35. She could be peaceful even when he’s not faithful

If you think the man or woman in your life can make you happy, you also have to believe they can make you unhappy. Most people live between those two poles don’t they? Whether you’re a dating senior or a twenty-something that’s what you’ve probably learned: “If you do what I like I’m happy. If you do what I don’t like I’m unhappy.” We apply that same rationale to our date, our lover, our grown children and the neighbors. We’re sure we know what’s best. At least we know what’s best for us. That’s why we invest so heavily in trying to change people – so we can be happy. Even if our motivation is really “just to see them happy” isn’t the deeper reality that we want to make ourselves happy by seeing them happy?

But who gave us that job of changing externals so we can be happy? We took it on all by ourselves. We’ve assumed a “me” that’s running our lives, and we know what’s best. Then we have to fight all our lives to make it happen. But it never does. Once one problem is solved another comes up. If it’s not your date or partner it’s your grown kids or the government. There’s no peace. It’s a never-ending struggle. The only time we feel total relief is in deep sleep. There the thinking stops so “our” problems stop.

In these articles I’m talking about a radical change of view. Instead of attempting to get what we want, we notice reality as it is and do nothing more. Nothing! Just notice. Just observe. Just witness it. How many times have we been so sure something was terrible and later we’ve said, “That was a blessing in disguise.” Even when we can’t see what we think is a good end result do we really know from an infinite standpoint?

The lover isn’t faithful

Here’s an example. Take the lover who isn’t faithful to the monogamy he promised. We’re sure that’s dead wrong. But drop the judgment and we see what’s real. We see a man who isn’t faithful to his promised monogamy. “But he’s not supposed to do that,” you say. That’s a nice myth, but the reality is, he did. Can you fight that reality and win? No. It’s a done deal. He did what he did. “Supposed to” has as much to do with it as a red shirt.

If you want to judge him for it and feel abandoned and angry, guess who hurts? You do. The realistic, common-sense approach that seems so radical is to see the truth, not what you think should have happened. You can never live in the past; that’s where “should have” lives.

But from a place of seeing the truth in the moment you can say, “I understand you need to be with other women. For me I need a man who’s monogamous. We’re different, so I choose to move on.” There’s no need for all the emotional turmoil you’d experience if you’re resisting reality. In place of it is just the calm understanding that Life moves as it does. Part of the movement is a man who isn’t monogamous and a woman who sees that and moves on – effortlessly, spontaneously. Pretty simple isn’t it?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

34. Cling to your thoughts and reap dating disaster

You may be new to the senior dating world or you've been in it awhile. Or maybe you’re just considering the idea of dating again at this age. Without even realizing it you may also have a lot of preconceived ideas you’re buying into about dating in these mature years. In my last 10 years or so of dating as a senior I’ve heard mature singles talk about a host of beliefs they cling to that keep them from enjoying the whole adventure of dating.

Beliefs like “I’ve tried those online dating services and they don’t work,” or “I’ve looked at men’s profiles and they’re all looking for younger women” or “Women my age are too matronly; they don’t interest me” or “I’ve tried dating and everyone I meet is just not a fit for me.”

Have you considered, however, that those are beliefs – thoughts you’ve bought into? Of course they’re true for you because you believe them to be true. If you really want to know the truth, though, you might question those beliefs that could be preventing you from just having some fun at this senior dating thing.

Write out a belief, say “men are looking for younger women” and then look honestly to see, “Is that absolutely true?” You might notice that for some men it’s true, and for others it isn’t. Or take the belief “everyone I meet is just not a fit for me.” Well, maybe you just haven’t met enough people then. There are hundreds of thousands of singles in their senior years in this country. There have to be a few that would have some potential for you, don’t you think?

Question your beliefs

I’ve dated a great deal in the last 10 years or so and I’ve met a number of women who just weren’t a match for me, or me for them. We had a pleasant chat over coffee for an hour and it was over. But so what? There have also been many who, even though they may not have been a romantic match, have turned out to be very good friends. I’ve had a lot of enjoyment just sharing time with a variety of women. She didn’t have to be the love of my life for me to have a great time.

You might also have the mistaken belief that you need a partner to be happy. Is that true? Can another person make you happy or is that really your job? After all, you’re the only one you’ll never leave. But if you’re stuck to the idea that you need a partner to be happy, naturally you’ll be unhappy while you have no partner. There are no mistakes in life. It all happens just as it does, so if you have no partner it’s because right now you’re not supposed to have a partner. If you think that’s wrong ask yourself, “Can I absolutely know that the best thing for me right now would be to have a partner?" As one spiritual teacher says, “Who are we to think we can tell that which created us how to run our lives now?”

While you’re pursuing the dating world why wait for the glittering princess or the shining knight in armor to make you happy? Why not be happy while you’re in the process of meeting new people and exploring new possibilities? If you go into every first meeting with an agenda such as “I need to find just the right one” will you really be open to just seeing this person as she is?

It might help to remember that it’s always our thoughts that make us unhappy. It’s never any situation or person, but what we think about that person or situation that gives us pain. There’s no exceptions to this. You’re never unhappy in deep sleep are you? The circumstances of life didn’t disappear as you slept. What disappeared was your thoughts about them, nothing more.

If we think another person will make us happy we’ve assigned them a job they can’t fulfill. We’ve become attached to our idea of that person – our mythical image of him - not to the person as he is. Instead, when you’re just exploring life with no agenda, with your heart and mind wide open, isn’t there a natural joy of just being? Not being this or that, but just being. Live from there and your dating can be fun.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

33. "I'd never do that" - but does that make it wrong?

It can be surprising now, as a senior, to notice that some of the same old stuff comes up that came up when we were dating in our earlier years. A lack of understanding the behavior of our date or partner is one issue. “I just don’t understand you, I’d never do that,” we say, as though our way is right and theirs is wrong. Somehow we’ve picked up the idea that we’re supposed to understand them. We seem to think it’s their job to explain to our satisfaction. If it doesn’t make sense to us we won’t approve.

But wait a minute! Is it really the obligation of your date or lover to justify his behavior to you? Let’s say he doesn’t want to meet your family just yet. Or she plans an evening with girlfriends at a play. You don’t understand; it’s not the way you’d behave.

Does your date need to justify his actions to you? Or is it more true that he has a right to live as he wants? Who gets to decide how you live? If it’s you, then shouldn’t he also get to decide how he lives?

We always lose when we try to control life. People do what they do. Life happens as it does. Every tree grows with exactly the right number of branches and the right height. Every flower blooms precisely when it's supposed to. When we let Life flow the way it’s already flowing anyway, we’re happy. Our insistence on understanding another is not our right. Instead of trying to understand you can simply notice and accept. When you do that, you’re free, your partner is free and you can both enjoy seeing each other happy, doing what each wants to do.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

32. “I'm not good enough” – are you sure that’s true?

Throughout life we’ve been taught to think things through and figure things out. “Use your head,” they tell us. The message is clear: The mind is the key to our success. So we’re used to listening to our thoughts.

But you might have noticed, thoughts are often wrong,. We worry (thoughts) about something bad happening and later realize that was wasted energy. We think we know how something will turn out, and we don’t. We believe (thoughts again) we know how someone feels about a situation; they didn’t feel that way at all. Yet we don’t seem to notice how often our thoughts have nothing to do with real life. Life doesn’t care what we think, it just does what it does.

As we date in these mature years there are a lot of thoughts that can deter us or keep us from being happy. Most of them are probably wrong. If you head out on a date believing you’re not very attractive because you’ve put on 10 pounds, for example, how happy are you? How available are you to your date? Many of us have added a few pounds, we’ve all added a few wrinkles, parts of us that used to be vital and firm now are probably sagging a little.

Aging happens and there’s not a thing we can do about it. What we can do, however, is notice whether we’re believing our thoughts – about dating or anything else. If we’re not questioning our thoughts and beliefs we’re probably hurting, maybe a lot of the time.

We can’t stop the thoughts, they just show up. We don’t decide when to think or not, or what to think about. Don’t believe me about this, look and see if you want to. So, we don’t control thinking. But – and this is a big but – we can begin to see through the thoughts instead of attaching to them. A thought comes: “He probably won’t like me; I’m too fat.” Really? Is that true? Can you absolutely know that’s true? When you hold that thought you’re pretty miserable aren’t you? And if you answer honestly you’ll see that you don’t even know that it’s true. Would you be happier if you just let that thought go by?

I’ve known women who wouldn’t date for months because they had put on some weight. They were assuming they knew the truth – that men wouldn’t want to be with them. On the other hand, I know a man who’s been married twice, both times to fairly heavy women. And he’s a skinny guy. I also know three older, single women who have had face lifts. They must have felt they’d be more attractive to men. But is it true? The person they were was still there.

Every time you’re feeling some painful emotion – disappointment, sadness, anger, fear, unworthiness – notice what you’re thinking. If you want to get past the suffering ask yourself, is that thought true? If you’re not sure it is, doesn’t that mean you’re suffering for something you can’t even verify? How would you live if you didn’t believe the thought? You might notice you’d have a lot more fun and you’d also be a more delightful playmate.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

31. You're happy naturally when you drop your "shoulds"

Happiness. It’s the one thing we’re all looking for isn’t it? Whether it’s the teenage kid wanting to get his first car or the widower in his 60s who’s thrilled about the new woman he’s just met, we’re looking for happiness. Any time we want something it stems from the desire to be happy. We think if we get what we want it will add to our happiness. And it does, for a short time. But then we all know by this age, we’ll soon be on the search-for-happiness treadmill again. It never fails, what we get isn’t satisfying for very long.

I’ve talked about happiness in these articles, but what I mean is not a happiness that’s the opposite of unhappiness. That kind of happiness is always temporary and fickle. It’s here one minute and gone the next. Unhappiness is always lurking in the shadows. It comes in the form of worry that the thing we got will be gone, or we’ll get bored with it or it won’t deliver what we had pictured.

The kind of happiness I’m talking about is what you might also call inner joy, or contentment, or ease of life. I mean a general relaxation about life, where you notice that life has no problems; it’s all just an interesting adventure. The funny thing is, we don’t have to search for anything or get anything to have that kind of easy joy. We don’t have to search because that’s who we already are when we stop covering our essence with our inflated, ego-infected ideas of how the world should be.

When we let go of opinions and judgments and just see life as it unfolds, we’re like the child who just sees a fascinating world to explore. You don’t have to give a small child happiness. They’re happy naturally as long as they don’t have a physical problem, such as being hungry or needing to be changed. That same inner satisfaction and wonder for life is our nature also. It’s simply a matter of surrendering to life, just as it is.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

30. She got angry when she got no praise

I knew a woman once (we’ll call her Marie) who became angry and silent with her husband because he came home from work and didn’t notice she had washed and waxed the kitchen floor. You might think that’s a silly thing to be upset about but people do similar things all the time. It happens especially in dating relationships because we’re usually so hyper-sensitive to whether we’re being accepted and loved or not. And seniors in their 50s, 60s and beyond are no more immune than younger folks. In fact, I’ve seen that unless we question our programmed responses to life that programming will jerk us around until we die. Usually we’ve been programmed pretty early in life. The old tape plays and we don’t even know it’s been turned on.

We don’t know, that is, until we start paying attention to that unmistakable signal – we’re emotionally hurt. We know it by the pain in the shoulders, the hot feeling in the pit of the stomach, the knot in the gut. If Marie had known how to listen to that gut-wrenching sensation, she could have seen that her thoughts were the cause of her pain.

As she was feeling the disappointment and hurt she then might have stopped to question her belief that her husband should have noticed her shiny floor and praised her. She might have seen that his not noticing didn’t mean he didn’t care about her. She might have considered that perhaps he was tired. Or maybe he was worried because his annual review didn’t go well that day. The truth is, she wouldn’t need to know why he didn’t notice her clean floor but only that he didn’t notice. In simple terms, what happened was that he didn’t notice. You can accept it or fight it. Either way it doesn’t change.

But notice how painful it is when we believe our thoughts about a person or event and the world isn’t acting according to our beliefs. Seeing how much we hurt we might be more willing to question ourselves. In Marie’s case, let’s say she held the belief that her husband didn’t care about her because he didn’t notice the floor. That thought brings a lot of pain.

On the other hand, how would she feel if she questioned her belief that he didn’t care. She might see that she doesn’t know whether that’s true or not. What does life actually show? Do men sometimes not notice the gifts of women? Do women sometimes not notice the gifts of men? Sure. We’re all human. That’s the way life is, isn’t it? (See Article #19 again for Byron Katie’s method that could be used in this type of questioning.)

Do we really think that by getting mad at someone they’ll change and then we can be happy? That’s crazy isn’t it? The world and its people just do what they do. As long as we expect the world to make us happy we’re doomed. Happiness only comes from seeing that the world always does what it’s doing. When we let go of our opinions and judgments what’s left is just the natural wonder and awe of a child, watching this mystery of life unfold.

In this case, Marie was apparently expecting her husband to give her approval, instead of just approving of herself for a job well done. When he didn’t give it she felt cheated. Whether the issue is that your date didn’t hold the car door for you, or didn’t bring the flowers you expected or didn’t compliment you on your new dress, the disappointment always hurts when you expect something else. The question you can ask then is always the same: Is my interpretation of this correct? Do I know I’m absolutely right in my belief about this?

By investigating life we might understand that we’re not really controlling the show. We’re not in charge. When we believe life should be our way instead of the way it is, we suffer – always. The suffering may be in the form of jealousy, sadness, anger or whatever, but it’s there. It’s the warning bell, saying, “Your thinking is off track.” It’s like physical pain in your body, saying, “Time to see the doctor.” The suffer bell is saying, “Time to question your thoughts and beliefs.” If you do question, you might be surprised at the contentment and happiness you feel when you see “what is” and simply allow it to be that way. Then if you need to act you will. But you’ll do it with clarity and calm, not anger and hurt. “They” are never the cause of our suffering. It’s only always about us and our thoughts.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

29. Is your giving free, or do you want something back?

You’ve been in a long marriage and you know the ropes. You know that in a good relationship people do things for each other. Now you’re a senior in the dating world again and naturally you bring the pattern of your marriage into your life as you meet and mingle with potential partners. But often our idea of people doing things for each other forgets the freedom part. Instead of giving freely the giving looks like this: “I do this for you and you do that for me.” That even sounds fair doesn’t it? Good balance. But in order to keep a balance there has to be a list on one side balanced by a list on the other side.

That’s what many relationships are. They’re more like a business contract if you really examine them. The contract looks like this: “I’ll do this for you IF….” I’ll do this for you IF you go to the opera with me. I’ll do this for you IF you go to the company party with me. I won’t get mad at you IF you stay close to me at that party and don’t wander off and talk to other people. I’ll do this for you IF you go to my family functions during the holidays when I know you’d rather stay home.

I say relationships are usually about trading because there are few people who give love with no expectation of return. Love – real love - means no strings. It doesn’t mean “I do this for you and I expect something back.” You may expect just a smile, or a thank you. Or you may expect him to go with you to visit your grandkids. If you expect anything at all, it’s not love; it’s not freely given.

Instead, you’ve set up a contract. And the worst part is, your dating partner hasn’t even seen it or signed it. It’s a secret contract that only you know about. As you read this you may be saying, “I’d never do that; I don’t operate that way.” But if you look closely at some of the painful times in your relationship you might notice that an unmet expectation was the cause. You’re hurting because your partner hasn’t fulfilled his end of your secret bargain. How does that affect your relationship? Can’t you imagine your partner is chagrined when she finds out there were expectations she didn’t know about? If you think this doesn’t happen just recall how many times in life you’ve heard people say something like, “I went to (fill in the blank) and now he won’t even come to (fill in the blank).” Doesn’t add much happiness to your dating life does it?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

28. Without the freedom to leave you have no freedom to stay

If you could put that new guy or gal you’re dating in a cage would you do it? If you could cage them you’d always know where they were and they couldn’t get away from you. Of course you wouldn’t want that. But isn’t that what we’re doing, figuratively, when we try to control another with our jealousy and rage? We want to have power over them so we can be sure they’re always available to us. Our insecurities make us think we need to be in command of the person we’re dating.

But if we look deeper is that what we really want? If we really care for a person do we actually want them to stop living life the way they want and live life according to our wishes? Does that feel like love, or does it feel like manipulation? If we stop for just a minute to remember the feelings we’ve had when we feel trapped by a person, I think most people would say it’s not a good feeling. When someone is clinging to you don’t you feel smothered? Don’t you just want to get away?

Real love is always freedom. If we truly love someone we want for them what they want for themselves. It’s in freedom that people want to stay in a relationship, not when they’re being boxed in. If they don’t have the freedom to leave they don’t have the freedom to stay. It would be like saying, You have the freedom to eat but you don’t have the freedom to stop eating. Would you start eating? No, because you know you'd die. Look what happens to a pool of water when it has no outlet. A stream keeps feeding it but if it has no release the pool gets stagnant and dies. Or consider breathing… could you take in air without being able to let it out? It doesn’t work does it?

If you think you need to control someone by your jealousy you could ask yourself, Will she love me more when I try to restrict her freedom? Do I really need her to live her life my way instead of her own? Restriction isn’t love, it’s possession. And every possession contains within it the fear that you’ll lose it.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

27. Are you happily dating or tortured by turmoil?

The title of this blog is about making senior dating fun. “Fun” is a short word that works well in a headline. Better words might be something like “making senior dating pleasant” or “being happy as you date in these mature years”. What I’m really talking about is not “fun” as opposed to “not fun”; I really mean “fun” in the sense of being content and peaceful as you date, living with an inner joy or an ease that isn’t disturbed by what happens in your dating.

But the question is, How do we get to that place of contentment where we’re not bothered by the ups and downs of dating? Let’s just paint a scene here. Let’s say you wake up in the morning. For a few seconds you’re not quite aware where you are and thoughts of the world haven’t shown up yet. Then the thoughts come and you remember you had a disagreement with your lover. You’re immediately flooded with feelings of fear and unease. Shortly after, the phone rings and you get the news that you’re a grandmother for the first time, and you’re elated.

Did the fact of your disagreement and the fact of your new grandchild make you happy or unhappy? After all, those were facts before you thought about them. But they didn’t affect you until thoughts came in. It’s like that in life all the time. Certain thoughts show up and we’re happy, other thoughts show up and we’re unhappy. When we attach to those thoughts we’re always on a rollercoaster aren’t we? It happens a lot in the dating world because many of us have a strong desire to be successful in finding a partner. Especially as seniors we often don’t want to be alone in later years. So the stakes are high, thus the emotions are intense.

If you depend on the mind, it’ll always make you unhappy. Even when you feel happy there’s the fear that you’ll lose what’s making you happy and so even the happiness is tainted with a fear in the background. I know a woman who told me she’s always asking her lover, “Are we all right?” What she means is, Am I secure with you? Are you going to leave? That’s all just generated in thought.

Actually it’s not thoughts that are the problem. They come constantly without our consent. The problem is that we latch onto those thoughts and think they’re “my” thoughts. We act like they define us. But the thoughts change so frequently - and the feelings that go with them – that we have to wonder, Can I really hang my well-being on all these shifting thoughts? Without the thought who would we be? We might just be like the small child, aware and present, but without an interpretation and judgment about thoughts, just watching and witnessing life and noticing that most of the time life doesn’t even coincide with our thoughts. Want proof? Just think of all the things you worried about that never happened. Or just watch and see how your feelings go up and down because of thoughts. Do you really want to live that way? Be the witness and you don’t have to.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

26. Mature dating as carefree as a playful pup

You know that natural delight with life that you see in a playful pup or a cooing baby? As a senior in the dating world do you feel that natural delight? Probably not. But animals and small children live that all the time. It’s their nature, and it’s also our nature. But we usually don’t live in that freedom and inner joy. Why not?

The sages and mystics throughout the centuries have all said the same thing after awakening to the reality of life. The difference, they say, is that small children, under the age of two or so, don’t yet have that sense of “me”. Put them in front of a mirror and they don’t know the reflection there is their own image. So without a sense of “me” they don’t try to control and judge the world. They’re simply aware of the world, without really even knowing they’re aware. It’s simply total surrender to “what is”. But that’s even a wrong way to say it because there’s no sense of a “me” there to surrender. It’s just Isness, if you could say it that way.

I take a 3- or 4-mile walk most mornings, and this morning I saw some people stopped and talking to a neighbor. A dog on a leash was standing there, just waiting calmly. Another dog might be straining to move, but not because he’s unhappy, only because he’s curious and his nature is to explore. A lot of squirrels play in my back yard and they’re totally spontaneous. They jump here and there, sometimes playfully chasing each other at rocket speed, totally at ease with just being. They don’t even know they’re squirrels. They just are!

We “are” also, without even thinking about it. Without thought we know we exist, that we “are”. From that place we’re just simple presence or awareness, like an animal or a small child. But we’ve taken on a “me” identity, and with that we’ve also assumed that we know how the world should be working and what people should be doing. What we don’t seem to notice, and the mystics have always pointed out, is that what we think about the workings of people and the world has nothing to do with how it really is. We think our date should be nice to us when they’re not. Well, guess what? Reality always wins – they weren’t nice. That’s it. If we want to argue with that we’ll be miserable. If we want to simply see it as the way life is sometimes we’ll be spontaneously happy, like a small child.

Then from that freedom we might ask them to be nicer but we’re just asking. We’re not trying to change them so we’ll be happy. We can ask and if they don’t agree we can just let them be who they are while we move on to other things. It’s really simple when we get rid of the idea that “I’m a separate entity that has some control” and “I know how life should be”. We’re not in control. We can see “what is as it is” and be joyful. Or we can think “we” know best, and fight and argue and be in pain.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer