294. We shape our dating life like cookies from a cookie press

When you see a star-shaped cookie you know it’s been made with a cookie press. A lump of dough is placed in the back end of a tube, then squeezed out through a disk pattern in the front end that shapes it into a star to be baked as a cookie. The original lump of dough looks entirely different after it goes through the shaping disk of the press.

That’s how most of us deal with what we experience in life much of the time. We innocently and unconsciously shape it into a pattern, based on our own beliefs, without realizing that we’re no longer dealing with the fact of a situation. Our self-shaped story is painful to us because it argues with the facts. We’ve pressed “what is” through our cookie press.

For example, a friend of mine, in her 60s, told me recently that a man she’d been dating suddenly stopped calling. When she called him and left a message he didn’t respond. Immediately she began to feel that he wasn’t interested and that she was unworthy and had failed again as a desirable woman. She had shaped her own story and was no longer dealing with reality, which is that the man hadn’t called or responded to her calls.

Without realizing it she had put his action of not calling through her cookie press and it came out as “He doesn’t want to talk to me so I must not be okay.” But she didn’t know that for sure. Maybe instead he was injured and hospitalized, maybe he was sick, maybe he had a family emergency and had to suddenly leave town.

Even if she could confirm that he wasn’t interested in her any more does that need to be painful for her unless she puts that thought through her cookie press and comes out with an “unworthy cookie” story? Where does that “unworthy” idea come from except her own belief – her own self-created story? He could even say, “You’re not worthy of me,” and so what? That would be his perception, and he has a right to it. But if you push it through your cookie press and believe it means you’re worthless you’re now hurting because of your own fantasy. You’re no longer dealing with reality.

The mind is a wonderful slave but a terrible master. Every emotional pain we ever have occurs because we put facts through our cookie press and believe what comes out the other end. We forget that the star cookie isn’t really a star, it’s cookie dough.

This is why the sages have consistently said, “You’re not in the world; the world is in you.” We each create our own world, pressed out through our own cookie presses. If you want to live more happily and have more fun in these mature dating years just notice when you’re hurting emotionally – feeling disappointed, empty, worthless, jealous, angry. Then ask yourself, “Where have I taken what’s real and shaped it into my story?” It’s always the story that makes us hurt because it’s not true.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

292. A love companion can never fill your emotional void or make you happy

Some years ago I dated a woman for a short time who was very successful in her career but she admitted that when it came to relationships she always ended up choosing the same kind of person and it was a disaster. On the outside her two husbands and other committed dating companions she had had were quite different. But on the inside, it turned out, they were pretty much the same. They all filled a hole in her for a short time but eventually the game was up and things flew apart.

Until we understand that always the primary relationship we have is with ourselves, we’ll be looking for another person to complete our lives or make us whole and we’ll never be happy. Successful relationships don’t work that way. Unless we bring a healthy, happy emotional grounding to any relationship we’re always going to be victims of that person we choose.

We end up manipulating our partner or date because we think we need to keep them in place so they’ll continue to give us what we lack. If they don’t show love in the way we think they should, for instance, we get scared. That fear can turn to anger with our partner for betraying us. Or we may find we’re bending ourselves into a pretzel to do everything we think our partner wants so we won’t be abandoned. Both are just different forms of manipulation. And of course it pushes your partner away because you’re expecting them to do your job, which is to make yourself happy.

What it comes down to is that we attract to ourselves the kind of person who fills the hole in us. For example, if we’re needy we attract a care-taker. If we’re controlling we attract a pushover. It’s simply the nature of how life works, this time showing up in relationships: you can’t have up without down or in without out. And you can’t have needy without a care-taker. But the care-taker and the pushover can only exist in that environment for so long, then all hell breaks loose when they can’t stand their roles any more.

Then the needy, or controlling, or care-taking one moves on to the next date or partner and the cycle repeats, complete with all its pain. Seeing it this way it’s clear that relationship problems aren’t ever about “them.” Any emotional hurt we ever feel is always about us. That’s why we get such a huge payoff when we’re willing to look honestly at the realities of life and question our beliefs. If we’re needy we can look to see if it’s true that we can’t take care of ourselves. If we’re a controller is it true we need to control so we won’t feel fearful and insecure? One question you might ask, for example, is this: Is there security in this world?

If you’re a person who seems to end up with the same kind of problem in virtually every romantic relationship you have, you can stop all the pain by just turning inside rather than jumping to someone outside to make you feel good. Find out the truth of who you are and stop telling yourself the lies that keep you victimized. Finding someone to fill your emotional holes just ain’t never gonna work!

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

287. When you’re in pain over dating you’re believing thoughts that aren’t true

In dating, when we’re hurting it’s because we think the other person did something bad to us and we have no control. Naturally we feel victimized and helpless. For example we believe thoughts like, “He doesn’t care because he doesn’t really listen to me.” “She should return my phone calls.” “He should do something special to show his love for me.” With those thoughts we hurt.

Over the centuries, however, those wise ones who live peaceful, happy lives remind us that thoughts aren’t believable. We don’t ask for them. They just appear. But we believe them as though we had created them and own them. Worry is a good example that we’ve all experienced intimately. Worry is nothing but a consistent thought about an imagined future we think would hurt us. In your own experience how many times have your worries actually materialized? Probably almost never. Yet we worry over and over. Even after we’ve been tricked again and again by our thoughts why is it that we continue to believe them?

Our thoughts about dating trick us in the same way. Whenever you’re hurting about your dating relationships it always works to look at what you’re thinking, because emotional suffering follows thoughts. What do you believe about the situation or your date/partner? Are you sure you’re believing what’s real or is it possible you’re believing a story you’ve made up?

Let’s say you think your date should return your phone calls. That’s a story. Should she when she doesn’t? You hurt because you think she should be giving you what she’s not giving you. Do you know for sure she should be doing what you want? Is your happiness her job? Reality is that she should not be returning your phone calls because she isn’t. That’s the fact without your story.

To believe you know what your partner or date should do is pretty crazy. Actually you know what they should do by watching what they do – period. Reality doesn’t hurt, only our beliefs and stories about it hurt. People are who they are and they do what they do. If you don’t see that just watch. In the end isn’t it we who create our own pain by deciding our partner should be different?

When we believe thoughts like these we’ve built a prison for ourselves and locked ourselves in it. We’re victims, thinking other people are controlling how we feel. But are your thoughts actually telling you what’s real? Are they worth believing? Or have you latched onto a fantasy that just looks real, like worry looks real?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

271. If you’re hurting it may be a case of mistaken identity

In mature dating, any time we’re hurting emotionally because of what someone else says or does we’ve got a case of mistaken identity. We’ve identified ourselves as a person who needs someone to be a certain way for us to be happy. By our thoughts we’ve taken on the identity of a victim.

But is our belief really true? Do we really need another person to be different so we can be happy? Let’s say Sid and Janie are in a committed relationship and Janie says she’s pulling out. Sid is crushed and suffers for months. He feels if only Janie would come back he could be happy again.

But is that true? Reality shows us that after a time Sid gets over his pain and begins to happily date other women again and move on with his life. Janie didn’t come back and yet Sid is happy. So his sadness or happiness couldn’t have had anything to do with Janie. It was within himself, in his own thoughts and beliefs. Any time we argue with reality we hurt. See reality as just the way life is and suffering ends. In the end Sid may realize how lucky he is that the relationship with Janie ended because he now sees they weren’t meant for each other. He just thought they were.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

264. She suffered because she thought her friend should want what he didn’t want

It’s so easy – and we’re so conditioned – to think that if we can just get circumstances to change we’ll be happier. But no matter how upset we get, that’s nearly always hopeless because life is what it is. For example, today I was talking with a woman who had asked for help in sorting out some painful things in her life. I had suggested she try using the method called The Work that was introduced by Byron Katie (www.TheWork.com).

This woman, that I’ll call Kathryn, had written that she felt hurt and angry because a man she had a relationship with only wanted sex from her. She thought he should respect and honor her by wanting more than just sex.

Questioning those thoughts and beliefs helped her get some clarity. When I asked her if it was true he should be different from the way he was she was quite quickly able to see that it wasn’t true. He should be who he is, just as she is who she is. How could he want what he doesn’t want? Kathryn thought she was suffering because this guy wanted only sex from her. But as she unraveled the truth, with the help of some questions, she was able to see that her suffering really was because she thought this man should be different. It wasn't about him after all, it was about her.

When I asked how she felt when she held to the belief that he should want something he doesn’t want her answer was that she felt demeaned, and that gave her a stomach ache. Asked how she felt without that belief her answer was: Peaceful. Any time we suffer emotionally it’s only because we’re resisting what is. It could only be that, because just observing reality without a judgment can’t have any pain in it. It’s when we think it should be our way rather than the way it is that we hurt.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

263. Loneliness doesn’t exist except as a thought we believe in

Single seniors and mature men and women often feel lonely. It feels like we’re lonely because we have no partner in our lives. We think if the external world would change and give us a partner we wouldn’t need to feel lonely any more. But the external world is all our own projection. It’s like a mirror. You can’t look into a mirror without seeing your own reflection. It’s impossible.

In exactly the same way you can’t look into the world without seeing your own reflection because you project onto the world what your thoughts are about it. Two people can listen to the same music and one likes it, the other dislikes it. Obviously the music was just a fact. Our perception and projection is what makes it good or bad for us.

Back to loneliness, if we think we should be with someone we’re lonely. If we don’t think that’s necessary we’re not lonely. It’s all about believing our thoughts, and that’s where inquiry comes in. When you look at reality you see that you don’t have a partner. Should you? Do you know more than God? Obviously right now you don’t need a partner or you’d have one. Are you absolutely sure you should have a partner and that you wouldn’t be lonely if you did? In my first marriage I was lonely, and I’m not the only one who has experienced loneliness while having a partner.

There are more than six billion people on this planet. Is loneliness really a problem or is it just thinking that’s the problem? You can argue with “what is” but you can’t win. You can’t even be sure you’d be better off if you did win!

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

233. Stop giving yourself up in mature dating by seeing life as it really is

Any time we expect someone else to make us happy we’re going to suffer. When we think our partner is responsible for our happiness we often give ourselves up to that person so they’ll give us what we think we need. We make an unspoken bargain with them – I’ll give you this so I can have that. And what we expect from them they can never deliver because we’re the decider of what happiness is at any moment. Since that’s true how could someone else ever make us happy?

I know of a situation where a man brought his wife eggs and toast and she responded with: “Why do you give me eggs on a dinky, little plate like this?” Someone else, of course, would be happy that her husband was so thoughtful. Clearly, it wasn’t the action that made this woman unhappy. It was her thoughts and beliefs at the moment. Happiness never has anything to do with someone else.

Often we’re operating under two misconceptions in romantic relationships. First, we believe our partners can make us happy, and second we believe we have to manipulate them to get what we believe only they can give. But are those beliefs true? Just as someone else’s words can’t hurt us unless we choose to feel hurt, someone’s words and actions can’t make us happy unless we choose it.

I talked with a woman recently who told me she’s learning – in her mid-60s – “not to give myself away while I’m dating.” She has seen that she’s sometimes dishonest with herself and gives in to things she doesn’t want so she can get the love she think she needs. Then she doesn’t like herself very much of course.

Giving ourselves away isn’t self-love. No wonder we think we need to have someone else give us love. Since we’re not giving it to ourselves where else will we get it? Seeing it this way it may be clearer that we love ourselves when we stop long enough to see what’s true. Seeing life as it is, is seeing reality. It’s when we think it should be our way and we try to manipulate and control things to get our way that we suffer. If you don’t win the love and approval of the person you thought would give that to you, have you lost anything? No, that’s the way things are.

You can never win when you argue with reality. After all, do we really, really know things should be our way rather than the way they are? How do we deal with it when we see that we’re resisting what is? By investigating, asking some questions, looking inside: “Is it true I need love from any other person?” What price am I paying when I bargain and give in because I believe that thought?”

The most important relationship we’ll ever have is our relationship with our own thoughts and beliefs. They’re the single cause of our psychological suffering, and seeing through them to the reality that is, is the only way to end that suffering. Living with our stories – those thoughts and beliefs – will kill happiness and kill relationships because our stories and fairy tales cause us to be dishonest, manipulative and controlling. No relationship can happily thrive under those conditions.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

232. Look and truly see… do you really need their approval?

When we’re children we learn to define ourselves by what other people think of us. We get praise from parents, teachers and other authorities when we do what they want. And we get criticized when we don’t.

Unfortunately as grownups, even in our 50s, 60s and beyond, we’re still trying to get others to approve of us, especially when we’re meeting and dating. “Will he like my hair?” “Is this color too bright?” "What if she’s dressed up and I’m wearing jeans?” “Gosh, maybe I shouldn’t have let her know I’m not always the confident guy I may appear to be.” It’s as though we’re saying to everyone, “Please like me so I can think I’m okay. Don’t disapprove of me because then I’m worthless.” That sounds like a silly exaggeration doesn’t it? But take a real look, if you’re interested.

Living with the need for approval takes so much energy and is so stressful. Worse, when we need approval so badly we can’t be our natural selves, so the person we’re with never gets to see the real “me”. We’re working so hard at doing it right that we’re being phony – sometimes so phony we hate ourselves later for giving in to what we didn’t want just to get approval.

While it’s easy to see how we got into the habit of thinking we need approval, it’s also easier than you might think to break it. All you need to do is question that habitual belief. If you look into it deeply you’ll probably see that what someone thinks of you has nothing to do with what you think of yourself. That is, unless you believe it matters. It’s all your own belief. You need someone’s approval, is that true?

I’ll throw in a little warning here: People often hear that investigating and seeing reality is the whole answer and they say, “Aw, it couldn’t be that simple.” If you’re thinking that I invite you to give it a try. Honestly look deep into the matter and see what’s really true for you.

Without that old belief think how much lighter and easier life would be. You’d just move smoothly and spontaneously through life, taking what comes, including anyone’s opinion about you. After all, they have a right to their opinions. And for them their opinions are right. But those opinions have nothing – not one thing – to do with you. If you really examine that carefully and see through the myth you’ve believed all your life it’ll be hard to be concerned about what anyone else thinks. You’re free then, and dating can be just a fun adventure.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

223. Relationships can’t have a problem, only you can

Mature dating can be a great teacher. It often forces us to look at things we might have overlooked because it brings up painful feelings we can’t ignore. Years ago I was in a relationship that wasn’t working, yet my partner wasn’t willing to get any help to improve it. At the time I had no idea I could get help without her. So I lived in what I thought was a painful relationship.

I’ve since seen that no relationship ever has a problem because “relationship” isn’t a thing. It’s a word describing how two people get along. So any problem can only be within one or both of the people. If you’ve got a problem relationship and you’re hurting, you’re the one who has a problem. The proof is that you’re hurting. Your partner may be hurting too but you can’t do anything about that.

We’ve grown up learning to judge and blame, and that’s especially our tendency in relationships. When we do that, however, we’re victims of our own thinking. We’re saying, “If my partner would change I could be happy.” That’s not only hopeless but even if there is a change, something else will always come along and you’ll see yourself as a victim again. Without blaming and judging you get another picture, however. When you don’t put the onus on someone else you simply see life as it is: Your partner is doing what they’re doing and you’re deciding it should be different and making yourself hurt.

Now there’s some clarity. Since everyone has a right to be who they are, just as we do, do we really need them to change? No. We can either choose to stay and accept them as they are or leave. Neither choice has anything to do with our partner. We can ask them to change a behavior and whether they do it or not is their choice. In simple terms, our problem is always our stuff! Only we are ever responsible for our feelings. What our partners do is none of our business.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

209. Do you really want to tie your happiness to what he does?

Happiness is that elusive feeling that, try as we might, we can’t seem to pin down and keep around all the time. For most of us it comes and goes, depending on what we’re experiencing in the world. At least it seems that way. So if we get that phone call from the guy we met for coffee last week, we’re happy. If not, we may feel disappointed and gloomy. When we look, though, it’s pretty easy to see why happiness isn’t consistent in our lives. When we tie our happiness to outside events and other people we’ll always be a victim. We’re saying, “You’re the one who gets to decide if I’m happy or not.” Of course they don’t always consistently do what we want, so we’re jerked up and down. Not a fun way to live.

There’s another way to live in this mature dating world, however. It starts with seeing the truth of life. The truth is if another person could make us happy then whenever we’re with that person we’d be happy wouldn’t we? If we marry them we’re happy for life, with that kind of thinking. Well, we all know that just ain’t true. Divorce courts are filled with people who once thought their partners would make them happy for life and now can’t stand to be in the same room with them.

Happiness just doesn’t come from “out there”. The same event can make one person happy and not another. I could go to a heavy metal band performance where lots of people are thrilled and even stand in line and pay big bucks to get admitted. Me?... I’d be trying to find the exit door. So it’s pretty clear that happiness doesn’t come from out there. That’s an illusion. It comes from in here; it’s our projection. It’s like the light from the moon. It doesn’t come from the moon even though it looks that way. That too is an illusion. The truth or reality is that the light of the moon is a reflection.

Our happiness is always a reflection of our own feelings projected onto an event or another person. Every moment of happiness we’ve ever felt in our lives emanated from inside us. It flows from us, not to us. The reason we’re not happy all the time is that we manufacture opinions and judgments about how things should be. These judgments flow from inside us also. They have nothing to do with the reality of life as it shows up. We think we know how life should be and that’s another illusion. What’s true is that our natural state has nothing to do with judgments. It’s simply the state of being or presence, and that presence observes life without thinking it needs to change. Peace, happiness, and love are natural feeling that are always there when we stop trying to force our will on life.

So in practical terms how do we apply this to our example of the guy not calling after you’ve met for coffee? Like this: Without believing our thoughts we just see that life happens. If you don’t think you know what’s best – that he should have called or you want him to call – you just see reality as it is. If you wonder about this ask yourself: Do I really, absolutely, know what should happen?

You’ll probably immediately notice the calm peacefulness of your real nature when you just see what is. The space that exists because he didn’t call is now available for whatever else the universe will provide. What could it be? The mystery of life continues to unfold its own way with or without our opinion. Does it make more sense to take this false, self-centered “me” opinion out of the picture and just enjoy reality as it is? Without our judgments we might be clear to see that life’s natural beauty and perfect unfolding IS the happiness we’ve been seeking. What can be wrong about life without our thoughts about it?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

199. She said yes when she wanted to say no, adding monumental stress to her mature dating

Some years ago I read two books, popular at that time, about how to say no in any relationship. One title was How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty or something like that. A couple of days ago I read an article online about ways to say no in personal and business dealings. Obviously saying no is not easy for many of us, and sometimes that becomes painfully apparent as we date in our mature or senior years.

My late wife, a woman I greatly respected, admired, and loved was one of those who had a really tough time saying no. Being what I call “too nice” caused her to sometimes be taken advantage of by peers and co-workers. Last week I had an extensive conversation with LeeAnne, a friend of mine who was suffering from the same problem. And I do mean she was suffering. This woman, in her mid-60s, had begun to realize that all her life she had agreed to things she had actually wanted to say no to, but hadn’t known how. The issue came to light again recently because she was seeing a man who was constantly asking her to attend events and weekends away when she felt she didn’t know him that well and wanted to move more slowly.

She agonized every time another request came because, she said, “I don’t know how to say no.” Because she had told me she really wanted to explore this habit and deal with it, we began to talk about the importance of living her truth. One thing she was sure of was that she wound up feeling trapped into doing many things she didn’t want to do. When I asked her if it was true she couldn’t say no she realized, for the first time, what a trap she had set for herself by believing that. It’s not true that she couldn’t form the word no in her mouth and let the sound come out, she realized. So then the statement had to become, “I don’t want to say no.”

Many people have trouble saying no because they think they need approval from others. It turns out that’s pretty common, and it was true for LeeAnne as she looked more deeply into that pattern in her life. She wanted this new man in her life to think she was a nice person. Also, she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, she said.

As she explored the price she was paying for not saying no, however, she realized it was astronomical. She had all kinds of stories to support her “can’t say no” habit and it was taking a toll on her. A few days after our conversation and her exploration of the truth for herself another request came from the same man, to go away for several days. And yesterday I got an email from her explaining that her new stance about being more self-assertive was working. “Yes, the no word is taking shape,” she wrote. “It is telling the truth and the story stops there. No pretending or extending. I like the way it feels.”

She had realized that not saying no had created suffering for her that snowballed – to use her word. Not only did she extend a lot of energy trying to find excuses to allow her to say no – or worse, to back out of what she had already agreed to – but she also suffered from the guilt she felt for lying and the embarrassment from knowing the other person probably knew she was lying. Sometimes her search for excuses would take days or even weeks of thought, energy, and planning as she concocted “reasons” why she couldn’t follow through on something she had committed to. All this when a simple “no, thank you” would have stated the truth.

Once we’ve seen what’s true for us, acting on that is a natural follow-on. But seeing the truth – that’s what we usually haven’t been taught how to investigate. The answer is to simply ask ourselves a few simple questions: Is it true I really can’t say the word no? Is it true I have the power to hurt anyone’s feelings, or do they choose to feel hurt when they don’t get what they want from me? Is it true I need approval or anything else from this person who’s asking me to do what feels stressful for me? Would a simple “no, thank you” work, with no explanation unless I feel like offering one?

And to see what your not saying no has cost you try this powerful question: “How would I feel if I just told the truth?” Forget what you think the other person may feel for a moment. Your immediate sense of relief may be all the answer you need. What I’ve learned is that truth is freedom for me. No guilt, no shame, no stress and no regrets. Life is good. LeeAnne seems to be finding that too.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer