30. She got angry when she got no praise

I knew a woman once (we’ll call her Marie) who became angry and silent with her husband because he came home from work and didn’t notice she had washed and waxed the kitchen floor. You might think that’s a silly thing to be upset about but people do similar things all the time. It happens especially in dating relationships because we’re usually so hyper-sensitive to whether we’re being accepted and loved or not. And seniors in their 50s, 60s and beyond are no more immune than younger folks. In fact, I’ve seen that unless we question our programmed responses to life that programming will jerk us around until we die. Usually we’ve been programmed pretty early in life. The old tape plays and we don’t even know it’s been turned on.

We don’t know, that is, until we start paying attention to that unmistakable signal – we’re emotionally hurt. We know it by the pain in the shoulders, the hot feeling in the pit of the stomach, the knot in the gut. If Marie had known how to listen to that gut-wrenching sensation, she could have seen that her thoughts were the cause of her pain.

As she was feeling the disappointment and hurt she then might have stopped to question her belief that her husband should have noticed her shiny floor and praised her. She might have seen that his not noticing didn’t mean he didn’t care about her. She might have considered that perhaps he was tired. Or maybe he was worried because his annual review didn’t go well that day. The truth is, she wouldn’t need to know why he didn’t notice her clean floor but only that he didn’t notice. In simple terms, what happened was that he didn’t notice. You can accept it or fight it. Either way it doesn’t change.

But notice how painful it is when we believe our thoughts about a person or event and the world isn’t acting according to our beliefs. Seeing how much we hurt we might be more willing to question ourselves. In Marie’s case, let’s say she held the belief that her husband didn’t care about her because he didn’t notice the floor. That thought brings a lot of pain.

On the other hand, how would she feel if she questioned her belief that he didn’t care. She might see that she doesn’t know whether that’s true or not. What does life actually show? Do men sometimes not notice the gifts of women? Do women sometimes not notice the gifts of men? Sure. We’re all human. That’s the way life is, isn’t it? (See Article #19 again for Byron Katie’s method that could be used in this type of questioning.)

Do we really think that by getting mad at someone they’ll change and then we can be happy? That’s crazy isn’t it? The world and its people just do what they do. As long as we expect the world to make us happy we’re doomed. Happiness only comes from seeing that the world always does what it’s doing. When we let go of our opinions and judgments what’s left is just the natural wonder and awe of a child, watching this mystery of life unfold.

In this case, Marie was apparently expecting her husband to give her approval, instead of just approving of herself for a job well done. When he didn’t give it she felt cheated. Whether the issue is that your date didn’t hold the car door for you, or didn’t bring the flowers you expected or didn’t compliment you on your new dress, the disappointment always hurts when you expect something else. The question you can ask then is always the same: Is my interpretation of this correct? Do I know I’m absolutely right in my belief about this?

By investigating life we might understand that we’re not really controlling the show. We’re not in charge. When we believe life should be our way instead of the way it is, we suffer – always. The suffering may be in the form of jealousy, sadness, anger or whatever, but it’s there. It’s the warning bell, saying, “Your thinking is off track.” It’s like physical pain in your body, saying, “Time to see the doctor.” The suffer bell is saying, “Time to question your thoughts and beliefs.” If you do question, you might be surprised at the contentment and happiness you feel when you see “what is” and simply allow it to be that way. Then if you need to act you will. But you’ll do it with clarity and calm, not anger and hurt. “They” are never the cause of our suffering. It’s only always about us and our thoughts.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer