32. “I'm not good enough” – are you sure that’s true?

Throughout life we’ve been taught to think things through and figure things out. “Use your head,” they tell us. The message is clear: The mind is the key to our success. So we’re used to listening to our thoughts.

But you might have noticed, thoughts are often wrong,. We worry (thoughts) about something bad happening and later realize that was wasted energy. We think we know how something will turn out, and we don’t. We believe (thoughts again) we know how someone feels about a situation; they didn’t feel that way at all. Yet we don’t seem to notice how often our thoughts have nothing to do with real life. Life doesn’t care what we think, it just does what it does.

As we date in these mature years there are a lot of thoughts that can deter us or keep us from being happy. Most of them are probably wrong. If you head out on a date believing you’re not very attractive because you’ve put on 10 pounds, for example, how happy are you? How available are you to your date? Many of us have added a few pounds, we’ve all added a few wrinkles, parts of us that used to be vital and firm now are probably sagging a little.

Aging happens and there’s not a thing we can do about it. What we can do, however, is notice whether we’re believing our thoughts – about dating or anything else. If we’re not questioning our thoughts and beliefs we’re probably hurting, maybe a lot of the time.

We can’t stop the thoughts, they just show up. We don’t decide when to think or not, or what to think about. Don’t believe me about this, look and see if you want to. So, we don’t control thinking. But – and this is a big but – we can begin to see through the thoughts instead of attaching to them. A thought comes: “He probably won’t like me; I’m too fat.” Really? Is that true? Can you absolutely know that’s true? When you hold that thought you’re pretty miserable aren’t you? And if you answer honestly you’ll see that you don’t even know that it’s true. Would you be happier if you just let that thought go by?

I’ve known women who wouldn’t date for months because they had put on some weight. They were assuming they knew the truth – that men wouldn’t want to be with them. On the other hand, I know a man who’s been married twice, both times to fairly heavy women. And he’s a skinny guy. I also know three older, single women who have had face lifts. They must have felt they’d be more attractive to men. But is it true? The person they were was still there.

Every time you’re feeling some painful emotion – disappointment, sadness, anger, fear, unworthiness – notice what you’re thinking. If you want to get past the suffering ask yourself, is that thought true? If you’re not sure it is, doesn’t that mean you’re suffering for something you can’t even verify? How would you live if you didn’t believe the thought? You might notice you’d have a lot more fun and you’d also be a more delightful playmate.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer