140. It can’t be rejection unless you say so

I was at a dance for singles one night some years ago. People who weren’t on the floor were seated around tables. I’d been sitting out one number, then the DJ put on a great Big Band tune, the kind of music I can hardly resist dancing to. I saw a woman sitting a few tables away and went over to ask her to dance. She turned me down cold.

That doesn’t happen to me often but on the way back to my table I saw another woman sitting alone so I stopped and asked her if she’d like to dance. Again I got turned down. That was a first for me – getting turned down by two women within seconds. I actually went back to my table chuckling. It just seemed surprising and kind of funny to me.

Was I rejected twice? No. What happened would only have been rejection if I had said so. I have no idea why these women didn’t want to dance with me right then. Maybe they didn’t like my looks. Maybe they were tired. Maybe they were hoping someone else would ask. Maybe they were about to head for the bathroom. You see? I had no idea why they said no. What I did see is that they could have had dozens of reasons but none of them had anything to do with me.

Even if they didn’t like my looks, or they didn’t like the way I danced from having seen me previously, that would still have nothing to do with me. Why? Because to them I’m only the picture they formed in their own minds. Their picture isn’t me. They didn’t even know me. What I saw instead of rejection is that life simply happens as it happens. There’s no mystery to it and it doesn’t mean anything particularly. It just is.

My being turned down twice within 10 seconds was also just what happened. If I thought it should have been different I’d have been making a judgment and obviously I’d also have created some hurt for myself. Nothing should be different than it is. Our thoughts create a lot of suffering for us when our opinions, interpretations and judgments conclude that something should be ‘our’ way rather than the way it is.

If you feel rejected in your dating just notice that you’re the one who called a happening ‘rejection’. Without that label the experience was simply an experience. You can see it in a light-hearted, humorous way and just observe life moving along, or you can choose to feel disconnected, hurt and humiliated. The choice is pretty simple. If you’re not sure, investigate if you’re feeling hurt. Ask yourself if you really know that something should be different. If you see that you don’t know, then there’s just acceptance of life as it is. No problems, no suffering.

Copyright © 2006 Chuck Custer