27. Are you happily dating or tortured by turmoil?
The title of this blog is about making senior dating fun. “Fun” is a short word that works well in a headline. Better words might be something like “making senior dating pleasant” or “being happy as you date in these mature years”. What I’m really talking about is not “fun” as opposed to “not fun”; I really mean “fun” in the sense of being content and peaceful as you date, living with an inner joy or an ease that isn’t disturbed by what happens in your dating.
But the question is, How do we get to that place of contentment where we’re not bothered by the ups and downs of dating? Let’s just paint a scene here. Let’s say you wake up in the morning. For a few seconds you’re not quite aware where you are and thoughts of the world haven’t shown up yet. Then the thoughts come and you remember you had a disagreement with your lover. You’re immediately flooded with feelings of fear and unease. Shortly after, the phone rings and you get the news that you’re a grandmother for the first time, and you’re elated.
Did the fact of your disagreement and the fact of your new grandchild make you happy or unhappy? After all, those were facts before you thought about them. But they didn’t affect you until thoughts came in. It’s like that in life all the time. Certain thoughts show up and we’re happy, other thoughts show up and we’re unhappy. When we attach to those thoughts we’re always on a rollercoaster aren’t we? It happens a lot in the dating world because many of us have a strong desire to be successful in finding a partner. Especially as seniors we often don’t want to be alone in later years. So the stakes are high, thus the emotions are intense.
If you depend on the mind, it’ll always make you unhappy. Even when you feel happy there’s the fear that you’ll lose what’s making you happy and so even the happiness is tainted with a fear in the background. I know a woman who told me she’s always asking her lover, “Are we all right?” What she means is, Am I secure with you? Are you going to leave? That’s all just generated in thought.
Actually it’s not thoughts that are the problem. They come constantly without our consent. The problem is that we latch onto those thoughts and think they’re “my” thoughts. We act like they define us. But the thoughts change so frequently - and the feelings that go with them – that we have to wonder, Can I really hang my well-being on all these shifting thoughts? Without the thought who would we be? We might just be like the small child, aware and present, but without an interpretation and judgment about thoughts, just watching and witnessing life and noticing that most of the time life doesn’t even coincide with our thoughts. Want proof? Just think of all the things you worried about that never happened. Or just watch and see how your feelings go up and down because of thoughts. Do you really want to live that way? Be the witness and you don’t have to.
Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer
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