137. Taking risks can be a way of loving yourself and delighting in a new adventure

Several years ago I went as a single to a ballroom dance. I was sitting through one number because it was Latin music I didn’t know how to dance to. A woman came up and asked me to dance. We’d never seen each other, and it felt good to have her ask. She wasn’t particularly pretty or a skilled dancer, but I said ‘yes’ and we had a good time, even though I didn’t really know what I was doing. It was a chance to meet a person I probably wouldn’t have met.

She was an attorney out to have fun and obviously she wasn’t going to sit around the sidelines hoping someone would ask her to get on the floor. No. She decided to take charge and control her own happiness. I can’t imagine any man at the dance who wouldn’t have wanted to dance with her, just because she asked.

Somewhere in our society we got the idea that a man can control his destiny by asking for what he wants, but a woman can’t. There may have been a reason why that made sense in the past. But I can’t think of any reason today, can you? Women want and deserve equal rights. Yet so many ‘mature’ or ‘senior’ women still don’t recognize they can assert their equal status by just changing their attitudes about old roles. Every man I know has been turned down for a dance or a date when he’s asked, at some time in his life, probably many times. I've sure had my share of turn-downs.

You might be surprised, though, at the women over the years who have told me they won’t ask a man to dance or to go out because they don’t want to be rejected. They say it’s scary to risk being turned down. But is that worse than not having the opportunity at all? Asking and being turned down doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. In fact, it probably has nothing at all to do with you. No man who’s even a little bit caring about people is going to turn a woman down because she doesn’t look right for a dance. Come on now, it’s just a dance.

As for a date, it is possible that a person you ask to go out just doesn’t feel you’d be a fit together? In that case, honesty is the best policy. Being turned down doesn’t really have anything to do with you at all. I met a woman who I later called and asked about dating and she told me her daughters had recently moved away from home and she needed some space to herself, without being encumbered by anyone else. We had been introduced by a friend and had a first meeting with the idea that we might spend some time together.

Our coffee meeting went well I thought and she seemed like a nice person I’d like to get to know. I’m not sure whether she changed her mind because I didn’t strike her right, or whether in fact she just needed time alone. But it didn’t matter. I didn’t take it as a reflection on me at all, and you don’t need to either if it happens to you. It just means it wasn’t meant to be, and that’s all it means.

The sad thing about all this is that we limit ourselves by rules and roles imposed by others. “They” say it’s not the proper way. Who is “they”? And why should their voices be heard above our own? The key is to follow your heart. What would you like to do, ask someone to dance, or meet for dinner or a movie? Then ask.

Every day we fall into the old habits of limiting ourselves because of what others have told us or what we’ve come to believe about ourselves. But you can question those beliefs, including the belief that if I’m rejected I won’t be able to handle it. Is that really true? What’s the worst that could happen? Most of those old admonitions aren’t true and may never have been true for us. But we’ve unconsciously bought into them. And they leave us emotionally ragged and poverty-stricken when we live by them.

We go around saying we want love. But are we expecting that to come from someone else? Getting love is our job. Why not step in and love ourselves? We treat ourselves well by following our hearts, that intuitive voice that says, “Let’s do this.”

If you had a grown daughter would you tell her, “It’s okay to go to a dance, Honey, but I’d sure be disappointed if I knew you had asked a man to dance.” Or would you discourage her from asking a man out? Of course not. You’d encourage her to live to the fullest and have a good time. But for you, it may look different. “Oh, I couldn’t do that. I’ve never asked a man to dance before. It would just seem so odd.”

Sure, it might seem odd. But taking risks is a part of life for all of us. No one feels comfortable doing something they’ve never done before. But we can push out and do it anyway. What can you lose, except your fear of doing it? Chances are you’ll be delighted with the result. You’ll meet a new person, have a chance to dance or date when you would have been sitting on the sidelines, and best of all, boost your own self-esteem and self-confidence.

Every time we push out into new territory for ourselves, we win, even if the result doesn’t turn out to be what we expected. Why do we win? Because we’ve achieved one more thing in our lives, jumped one more hurdle, opened up to one more experience. And every experience is a new adventure.

Living is about flowing with life, not cutting off life. If your intuitive sense says asking someone to dance or date sounds interesting, why not go for it? Only memories of what has happened or what you ‘should’ do could cause you pain. Drop those wispy memory-thoughts and what’s left? Just the adventure of living spontaneously and freely. And maybe meeting the guy of your dreams.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer