139. Accepting ‘what is’ means sometimes compassionately sharing the other’s pain

If your dating is more than just seeing a person once or twice you’ll probably be sharing some things in greater depth as you get to know each other better. As mature and senior daters we’ve all experienced painful times in our lives, through divorce or loss of a spouse, or through disagreements and possible alienation from some of our adult children, or for many other reasons. It’s not unusual when we’re dating to want to share some of these painful experiences with our date or partner.

The other person, however, may not be so ready to hear as you are to share, and sometimes you may feel you haven’t really been understood. You feel pushed away and closed off. What could have been a bonding in your relationship can instead be a rift and a separation.

Years ago I was at a conference and heard a prominent Catholic priest and nationally-recognized author tell this story. He had a young woman friend who had been hospitalized with a serious medical condition. In the hospital she was frightened and suffering emotionally, and she later told the priest that there was one person out of all her visitors who really made a difference for her when she was feeling so hurt and vulnerable.

When the priest asked what this man did the woman replied, “He didn’t try to tell me it’ll be all right and he didn’t try to fix me,” she said. “He showed me he understood because he just got on the floor (figuratively) and cried with me.” The woman felt seen; she felt someone was willing to share where she was at the moment.

I think we so often shy away from just listening when the other person wants to share their feelings with us, probably because we don’t want to know they’re in so much pain or distress, and we don’t know what to do with our own feelings. So we try to steer people away from saying what they authentically feel. Instead we tell ourselves we’ll make them feel better by saying it’ll be over soon, or time heals all things, even when we know those papered-over comments don’t feel good when we’re in their situation.

Yes, time does heal. “But who’s going to be with me right now while I’m hurting? You obviously aren’t because you’re trying to get me to look at something else when what I want is not to feel so lonely in this deep hurt, fear and confusion I’m feeling. I want someone to be here with me, not trying to talk me out of my real experience at the moment.”

Telling someone things will be better in the future is something like hearing someone talk about their pain, then pointing out the pretty bird on the tree limb outside the window. They don’t want to talk about pretty birds right then. They want to be heard and seen and understood. They want someone to treat them with enough respect to honor their pain and feel it with them and cry with them, not ‘fix’ them and try to distract them in patronizing and condescending ways.

There are certainly situations where some people seem to wallow in their pain and they want someone to wallow with them. I’m not talking about that. That’s enabling them to stay stuck. I’m talking about times when genuine feelings just seem to need to be shared. After you’ve listened completely and with compassion your date or partner may feel great relief. Then there’s no need for them to continue to replay the painful times again and again. In the process you can’t help but develop a closer bond and a deeper appreciation for each other. It’s the love of real caring and support. And it happens when you’re able to simply be present to ‘what is’, without trying to control life and make it different than it is.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer