28. Without the freedom to leave you have no freedom to stay
If you could put that new guy or gal you’re dating in a cage would you do it? If you could cage them you’d always know where they were and they couldn’t get away from you. Of course you wouldn’t want that. But isn’t that what we’re doing, figuratively, when we try to control another with our jealousy and rage? We want to have power over them so we can be sure they’re always available to us. Our insecurities make us think we need to be in command of the person we’re dating.
But if we look deeper is that what we really want? If we really care for a person do we actually want them to stop living life the way they want and live life according to our wishes? Does that feel like love, or does it feel like manipulation? If we stop for just a minute to remember the feelings we’ve had when we feel trapped by a person, I think most people would say it’s not a good feeling. When someone is clinging to you don’t you feel smothered? Don’t you just want to get away?
Real love is always freedom. If we truly love someone we want for them what they want for themselves. It’s in freedom that people want to stay in a relationship, not when they’re being boxed in. If they don’t have the freedom to leave they don’t have the freedom to stay. It would be like saying, You have the freedom to eat but you don’t have the freedom to stop eating. Would you start eating? No, because you know you'd die. Look what happens to a pool of water when it has no outlet. A stream keeps feeding it but if it has no release the pool gets stagnant and dies. Or consider breathing… could you take in air without being able to let it out? It doesn’t work does it?
If you think you need to control someone by your jealousy you could ask yourself, Will she love me more when I try to restrict her freedom? Do I really need her to live her life my way instead of her own? Restriction isn’t love, it’s possession. And every possession contains within it the fear that you’ll lose it.
Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer
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