best for us. That’s why we invest so heavily in trying to change people – so we can be happy. Even if our motivation is really “just to see them happy” isn’t the deeper reality that we want to make ourselves happy by seeing them happy?

But who gave us that job of changing externals so we can be happy? We took it on all by ourselves. We’ve assumed a “me” that’s running our lives, and we know what’s best. Then we have to fight all our lives to make it happen. But it never does. Once one problem is solved another comes up. If it’s not your date or partner it’s your grown kids or the government. There’s no peace. It’s a never-ending struggle. The only time we feel total relief is in deep sleep. There the thinking stops so “our” problems stop.

In these articles I’m talking about a radical change of view. Instead of attempting to get what we want, we notice reality as it is and do nothing more. Nothing! Just notice. Just observe. Just witness it. How many times have we been so sure something was terrible and later we’ve said, “That was a blessing in disguise.” Even when we can’t see what we think is a good end result do we really know from an infinite standpoint?

The lover isn’t faithful

Here’s an example. Take the lover who isn’t faithful to the monogamy he promised. We’re sure that’s dead wrong. But drop the judgment and we see what’s real. We see a man who isn’t faithful to his promised monogamy. “But he’s not supposed to do that,” you say. That’s a nice myth, but the reality is, he did. Can you fight that reality and win? No. It’s a done deal. He did what he did. “Supposed to” has as much to do with it as a red shirt.

If you want to judge him for it and feel abandoned and angry, guess who hurts? You do. The realistic, common-sense approach that seems so radical is to see the truth, not what you think should have happened. You can never live in the past; that’s where “should have” lives.

But from a place of seeing the truth in the moment you can say, “I understand you need to be with other women. For me I need a man who’s monogamous. We’re different, so I choose to move on.” There’s no need for all the emotional turmoil you’d experience if you’re resisting reality. In place of it is just the calm understanding that Life moves as it does. Part of the movement is a man who isn’t monogamous and a woman who sees that and moves on – effortlessly, spontaneously. Pretty simple isn’t it?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer