233. Stop giving yourself up in mature dating by seeing life as it really is

Any time we expect someone else to make us happy we’re going to suffer. When we think our partner is responsible for our happiness we often give ourselves up to that person so they’ll give us what we think we need. We make an unspoken bargain with them – I’ll give you this so I can have that. And what we expect from them they can never deliver because we’re the decider of what happiness is at any moment. Since that’s true how could someone else ever make us happy?

I know of a situation where a man brought his wife eggs and toast and she responded with: “Why do you give me eggs on a dinky, little plate like this?” Someone else, of course, would be happy that her husband was so thoughtful. Clearly, it wasn’t the action that made this woman unhappy. It was her thoughts and beliefs at the moment. Happiness never has anything to do with someone else.

Often we’re operating under two misconceptions in romantic relationships. First, we believe our partners can make us happy, and second we believe we have to manipulate them to get what we believe only they can give. But are those beliefs true? Just as someone else’s words can’t hurt us unless we choose to feel hurt, someone’s words and actions can’t make us happy unless we choose it.

I talked with a woman recently who told me she’s learning – in her mid-60s – “not to give myself away while I’m dating.” She has seen that she’s sometimes dishonest with herself and gives in to things she doesn’t want so she can get the love she think she needs. Then she doesn’t like herself very much of course.

Giving ourselves away isn’t self-love. No wonder we think we need to have someone else give us love. Since we’re not giving it to ourselves where else will we get it? Seeing it this way it may be clearer that we love ourselves when we stop long enough to see what’s true. Seeing life as it is, is seeing reality. It’s when we think it should be our way and we try to manipulate and control things to get our way that we suffer. If you don’t win the love and approval of the person you thought would give that to you, have you lost anything? No, that’s the way things are.

You can never win when you argue with reality. After all, do we really, really know things should be our way rather than the way they are? How do we deal with it when we see that we’re resisting what is? By investigating, asking some questions, looking inside: “Is it true I need love from any other person?” What price am I paying when I bargain and give in because I believe that thought?”

The most important relationship we’ll ever have is our relationship with our own thoughts and beliefs. They’re the single cause of our psychological suffering, and seeing through them to the reality that is, is the only way to end that suffering. Living with our stories – those thoughts and beliefs – will kill happiness and kill relationships because our stories and fairy tales cause us to be dishonest, manipulative and controlling. No relationship can happily thrive under those conditions.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

232. Look and truly see… do you really need their approval?

When we’re children we learn to define ourselves by what other people think of us. We get praise from parents, teachers and other authorities when we do what they want. And we get criticized when we don’t.

Unfortunately as grownups, even in our 50s, 60s and beyond, we’re still trying to get others to approve of us, especially when we’re meeting and dating. “Will he like my hair?” “Is this color too bright?” "What if she’s dressed up and I’m wearing jeans?” “Gosh, maybe I shouldn’t have let her know I’m not always the confident guy I may appear to be.” It’s as though we’re saying to everyone, “Please like me so I can think I’m okay. Don’t disapprove of me because then I’m worthless.” That sounds like a silly exaggeration doesn’t it? But take a real look, if you’re interested.

Living with the need for approval takes so much energy and is so stressful. Worse, when we need approval so badly we can’t be our natural selves, so the person we’re with never gets to see the real “me”. We’re working so hard at doing it right that we’re being phony – sometimes so phony we hate ourselves later for giving in to what we didn’t want just to get approval.

While it’s easy to see how we got into the habit of thinking we need approval, it’s also easier than you might think to break it. All you need to do is question that habitual belief. If you look into it deeply you’ll probably see that what someone thinks of you has nothing to do with what you think of yourself. That is, unless you believe it matters. It’s all your own belief. You need someone’s approval, is that true?

I’ll throw in a little warning here: People often hear that investigating and seeing reality is the whole answer and they say, “Aw, it couldn’t be that simple.” If you’re thinking that I invite you to give it a try. Honestly look deep into the matter and see what’s really true for you.

Without that old belief think how much lighter and easier life would be. You’d just move smoothly and spontaneously through life, taking what comes, including anyone’s opinion about you. After all, they have a right to their opinions. And for them their opinions are right. But those opinions have nothing – not one thing – to do with you. If you really examine that carefully and see through the myth you’ve believed all your life it’ll be hard to be concerned about what anyone else thinks. You’re free then, and dating can be just a fun adventure.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

231. Dating is painful when we believe our stories instead of seeing the truth

When dating or relationships cause us pain – and they often do – we usually feel sure that the source of that pain is the other person. “If he hadn’t…” “If she would only…” We can nearly always point at our date or partner as the reason why we’re hurting. After all, “He’s the one who lied to me,” or “She’s the one who secretly dated other guys.” So it goes against everything we know to hear that the only source of our emotional suffering – ever – is that we argue with reality. We think “what is” should be different. And the problem is, it isn’t different.

But let’s investigate life a bit and see what’s real. We say, “Jane shouldn’t have cheated on me.” But reality is that Jane did what she did and we label it cheating. Trying to argue with that or make Jane wrong is just asking for a lot of pain. The way life actually is, people sometimes cheat. Have you ever cheated in your life? That’s the way it is. That’s reality.

When we try to play God and say it shouldn’t be that way we’re going to hurt. Yes, I know, it’s easy to say that any good person would agree that Jane shouldn’t have cheated on you. That’s the way most of us have been taught to believe. But belief in a lie doesn’t make it the truth. The truth is that people cheat and in this case Jane cheated. “Cheating” is the story or label we’ve attached to her actions. And that story may not even be true.

Can you say she shouldn’t have dated someone else? What’s the reality? She did, right? Can you say it shouldn’t have rained today. What’s the reality? It did. Without adding our story that’s just what happened, and since the power that shows up as this world seems a lot more intelligent than we are maybe we could just trust that it knows what it’s doing. Seeing reality without adding our story isn’t painful. It’s just seeing reality, like seeing the sun.

It’s when we argue with reality that we suffer psychologically. Put another way, it’s our judgments that life should be our way that cause us pain. Yet, if you notice, no amount of judging you’ve ever done has ever changed what is. Any judgment that makes reality wrong and wants it to be different causes us stress because it’s a lie that opposes the way things are. Seeing without judgment goes along with the way things are, and we’re content and peaceful.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

230. “Futurizing” isn’t a word but it creates lots of stress in mature dating

There’s no word in our dictionaries yet called “futurize” but there should be, I think. Futurizing would describe the habit of fixating on the future, usually with a great deal of concern and stress.In the past I did a lot of futurizing so I know what it feels like from experience. I’d focus on thoughts such as: “When I meet this woman will there be a spark?” “She’s a city person and I’d prefer the country so would we ever be able to live together?” “What if I don’t find a partner and I’m alone for the rest of my life?” There were hundreds of these thoughts I’d snowball into worry and concern.

Then I came upon the teachings of spiritual masters who pointed the way to a clear understanding of life. When I saw that the nature of life is just to be as it is, and that humans are part of that nature, I realized I have nothing to do with “my” future. Ah, all of a sudden I could just relax, knowing the future will be what it is and I don’t have to make anything happen or even wish for anything in particular.

I realized that I’m not breathing myself and that thoughts aren’t mine, they just come. Seeing that I’m being lived simply meant I could be fully in this moment, enjoying the only time there is (this moment), and watching the future roll out before me, including everything about meeting, dating and mating.

Next time you find yourself spending a lot of stressful energy on thoughts and beliefs about your future you might just notice that futurizing is nothing but a bad habit that’s usually not fun. Happiness and peace is letting thoughts about the future float right on by because they won’t make a whit of difference to what will actually happen anyway.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

229. A love like this lights up the whole sky

A friend of mine was asking what I meant when I said in my article #226 that most people in romantic relationships don’t love, they want something. She cited the example of her marriage of more than 30 years until her husband died and said it was a very loving marriage. Yet she and her husband had times of anger where they didn’t speak to each other for several days or longer, she said. “But just because of those times how could you say we didn’t have love?” she asked me.

My response was that any action we take in a relationship that’s designed to control the other person’s behavior isn’t love, its manipulation. We want our partner to change. In the case of anger we’re saying, “I’m going to make you hurt bad enough so you won’t do that again.” Whether our action is in the form of withdrawal or sharp words to punish, or being extra-nice, if our action aims at getting our partner to do what we want or stop doing what we don’t want, it’s not love. On the other hand, we’re happy to love when things are going our way.

We each know when our love isn’t pure or genuine – when we’re doing something we don’t really want to do so we can get something back. And our partner and the world knows it when we show our anger or disappointment when the reward we expected doesn’t come. Have you ever heard anyone say something like, “I went to the symphony with her but now she won’t even come to the races with me.”? Well, there you have it!

Hafiz, a great Persian spiritual poet of the 1300s wrote, “Even after all this time the sun does not say to the earth, ‘You owe me.’ Look what happens with a love like that. It lights up the whole sky.”

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer