290. There can’t be happy dating without hurtful dating -- until we stop judging and comparing

We live in a world of twos – duality. It couldn’t be any other way. There can’t be up without down, joy without sorrow, peace without stress. We couldn’t say anything about an object if there was nothing to compare it to because, in effect, it wouldn’t exist. If there was tree, for example, and there wasn’t something you could call “not tree” then everything would be tree and we wouldn’t know tree at all. In fact, without something separate from tree there couldn’t even be space or a human to live in it.

So duality is a given in the world. The emotional pain in dating life comes when we take sides in the duality. This is better than that. Taking sides and judging is what the mind does best. It’s always making a comparison and judging: This should be and that should not be.

But let’s look at the belief we have that causes us to suffer so much. Are we really so certain of what should be? We’ve learned from other people that certain things should happen but do we know for sure? I’ll bet you can think of times when you’ve been so very certain and then later changed your mind. Maybe a relationship ended and you were so certain this was absolutely the right person for you, and you were crushed. Months or years later you say, “I’m so glad that ended. If it hadn’t I wouldn’t have met my true love” or “…I see now that I’d have been miserable,” etc.

Yet even with the proof of personal experience, showing us without doubt that our “certainty” was a sham, we still seem so certain that things should be our way rather than the way they are. Mary was rude to you. Tim stood you up. Harry took advantage of you. Gerry lied. None of them should be that way, we say.

But when you don’t argue with reality you see that Mary, Tim, Harry, and Gerry were being who they were. There have to be some liars and rude people so there can be honest and well-mannered people. One couldn’t exist without the other and who is to say we shouldn’t connect with some of them? You shouldn’t get a flat tire or cancer either but it happens. That’s reality.

Life is and it shows up as everything, including people we think are right and wrong. With clarity – seeing life as it actually is – we don’t need to compare one thing with another, and then judge how things should be in our dating life. When we witness the happening of our dating with interest and curiosity, and without an opinion, dating is peaceful and fun. Remember what Jesus said? “The kingdom of heaven is within you!” In their own words every sage has said the same thing.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

286. Questioning your thoughts may seem too simple to end mature dating pain – but it works!

When I speak of questioning your thoughts to end the turmoil, desperation and pain that can come with mature dating I understand it’s easy to discount the idea. The one complaint from people is that this is too simple. We’re conditioned to think that we’ve got to put out a lot of effort to make changes in our lives. It’s the “no pain, no gain” idea.

But when we see that all the painful emotional issues of our lives come from our thoughts, questioning those thoughts to see how true they are might make a little more sense. All our lives we’ve heard how life should be: “People shouldn’t do bad things to other people.” “Our dating partners should always be honest and true to us.” “We shouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.” “I’m never quite good enough.” We’ve picked up these ideas but are they true? Doesn’t it hurt when we think those thoughts? If we really look, and see the truth, do we still hurt?

Take any one of those statements above and we can see, with a little investigation, that they may not be true at all. For instance, “I’m not good enough.” How many of us think that about ourselves – at least some of the time if not virtually all the time. It’s a program that runs in the background of our lives almost without our recognition, until we start looking at how that single idea shapes our actions. Because of it we may be constantly trying for other people's approval, for instance. We may be always struggling to be somebody better than we think we are, wearing the mask of an actor. We’re not free when we’re not living authentically. It’s not fun. And in the end it never works.

But inquiry brings us back to the truth: Are we really not good enough? By whose standards? What’s “good enough”? Do we really need more approval than we’ve got? What I see so clearly is that every one of us has exactly the approval we need at any moment. All you have to do is see the approval you’ve got and you know that’s what you need – because you’ve got it.

Or what about the belief that we shouldn't hurt someone's feelings. What god gave us that power? Don't we decide our reaction to what someone says or does? When you think you can hurt someone's feelings you've made yourself responsible for what you have no control over. Sure, we can be kind, knowing some people hurt their own feelings based on our words. We can be considerate but we don't have to be dishonest to protect them. Their feelings are not our job or within our power.

The universe always works the way it does. That’s reality. Storms happen. People get sick. Things live and die. Change occurs. Life turns out different from the way we thought it would, even day by day. We think we’re going to answer the phone and we trip and fall and break an ankle. Oops? Who’s in charge here? Well, it’s obviously not us.

Yet we want to think things should be our way. That’s an innocent myth. Things should be the way they are. How do we know? This is it. Questioning always gets you to reality if you’re willing to be honest. With reality comes peace and happiness. We can opt for that or we can insist on our way and suffer.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

283. What happens in mature dating is never painful except for our thoughts about it

All the heartache, disappointment, despair, loneliness and pain of mature dating comes and goes, have you noticed? Even in the midst of deep hurt there are moments of no hurt at all, such as when you stub your toe and your thoughts instantly go to that physical pain. Meanwhile your heartache just disappears – poof!

Where does it go? Was it real? Or was all that hurt just a thought? Since it can disappear in an instant what could the pain be except a fleeting thought? That’s why it makes sense to question thoughts and beliefs. While we hold a thought it feels physically real. Let’s say Ron’s thought is, “I want Adele to love me.” The more that thought is nurtured and fed the more Ron hurts.

But is it true that Adele should love Ron? Can he positively know that would be best for him? With that thought he’s in a world of hurt. Without it he’s just living life and watching things happen. When he doesn’t know for sure what should happen he’s open to what is. And with his focus off the thought what happens to the pain? It disappears in the simple awareness that Ron’s strongly held belief may not be true.

Thoughts seem to have great power to create pain for us. But in actuality they have no power at all because there’s nothing real about them. Thoughts are as fleeting as a lightning flash and as real as a shadow. Meanwhile, every moment a painful thought-illusion occupies us we’re not only hurting but we’re missing the only living there ever is, the life that happens in the present. And that present-moment life is not suffering at all.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

280. Believe a partner should be monogamous when she’s not and you'll suffer

What we know in mature dating doesn’t cause us to suffer. What we believe is the source of all the emotional and psychological pain we feel. Knowing is reality. Belief is a story we’ve learned. That applies to any belief. It’s our story. Let’s say you find that your partner is not being monogamous. That’s what you know. Now, let’s say you believe she should be monogamous. That’s your story and the split-second you believe that story your pain begins. Your belief and your pain come side by side, self-created.

Pain hurts but there’s a gift in it as well. It’s the signal telling you that your thinking is off track and inviting you to play Private I and investigate to see whether your belief is really true. Seeing reality and ending our pain is that simple.

In this case, you’d simply ask, “Is it true my partner should be monogamous when she’s not?” Obviously, what’s happening is true, not what you believe should be happening. Do people have affairs in this world? Is that part of the reality of life? Can we know for sure that our partner should be monogamous? In the larger picture of life are we absolutely sure we know what’s best?

If you still think your beliefs are right you could ask further questions: Does my partner have a right to live her life her way? Do I have a right to demand that she live it my way? Who decides how I get to live my life? Who gets to decide how she lives her life? With simple questions, given honest answers, you find that life is a series of happenings, all things changing, all things coming and going. Can we know something or someone shouldn’t go? Who are we to decide we know best?

Though I didn’t have the understanding of life that I do now, when my wife died, one thing seemed really clear in the midst of all my emptiness and pain: She was supposed to be gone. I knew that because when I looked around she wasn’t here any longer. Somehow, that knowing was clear: It was supposed to be, because it was. All life, I see now, is like that. Reality rules.

When we simply witness life as it is, without our stories, we don’t suffer. You can argue with reality all you want, but all you’ll ever get is heartache and pain. It’s madness to argue with what is. Drop the resistance and judgment, see it the way it is, and pain is gone. Suffering is always optional.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

277. If you stop judging you stop hurting and mature dating is then a fun adventure

All the pain in mature dating comes from one thing and one thing only – what we think about what’s happening. A happening itself doesn’t cause pain. It’s only when we think it shouldn’t be happening or it should be happening differently that we suffer. Whenever you find yourself thinking or saying words like “should”, “ought”, “right”, “wrong”, “good”, “bad”, etc. you know you’re judging. It’s all about thinking we’re right and the situation or other person is wrong.

The job of the mind is to prove it’s right. So it judges and compares and pits this thing against another thing. The Tao Te Ching, that ancient Chinese spiritual text, says, “When people see some things as good, other things become bad.” When you think someone’s words or behavior is bad you’re not open to see the good that can come from it. We seem to think that from our limited human perspective we can assess and judge what that Infinite wisdom is showing us.

Once we question our thoughts, however, we may see that what we think is wrong and bad is just something we’re not clear about. For example, let’s make up a story about Mary. Mary’s relationship ends and her friends and family are happy because they could see this wasn’t the right guy for her. But Mary didn’t choose to end the relationship and she’s heart-broken, only to realize months later that her friends and family had more clarity than she did. Now she’s glad things didn’t go her way after all. If she hadn't believed her thoughts that the relationship shouldn't have ended she wouldn't have suffered in the first place. Instead, she'd have been able to acknowledge the change in her life and simply watch the next thing show up, whatever it might be.

Believing our thoughts without question is a recipe for pain. Questioning shows us that reality is the way of life and maybe we really don’t have the “right” answers after all. Without our right/wrong thoughts and beliefs we’re left with seeing life as it is. And “as it is” is just life spreading itself out before us moment by moment, full of interesting surprises and miracles if we’re willing to see them.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

274. Looking at reality ends suffering – but it seems too simple

In our “doing” society we nearly always think we have to “do” something to get rid of the disappointment, pain or suffering that often comes with dating. Yet in this blog I’m saying, “Just see reality as it is and all the suffering drops away by itself.” “How could that be,” you may be wondering. “It can’t be that simple.”

That’s the surprising part of all this: it is that simple. Here’s why. Doing involves will power. By force of will we’re going to change our thinking. “Think positively, not negatively,” the experts say. But if will power worked wouldn’t it have worked for you a long time ago? When you’re hurting emotionally wouldn’t you just will the suffering to be gone and it would be gone? But we can’t do that.

Investigating our often false thinking and seeing the truth of life is a whole different game. It has nothing to do with force or will power or effort or doing. It has to do with simply seeing what’s true. Then the ideas that argue with the truth evaporate by themselves because they were hanging on an illusion.

Let’s put this in the form of a simple, hypothetical example. Darrell and Kate have dated several times and things seem to be going well. But days go by and Darrell hasn’t called. Kate’s mind starts working overtime: “He probably got to know me better and realizes he doesn’t like me after all.” “He’s rude not to call.” “I’d never just drop out without telling someone.” “Why am I always the loser?” Those are all plausible-sounding stories but what do they have to do with reality? Absolutely nothing. And they cause Kate to agonize in turmoil.

The truth is, the only thing Kate knows is that Darrell hasn’t called. Period. That’s reality, and without a story there’s no pain in that at all. The pain is born only when a story is born. Let’s say Darrell never calls again and Kate chooses not to call him. What does she know then? That she wasn’t supposed to have a further relationship with Darrell – because she doesn’t. That’s it. Is there suffering in that? Only if Kate thinks she should have had a relationship with Darrell. All stories we create are just thoughts passing by that we latch onto and make real for ourselves. They’re all lies, but we don’t know that until we look. And looking seems too simple.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

248. Are you a controlling person? You may be surprised when you answer this question

You probably don’t think of yourself as a controlling person, and you may be right. But if you answer this question honestly you’ll know. The key to this way of knowing yourself may surprise you. The question is this: Do you ever get defensive when someone criticizes you? Yes or no, what’s your answer? I’m asking you to stop and honestly answer with just one word, yes… or no.

If you said yes you’re controlling. Here’s why. The moment you get defensive you’ve not only lost your peacefulness but you’re trying to control what someone else thinks of you. Right now you may be saying, “What the heck is he talking about? That’s crazy? It has nothing to do with wanting to control; I’m just saying what’s true.” Yes. And you’re trying to get the other person to see you the way you see you. Isn’t that wanting to control how they think and feel in that moment?

If you’re in a relationship where you get criticized you don’t have to feel hot and bothered by that criticism at all. When you feel that hot feeling of defensiveness start to well up inside you just stop for a second and ask yourself, What’s real here? What’s real is that the one criticizing you is making sounds we call words. And we see that the words are judgmental so we call them critical, which makes sense. She may not even believe them but that makes no difference. Without adding an opinion or interpreting in any way you can hear critical words coming at you.

Some years ago I dated, for a time, a really nice woman who got jealous at times. When she did she would sometimes make some cutting remarks. One of those cutting statements was, “Oh, you just have a need to be needed by other women. That’s what boosts your ego.” I didn’t see myself that way at all but I also didn’t need to defend myself. Why would I try to change what she believed? She had the right to believe whatever she wanted to believe.

Besides, the moment I tried to change her mind by defending myself I would have lost my peace of mind and I’d have lost that battle. I have no control at all over her mind, nor should I have. Being defensive and trying to control someone isn’t right or wrong it’s just not very wise because it’s like trying to control the weather. It’s hopeless.

You may choose not to spend time with people who put you down and criticize you but you don’t need to judge them either. Why would you do that? Have you criticized others before? I have, and in the heat of my hurt or anger at that time I was doing the best I knew how. Well, so is everyone else. They’re confused, that’s all. Usually their confusion includes their belief that you’ve done something that makes them hurt. They think you’re responsible for their feelings. You can see their confusion with kindness or you can feel hurt and get defensive. Being defensive is never peaceful. Seeing reality, without a story, is always peaceful.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

242. Marriage or partnership may not make you happier at all

A lot of us might take the stress and seriousness out of dating – and have a lot more fun – if we saw mature dating as part of living rather than loading it down with the goal of marriage or permanent partnership. If that goal isn’t met dating isn’t enjoyable to us. In short, it's no fun because it didn't work.

Yesterday I was talking to a 70-year-old woman whose husband died in 1990. She’s been single since then and desperately wants a partner. “I can’t imagine living the rest of my life without a romantic partner,” she said, implying there could be no more horrible fate. It’s not surprising that she’d think she’ll be happier with a partner. Most of us have seen studies showing that married people are happier and healthier than single people. That condition is widely borne out in nearly every country studied.

But further studies are showing that it isn’t marriage, at all, that’s behind the greater happiness of married people. It appears that happier people tend to marry and that’s why married people are happier than singles. In fact one large study, compiled from the records of 24,000 Germans over 15 years, shows that after the first blush of marriage people revert to the level of happiness they had before marriage. On a scale of 0 to 10 that figure turns out to be 7.28 for the married couples on average.

Other studies show that happier couples are those who don’t see their partners as perfect. High goals for happiness, if they’re not bucked up by solid communication skills, lead to disappointment in relationships, studies show.

What all this tells me, once again, is that there’s never been any proof that something outside of us will make us happy. Happiness is an inside job. The nice thing is that it doesn’t even take any effort. When you look deeply you see that happiness, joy, and love are our true nature and appear by themselves once we uncover them by realizing that Life is living itself just perfectly without our opinions and self-centered needs and wants. When we flow with life as it is there’s just happiness. Funny how that works isn’t it?

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

231. Dating is painful when we believe our stories instead of seeing the truth

When dating or relationships cause us pain – and they often do – we usually feel sure that the source of that pain is the other person. “If he hadn’t…” “If she would only…” We can nearly always point at our date or partner as the reason why we’re hurting. After all, “He’s the one who lied to me,” or “She’s the one who secretly dated other guys.” So it goes against everything we know to hear that the only source of our emotional suffering – ever – is that we argue with reality. We think “what is” should be different. And the problem is, it isn’t different.

But let’s investigate life a bit and see what’s real. We say, “Jane shouldn’t have cheated on me.” But reality is that Jane did what she did and we label it cheating. Trying to argue with that or make Jane wrong is just asking for a lot of pain. The way life actually is, people sometimes cheat. Have you ever cheated in your life? That’s the way it is. That’s reality.

When we try to play God and say it shouldn’t be that way we’re going to hurt. Yes, I know, it’s easy to say that any good person would agree that Jane shouldn’t have cheated on you. That’s the way most of us have been taught to believe. But belief in a lie doesn’t make it the truth. The truth is that people cheat and in this case Jane cheated. “Cheating” is the story or label we’ve attached to her actions. And that story may not even be true.

Can you say she shouldn’t have dated someone else? What’s the reality? She did, right? Can you say it shouldn’t have rained today. What’s the reality? It did. Without adding our story that’s just what happened, and since the power that shows up as this world seems a lot more intelligent than we are maybe we could just trust that it knows what it’s doing. Seeing reality without adding our story isn’t painful. It’s just seeing reality, like seeing the sun.

It’s when we argue with reality that we suffer psychologically. Put another way, it’s our judgments that life should be our way that cause us pain. Yet, if you notice, no amount of judging you’ve ever done has ever changed what is. Any judgment that makes reality wrong and wants it to be different causes us stress because it’s a lie that opposes the way things are. Seeing without judgment goes along with the way things are, and we’re content and peaceful.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

222. The core thought that can make a hell out of senior dating is the I-thought

When you think about the times when you’re hurting in the mature dating world you’ll notice that it’s only when you believe something should be different – the way you’d like it to be instead of the way it is.

Thoughts come all the time. Have you noticed that even though we say “I’m thinking” we really have no control over the thoughts that show up? But thoughts aren’t the problem. They’re just part of the way this world functions, obviously. The problem is that we grab onto thoughts and believe them and think they’re right while believing the way things are, is wrong. But how could that be? The way things are is just the way things are. How can we argue with what already is? You can’t fight reality and ever expect to win.

Have you also noticed that the present never has any problems? The problem is always thoughts – thoughts about the past or the future. But do they take place in the past or future? No, they take place only in the present. There’s no such thing as past or future. If you couldn’t think you wouldn’t have a past or future and you wouldn’t have suffering.

The core thought that’s the basis for all suffering is the simple thought “I”. Every problem we have starts with “I” or “me” or “mine”. When we see that this I-thought is just a thought and really doesn’t have control then all the other thoughts associated with “I”, such as what I like or want or don’t want… all those thoughts just drop away because they’ve started with an “I” that’s not even real.

We’ve been taught how the world works and how we have control and must run our lives appropriately. But reality, when you look, shows you that everything appears out of nothing and goes back to that. That void or nothingness has to be the basis for everything that shows up. We can call it Source or God or the Absolute. Knowing it’s the basis for everything we can just relax and trust that that God-Power can take care of things just as it always has. We don’t have to pay attention to the painful I-thought and all that goes with it.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

221. “Out there” is never a problem in mature dating, it’s always “in here”

A friend of mine told me the other day about a bumper sticker she saw. It applies perfectly to the source of suffering in mature dating. It read, “Reality is not what you think!”

In just a few words that line sums up what we’ve been talking about here. Reality, or what actually is, has nothing to do with thought. What our senses register about the world just as it is, is reality. There’s no emotional pain in that at all.

What causes us to hurt in senior dating is the thinking that gets added to reality. Many times we don’t simply see reality, or “what is” just as it is. Instead we add judgments to what is: “He should call me.” “She should have told me the truth.” “They shouldn’t do that.” “I’m getting older and I should find someone soon.” But in all those cases reality is just the way things are. It’s always our opinions, interpretations and judgments that cause us to suffer. Without that, there is no suffering. There’s just reality and our awareness of it.

And if this seems confusing, reading further in this blog may help. I invite you to remember one thing, however, and that’s this. We’re ALWAYS the source of our own pain. The problem is never “out there;” it’s always “in here” – in our thoughts.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

220. Without your thoughts mature dating can’t have any problems

You have a dating problem. Really? Who decided that?

Let’s say the woman you’ve been dating doesn’t want to see you any more. You’re disappointed and feeling hurt. You want it to be different. Now let’s imagine you have a friend who happens to be in the same situation. The woman he’s been seeing doesn’t want to see him any more either. But he’s not hurting. He figures it’s just the way life is, and moves on. So where did your problem come from? Obviously from your own thoughts. It’s not real. It’s self-created.

Every single problem we have results from our thinking that life should be different. We’re the ones who decide what should and shouldn’t be. We’re the ones who decide what’s good and bad, right and wrong, painful and pain-free. Yet the strange thing is that when we look at our own life, our own experience, we can see that we don’t really know how things should be. We just think we do. We’ve all had plenty of experiences to prove that if life had gone the way we were so sure would be best it may not have turned out so well. At the very least all we can say is that we don’t know.

My neighbor lost her son to a freak accident when he was 20. With an experience like that it would be easy to discount what I just said. You could say that nothing good came out of that at all. But do we know? Do we know what his life would have been like had he lived? Can we really question the Power that created him in the first place and then decided when the life in him should stop? In truth, without an opinion, he lived exactly as long as he should have lived. Not a second too long or too short. You know that because that’s the way it was.

The simple seeing or presence that we are witnesses and registers all kinds of events, thoughts, and feelings that pass through our awareness. Our only problem comes when we latch onto them, put our own interpretation on them, and then suffer as a result. It’s that Little Me idea, with its judgments, that’s the center of all emotional hurt and pain. It all starts when we believe our thoughts. Thoughts are just energy passing through. Nothing more. We don’t ask for them, we don’t control them, we don’t choose how long they’ll stay. Why not just see life as it is, without our self-centered opinions, and be happy? After all, that’s our true nature, just the pure being-awareness in which everything shows up, just like space makes it possible for objects to show up.

See that and you can’t help but be content and problem-free. This is what all the spiritual traditions have been sharing throughout the centuries. It’ll make your dating pain-free, guaranteed.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

215. Do you really need a partner to be happy? Your answer might surprise you

Wanting what we don’t have is always painful to some extent. I’ve heard people say, “No, it keeps my life interesting. It gives me something to look forward to.” I can hear that. But when you question it you also see that wanting says we’re not happy with what we’ve got right now. I call that unhappiness pain or suffering. It’s certainly not harmony and happiness.

In fact, have you ever noticed that even people who say they’re striving for peace are wiping out the very peace they say they want? Striving isn’t peaceful.

I talked to a woman in her mid-60s recently who’s been divorced many years. She told me she really wants a committed relationship. You know the picture: two people riding off hand-in-hand and heart-in heart-to the golden sunset together. Her desire for the pleasure of a relationship is pain itself. To her, the pleasure of a partner would be the end of her pain. But then pain is always the end of pleasure too. They rotate until people can see life clearly and simply allow what is to be the way it is, without judgment, opinion or expectations.

We tend to forget that when we had a committed partnership life probably wasn’t all roses. (And this is coming from a man who had what I easily described as the best marriage of anyone I’d known until my wife died.) I agree that companionship is wonderful but why not just watch as that Infinite Intelligence, the source of all things, simply rolls out life before us, moment by moment?

When the painful thought comes up: “I want a partner in my life because I know life would be better,” investigate. Ask yourself if you can really know that for sure. Do we have any proof of that at all? Then you may be able to just relax into life as it is. And that certainly could include finding people to date and enjoying the whole mature dating process, but without a need. It’s the attachment to a need that’s painful.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

214. She built her own penalty box and put herself in it, but blamed him

A few years ago my friend Miles was dating a woman in her mid-60s that he really cared about. He said she was a kind, wonderful woman who was fun to be with and had an easy-going, cheerful manner. The only problem was that she’d sometimes get hurt easily and react with anger and withdrawal. Later she’d feel sad after she saw that her emotional outbursts came from her insecurities and that Miles wasn’t the problem.

When they talked about how he felt about her anger and hurt Miles told her honestly that he wasn’t comfortable with it and he was reluctant to get into a deeper relationship with her. She said she was working to understand herself and he replied that he’d like to continue to date and just watch to see how things played out. But that also hurt her and she referred to his watching statement as, “You’ve put me in a penalty box and now I have to wonder how long you’ll keep me there before you let me out.”

For Miles it was clear he had nothing to do with putting her in a penalty box or anywhere else. He knew he didn’t have the power to do that, nor did he have any interest in it. He was simply living his life and watching how things unfolded between them. This is a perfect example of how thoughts can build stories that seem as real as events in a dream.

We say things like, “Boy, she sure put him in his place.” But that’s never true, of course. We only put ourselves in a place and then believe it’s real. This woman had obviously mentally created her own penalty box and put herself in it, thinking she was a slave and Miles was her slave-keeper. Apparently it seemed as real to her as prison bars.

No matter how we cut it, no one ever has the power to control our thoughts or feelings about anything. The moment we start hurting while thinking it’s someone else’s fault we’re at a fork in the road. We can either irrationally blame someone and be a victim or we can see that only we control how we feel and take responsibility for buying into crazy thoughts. Guess which choice breaks down the non-existent walls of the penalty box and brings us back to peace.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

210. Faulty self-beliefs can ruin your dating and your happiness

What we think of ourselves affects our whole view of life, including our dating relationships of course. I know a woman – I’ll call her Loni – who seems to see her whole life through a negative self-image. I was at a meeting one time, talking to a friend of mine, and happened to glance up to see Loni. Later she called me to ask why I was laughing at her. It turns out the moment I glanced at her I apparently was laughing with my friend. Loni knew I was laughing at her. That’s a pretty extreme example of a negative self-image but we all know that how we view ourselves colors our entire world.

Yet for most of us that self-image seems pretty solid; it becomes a thing, like a pair of colored glasses we wear every day. Every morning we get up and our glasses go on automatically. We’re looking at everything through that colored lens. Through the lens life looks like this: “Joe didn’t ask me for a second dance last night so obviously he thought I wasn’t good enough for him.” “Jill talked about her cousin’s great education so obviously she thinks I’m not very bright because I don’t have my doctorate.” It’s clear that our view of the world is all a projection based on our view of ourselves.

Since our self-image affects our dating so much maybe it’s worth taking a good look at it. What is a self-image, after all? We take it for granted that it’s who we are. But is that true? After all, when you look you can’t really find something called a self-image. If it’s real where is it located? It’s only a bundle of thoughts or mental images we hold about ourselves. And in fact that bundle of thoughts isn’t even consistent so how real can it be? Sometimes we think we’re pretty wonderful. At other times we think we’re complete losers.

If we examine those self-image thoughts what are they? It turns out they’re nothing more than ideas or concepts we picked up throughout life that we’ve believed in and made real for ourselves. A third-grade teacher didn’t praise your drawing the way she praised Jennie’s so there’s a label you stick on your forehead. It reads, “I’m not talented”. The kids laugh at your book report in the 6th grade. There’s another label; this one reads, “I’m stupid”. It doesn’t take long before your whole body is plastered with labels and if you read them it’s clear that you’re nothing but a loser. The proof is right there in the labels, see?

We’ve been living with them for years so they must be who I am, right? But is that true? All we have to do is investigate to find out. Is it true you’re not talented because that teacher didn’t happen to praise your work? Are any of those other self-image beliefs actually true? When you really look and be honest with yourself you see the fallacy of those beliefs. You see through that whole self-image illusion; you see it’s nothing but a sham.

Seeing reality – the truth of life – is powerful because when we see through the innocent lies we’ve been telling ourselves we don’t have to live with the suffering they cause any longer. Then we simply see life for what it is – events happening. Events that are no longer interpreted through an illusory self-image filter. Without our self-image projections the fact that Joe didn’t ask for a second dance means nothing more than the fact that it’s windy today. Life is what it is. Ah-so! Your contented happiness isn’t affected at all.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

206. You’re getting older… does it really pay to fight it trying to attract a mate?

It’s interesting to me that the way – the only way – we end up suffering emotionally is through belief in our thoughts. I know, that’s a radical-sounding statement. So stay with me for a few minutes and let’s see if I can show you what I mean. Then you can judge the validity of the statement yourself.

Last night I had a conversation with a long-time friend of mine, Anita, who was feeling sad about the fact that she’s getting older. The conversation clearly showed me she was creating her own pain just by her thoughts. None of us have to do that if we can simply see life a little more clearly.

“I’ve seen more doctors in the last few years than I ever have in my life,” she said. “It just makes me sad.” Anita is widowed and in her late 60’s, and she’d love to be in a relationship. So every time she thinks of getting older she also thinks no one will want her.

Where Anita is creating her own suffering, it’s so clear, is in an area I talk about a lot. She’s trying to fight reality, and in the process she not only loses but also makes herself miserable. What is reality, in this case? Well, it’s clear that in real life we all age and we all begin to lose some of our youthful physical abilities and we’re all eventually going to die. You can’t argue with that. Yet – and here’s the strange part – we try.

We think it shouldn’t be this way. We think it’s awful. We mourn the fact that we don’t have the energy we used to have, or that our knees hurt when we stand up, or that we have wrinkles and sagging skin we never had before. “Yes,” you might be saying, “but who wants to get old and wrinkly and have sagging skin? It’s hard enough to find a partner without having to also go out in the world without the youthful good looks I once had.”

But let’s look at the actuality of life for a moment. Whatever you look like when you look in the mirror, and whatever you feel like when you’re active physically, that’s just what life has dealt you isn’t it? You’re not being singled out as the only 50 or 60 or 70 or 80-something who’s getting older. That’s just the way life is.

Now, we can fight it and bemoan it and suffer it or we can just accept life as it is. We seem to have those two choices. Meantime, aging doesn’t stop. It doesn’t care what we think. It’s going to be what it is, just like life is what it is every day. Every spring the trees put on new leaves and every fall they lose them. Every minute or so the tide comes in. And every minute or so it goes out again. There’s summer, spring and fall. Nature has its ways and it acts through everything, including all animal forms, which includes humans.

Reality always wins. It always rules. But let’s look for a moment at what happens to us when we try to argue with it. How do you feel inside if you’re sad and miserable because you’re aging? You might actually take a moment to let yourself know what that really feels like inside your body. And how does that feeling affect your happiness, your joy, your spontaneity? Do you think what registers inside you might also register on the outside to the men or women you’d like to date or have a relationship with?

While we’re in the mood of being sad and disheartened about aging how do you think we come across to any potential partner or date? We’d have to reflect that wouldn’t we? So as far as I can see when we argue with what is we lose in at least two ways: We don’t feel happy, which is the biggest way, and we also lessen our chances of finding joy in our dating and of attracting someone to us. Who wants to be around a sour puss who’s inwardly miserable about getting old?

And the main point is this: For what? For what reason are we believing our thought that it’s terrible that we’re getting older? Is it terrible or is it just life? It’s only terrible if we say so. It’s all a myth. We’re creating a nightmare and living in it as though it were real – self-created misery. Seems to me it’s a lot easier to see life just as it is without throwing up arguments that change nothing and make us suffer. Without our made-up story life is just fine. No judgment, no suffering. You prove that to yourself every night when you sleep.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer