189. See reality not fiction and your dating will be free, fun, and painless

Reality is a wonderful thing to know, especially when we’re in those vulnerable areas of life like dating. One dictionary defines reality as “the state of being actual or real”. Another way of saying it is that reality is simply what is. Many people confuse reality with their thoughts and beliefs about reality but they’re quite different. You can read about swimming and believe you could swim. Once you actually swim, though, you no longer believe it. Now it’s actual, it’s what is.

Where dating causes us so much suffering is when we trust in our painful beliefs. Something happens; we unwittingly put our spin on it and hurt ourselves. “My partner danced with another woman” is just what is. “My partner danced with another woman and he shouldn’t have” is a belief.

Any time we’re hurting emotionally we can know we believe something that isn’t true or real. The real is what is and there’s nothing to argue about. For instance, you see a telephone pole and make no judgment about it. No judgment, no pain. Thinking it should be different would be painful. It has nothing to do with the fact. As you date – especially in the confusing, painful times – you may want to notice how often you’re believing your thoughts rather than seeing the facts. With clear seeing you know he should have danced with that woman because he did. It happened. You’re not trying to change reality.

To get out of that bad habit of believing thoughts all we have to do is question them. State your belief, then ask yourself: Is my belief about this true? Can I absolutely know that? How do I feel when I hold on to that belief? If you feel pain and misery you know you’re believing something that doesn’t exist except in your mind. It has nothing to do with reality. Seeing reality as it is never hurts. Beliefs always hurt when they argue with the truth. You can never win. What is, is. Fighting it is like fighting the blue of the sky. Absurd.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer