285. You can’t let go of painful thoughts but question them and you can end the hurt

Let’s say Laurie is at a party with Dale and she sees him talking and laughing with another woman. Without a judgmental thought about it Laurie can be happy that Dale is having a good time. But often we don’t see things just as they are. We see them as we think they are and form judgments: “That’s not right; that’s rude, he shouldn’t be flirting like that,” and on and on our stories go. With those thoughts comes pain. Emotional suffering always comes only from thought, never from a situation, object or person. It’s always what we think about the situation or person that makes us hurt.

So it would appear that to get rid of our pain we have to get rid of thinking wouldn’t it? But no one has ever been able to control thoughts. You can’t get rid of them. They come and go on their own. If we could let go of thoughts we’d all have done it when they started instead of suffering for days, months or years about something.

We can’t let go of thoughts but we can question them to see what’s true. And when we understand life as it is instead of getting locked into our stories of how it should be, thoughts let go of us. They were never real in the first place. They only appear to be real because we believe them. Is it true Dale shouldn’t be having a nice time with a woman? It may look like flirting but do we know he’s not just being friendly? Even if Dale is flirting is it true he shouldn’t be? Do we know for sure how he should be living his life? Is it true that Dale’s actions can threaten Laurie? If there’s no threat would there be any reason to judge him?

Once we see what is, without our interpretations, analyses, opinions, and judgments, suffering is gone. It’s that simple. All it takes is investigating our thoughts to see what’s true so we can live in joy and harmony with things as they are.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

281. We don't "need" love when we discover that feeling loved is an inside job

We hear all the time that we have to love ourselves before we can love others. Or that we don’t need love from others when we truly love ourselves. The problem is, how do we truly love ourselves? Most people find that the way they try to get love from themselves is the same way they try to get love from others – by manipulation. When we try hard to give others what we think they want – to get their love through flattery and deceit – we’re manipulating. We’ve also made ourselves victims, waiting for someone else to make us feel happy and loved.

When we try to give ourselves what we think we want we’re also victims, hoping something we do will make us feel acceptable and worthy. You can take all the cruise trips you want, and soak in a perfumed tub with flowers and candles, but those methods of manipulation don’t do anything for self-love. Loving ourselves isn’t doing something, it’s being something. And what we’re being when we love ourselves is a spontaneously peaceful, happy person, content with life. Self-love and simple being in life are what’s always been there when we see through our self-loathing.

So, how do we love ourselves? We question our beliefs to see reality without our painful stories. At first that may pose a seeming problem because the things we don’t like about ourselves are the things we don’t want to look at. But that’s because we think when we recall what we loathe about ourselves we’ll just be reinforcing self-hatred. “Look at this terrible thing I did, and think about that cruel thing I said. Obviously I’m a terrible person.” We don’t want to think that.

But there’s a way to look at our past and see that it’s not something to regret and hate ourselves over. What blocks us from loving other people is judgment, and it’s the same with ourselves. We judge ourselves by believing our thoughts about how bad we’ve been. Then we’ve trapped ourselves into trying to find someone to love us so we can feel worthy. Of course it never works. Who’s going to love you when you, yourself, think you’re unlovable? That’s what you project. No, self-love is an inside job, not an outside job. And we’ll never see that unless we’re willing to question our beliefs and thoughts about ourselves.

What do we regret having done? Are we willing to look? Did we do the best we could at the time? Is it true we really wanted to hurt someone? Or is it more true that we were so hurt and confused that we lashed out as the only defense we knew then, the only survival technique we thought was available at the moment?

After we’ve questioned our long-held beliefs, and when we see that they’re not true, what’s left automatically is self-love. We don’t have to do anything to gain love. It’s what we are naturally, just as a light shines naturally when we clean the mud and dirt off the bulb.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer