191. His clinging pushes away the very romance he so desperately seeks

I’ve said in other pages here that at this age in life many mature daters I’ve encountered feel desperate. Loneliness can drive concerns about age and finding companionship, especially if there’s been a recent divorce or death of a spouse. The desperate dater may feel, This may be my last chance. That feeling of desperation can kill a new relationship or friendship, however. A despairing, lonely person is needy and tries to force romance too quickly. It backfires.

I’ve recently heard about a man in his late 70s who began seeing a woman, and after a short time, even though she said she wanted to take things slowly, he was bringing gifts, including fine nightgowns. Her reaction? Initially she liked the attention but soon she felt pressured. She realized he was making her his escape from the pain of recent widowhood. He was falling fast in love with his image of who she was, without really knowing her.

When we feel that someone out there can supply our happiness we’ve missed the train. Others can share joy in our lives but we have to be our own happiness. Joy is always in the moment, never out there and in the future. If you rely on others for your happiness you’ll always be their slave. The moment they fail to give you what you want you suffer, hopelessly.

We can give ourselves the happiness we seek and never worry about it being withdrawn, however, because true contentment, joy, and happiness is what’s left and has always been there, lying in wait, when we stop our internal war with life. How? By seeing that reality is all there has ever been. We start our war when we oppose and argue and fight with reality – what is. When we see the falseness of our opinions and judgments there’s no more war. The natural joy of our being is what remains and has always been there. It’s not something we have to find or work to get. It’s what flows naturally when our confused resistance to life dries up.

When you live without wanting anything other than what is you’re at peace. You can watch a friendship blossom naturally into a romance if that’s meant to be, without manipulation or control. Then you can truly share love, without wanting anything back. No pressure, no clinging. Your date is free and wants to be with you because you’re safe. You’re not trying to squeeze her into a mold you’ve created.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer