29. Is your giving free, or do you want something back?

You’ve been in a long marriage and you know the ropes. You know that in a good relationship people do things for each other. Now you’re a senior in the dating world again and naturally you bring the pattern of your marriage into your life as you meet and mingle with potential partners. But often our idea of people doing things for each other forgets the freedom part. Instead of giving freely the giving looks like this: “I do this for you and you do that for me.” That even sounds fair doesn’t it? Good balance. But in order to keep a balance there has to be a list on one side balanced by a list on the other side.

That’s what many relationships are. They’re more like a business contract if you really examine them. The contract looks like this: “I’ll do this for you IF….” I’ll do this for you IF you go to the opera with me. I’ll do this for you IF you go to the company party with me. I won’t get mad at you IF you stay close to me at that party and don’t wander off and talk to other people. I’ll do this for you IF you go to my family functions during the holidays when I know you’d rather stay home.

I say relationships are usually about trading because there are few people who give love with no expectation of return. Love – real love - means no strings. It doesn’t mean “I do this for you and I expect something back.” You may expect just a smile, or a thank you. Or you may expect him to go with you to visit your grandkids. If you expect anything at all, it’s not love; it’s not freely given.

Instead, you’ve set up a contract. And the worst part is, your dating partner hasn’t even seen it or signed it. It’s a secret contract that only you know about. As you read this you may be saying, “I’d never do that; I don’t operate that way.” But if you look closely at some of the painful times in your relationship you might notice that an unmet expectation was the cause. You’re hurting because your partner hasn’t fulfilled his end of your secret bargain. How does that affect your relationship? Can’t you imagine your partner is chagrined when she finds out there were expectations she didn’t know about? If you think this doesn’t happen just recall how many times in life you’ve heard people say something like, “I went to (fill in the blank) and now he won’t even come to (fill in the blank).” Doesn’t add much happiness to your dating life does it?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer