43. Senior dating is light, easy and fun when you don’t believe your painful thoughts

The way to happiness and ease in dating as a senior is pretty much the same as the way to happiness and ease in any aspect of life and at any age. The focus on senior dating here is only because as I began to date again after my wife’s death I realized quite soon how much hurt there was in the process for so many people. Strangely enough there’s a simple way out of that emotional pain, a way of seeing life that sages and wise men and women through the centuries have pointed to.

That way is to just see clearly that life lives itself by itself without the need for input from us. Life doesn’t ask for our advice and if you’ve noticed, it doesn’t take it when we offer. When we begin to see that we’re not a separate entity unto ourselves we also can begin to see that we’re simply part of the happening that life is. We’re another one of the objects that appear as this world, in other words. We know we’re present or that we exist, and that presence we are is the same presence we were when we were two days old, in our teens and today. Our bodies have changed, our thoughts and beliefs have all changed through the years, but the pure essence that we are has never changed. No one can say I’m not. And we don’t have to think to know that we are, that we exist. It’s a knowing that doesn’t need thought.

So where does all this emotional pain and struggle and worry come from? It comes from thoughts only. And the thoughts are mere appearances in this pure awareness or knowingness that we are. Now, if you’re still with me this far I know this is confusing stuff if it’s new to you. So to keep it simple I’d suggest, if you’re interested, that you just see that life happens. This is it and that’s all there is. It’s never going to get better because it doesn’t need to get better. If we don’t impose thoughts on what’s happening there is no such thing as “better” or “worse”. Those are just judgments from one person’s viewpoint. To an American terrorists are terrible. To a terrorist Americans are terrible. Clearly, “terrible” is a judgment we’ve imposed, depending on our stance isn’t it?

What’s all this have to do with dating at this later stage of life? Just this. Even though by this age we’ve been conditioned for quite a few years to think that we need to run life, that idea can be dropped in an instant if we want to look honestly and see reality as it is.

When we simply allow life to be what it is, and notice that we’re not running the show, the drama and trauma are over. Life then becomes light, easy, effortless and an interesting mystery. Not only are we not running the life show, we’re also not running this show called “my” life. If you look, breathing, heart-beating, hair-growing, digestion and all thoughts happen by themselves. Even if you think you could do a better job of breathing than nature is doing, try it. Within a minute or so you’re out of wind and struggling because you don’t know when to breathe.

It’s that way with all of life. It works better when we let the Infinite do what it’s doing. Thoughts pop up and we think we brought them forth and therefore they’re important. When you examine it, though, your thoughts just appeared. “You” don’t need them for life to go on just fine. Your deep sleep is the simplest example. You’re not thinking, yet life is taking care of you just fine. We see that ­presence, with no need for thought, happens regularly. We just don’t notice. We all have times every day when we’re totally engrossed in something, whether it’s a project, making love or watching a sunset. We’re so deeply involved that there’s just life going on and then suddenly thoughts show up and we notice we’re there.

What’s the bottom line of this conversation? Just this: To live lightheartedly as you date just be a witness to life instead of trying to control it. When thoughts come, let them pass on through, which is what they all do eventually anyway. If you notice you’re hurting emotionally look to see what you’re believing in that moment. Then stop. Stop and question: Is this thought true (Jeff should have called me as he promised.)? Do I know for sure that my way is better than what is? Who would I be without my belief – if I just see what life is (including Jeff)? You’re the presence and awareness that allows thoughts to show up, much like the screen allows the movie to show up. And you can live life as that screen, pure and unaffected by the movie. Don’t be the drama and trauma of the movie and you’ll find life is just a magic happening – delightful, easy and fun.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

42. Do you demean yourself to get what you think you need from your date?

How often do you give yourself away thinking that’s how you’ll be loved and approved of by a date or partner? For example, your date invites you to a party you don’t really want to attend and you go, not out of love for her but because you’re afraid you’ll lose something if you don’t. He asks if he can spend the night and you’re not ready to be that close, but you say yes because you’re afraid you’ll lose something if you don’t.

I’ve known two women who agreed to have sex with a man they were dating, not because they felt that close to him but because they were afraid he’d move on if they said no. The result is both women felt they had betrayed themselves, and it didn’t feel good.. It’s easy to fall into the “give in” trap because we’ve been steeped by society to feel we have to give people what they want so we can get what we want. So instead of living fully and honestly and spontaneously, we’re always making business deals. That’s not love. So it’s no wonder we don’t enjoy dating in these senior years when we walk away feeling that we lied to our date (doing what we didn’t really want to do) and belittled ourselves. When we demean ourselves is it any wonder that we don’t feel self-love and we’re constantly looking to someone else to show us the love we’ve failed to show ourselves?

Even smiling when it’s forced is a form of degrading yourself. And why are we doing that? Because we believe we have to in order to get our needs filled. Yet we all know that empty feeling in the gut, or that hot flash in the head that tells us we’re not being true to ourselves. That’s a clear signal telling us our thoughts are out of kilter. Because when our thoughts mesh with what is (listening to that gut feeling in this case, and acting on it) we feel peaceful, not stressful.

When the suffering feelings come instead of giving in and being false you could ask yourself a few simple questions: Is it true I won’t find love if I don’t wear a mask and play the phony game? How does it feel to live this way? How would it feel to live honestly instead? If I really need to give myself away to please her is that the kind of relationship I want?

If you’ve been pretending and acting and wearing a costume to try to please someone, you might also ask yourself, has it ever really worked? If being honest with yourself and your date sounds more peaceful you could just take the risk and see what happens. It’s possible – even likely – that your date or partner will be able to start being more honest too. Then you’ve got a relation based on care and love, for your date or partner and also for yourself. And then you might find dating a lot more fun and a lot less stressful.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

41. Smile - he was supposed to deceive you, it’s the reality of life

Sally went to a coffee shop to meet Joe, a man she’d been corresponding with by email after having connected with him on an online dating service. She had described the red coat she’d be wearing and shortly a man came in, glanced around and headed for her table. “You must be Sally,” he says. And he must be great-grandpa Joe! Sally is shocked. He’s at least 15 years older than his photo and the age he reported. Sally had been duped. I met a woman from an online contact once who still runs the same photo online, and she must be at least 20 or 25 years older than that photo, no exaggeration. Because you’re a senior in this dating game you may feel that by this age people won’t be deceptive. The reality is, it happens. So since these articles are about having more fun with the adventure of dating, let’s look at this scene and see if we can take the heat out of it.

Sally can get angry and hostile toward Joe, or toward the whole dating situation for that matter. If she does, who suffers? She could blame Joe for her anger. But let’s face it, Joe was just being Joe. Another way to view it though is to simply recognize that it happens. It’s the reality. How do you know it’s supposed to happen? It does, just like the way you know it’s supposed to be raining when it is. Reality is just “what is”. When we don’t interpret it or judge it or fight it we just notice what an interesting life we all lead. You can call that Pollyanna thinking if you like. I call it realism and common sense. And oh, peaceful and happy, by the way.

The theme I hope is running through all these articles on senior dating is this: It’s never the person or situation that’s the cause of pain for anyone. It’s always our thoughts about it. And that’s good news because it means you don’t ever have to hurt emotionally because of what someone does or says. What you can realize, if you feel betrayed by someone, is that you can always question your own thoughts and get back to peace.

Quite simply it works like this: Joe lied to Sally about his age before they met. Was he supposed to have lied? Sure, because he did. “But that’s wrong,” you say. Yes, according to what we’ve been taught it seems that way. But we’ve been taught to think we’re supposed to get what we want rather than simply accept reality as it is. Was Joe supposed to have lied? We’re taught to automatically think, No. But what’s the reality, did he? Yes. And is that part of the reality of life, that people lie sometimes? Yes. Have you ever lied yourself? (I’m going to guess the answer is yes.) So Joe is just doing what you’ve done yourself. What’s the difference?

We’re not in charge of life, and when we think we are or should be, we immediately suffer. You go out to get in your car one day and you’ve got a flat tire. Do you swear at the car and kick the tire? Or do you just sigh momentarily and get the tire changed? To the extent that you’re angry you’re insane aren’t you? Maybe you don’t think the tire should be flat. But does that tire care? No. Are the stars in the heavens going to move because of your anger? Of course not. Consider it part of life when you own a car. And Joe? He lied to you. So what? Consider it part of life when you’re dating. Or you could sell the car, or stop dating. It’s all about your thinking.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

40. You want love? You can stop trying so hard!

I have a good friend in her mid-60s who has always made a firm point of telling men that she was equal to them. “I’m not better than men but they’re no better than I am either,” she’d say. She told me that in her early 20s, before she married her husband, it was critical that he understand that. She also admitted he never disagreed, even though she pressed the point often. She’s now widowed, and before she gets very far in a relationship with a man, she says, she makes sure he understands that he must consider her equal.

One day we were talking and she mentioned that she felt invisible as a child. As an example she cited a time when she “ran away from home” when she was about nine or so. She lived on a large farm so running away was running down to the river, where she and her siblings safely played often, and waiting for someone to come looking for her. She was from a large family and no one came looking. She felt her mother didn’t even notice she was gone. She also concluded, at nine, that she must not be loved very much. That belief was still quite painful to her.

As we talked I asked if she wanted to question that still hurtful feeling that her mother didn’t even notice or care that she was gone. She agreed and we started going through some questions. Was it possible her mother just wasn’t going to be manipulated by her little daughter when she probably knew exactly where she was? Could she know her mom didn’t even know she was gone? Was there proof that her mother loved her? As she looked she realized her beliefs were unfounded.

She also realized there was overwhelming proof of her mother’s love for her. During our talk it became abundantly clear to my friend that she’d been unnecessarily harboring that feeling of being invisible and unworthy for more than 50 years. It was a huge relief to her to see reality instead of her “little girl” picture. And she realized she no longer had that urge to prove her equality.

What this all comes down to is that when we feel unworthy or unnoticed we’re in a a constant struggle to be recognized: “Won’t you applaud me, notice me, see how good I am or how smart I am or how pretty I am?” If you’re constantly seeking appreciation and approval from others you might question that and relieve your pain. Is that really true? Where’s your proof?

A friend of mine, a national motivational speaker, says, “The problem with us is that we compare our insides with other people’s outsides.” Isn’t that so true? We know our little niggly insecurities and sense of inadequacy. “But look at her,” we say. “She’s so confident, so strong and self-assured. I could never be like that.” But do we really know she isn’t hiding the same feelings inside that we are?

We think we’re not good enough, never quite fit in, never as attractive or funny or intelligent as someone else. Especially as we’re dating in this older stage of life we’re trying to put our best foot forward. Sometimes that can turn into pretense. It takes the form of wearing a mask and pretending to be something we’re not.

In conversation we say we agree when we don’t, or we participate in activities we don’t enjoy. “He wants to watch Sunday afternoon football? Oh, you’d love to… when you really hate the game.” Pretending and wearing a mask can only appear successful for a short time before the real you comes out, however. Then relationships crash. And we wonder why. After all, you’ve tried so hard. And that’s just the problem. You may have been been deceiving, and no one likes to be lied to, whether in words or in phony behavior.

The solution to “need for love and approval” comes down to questioning our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves, again. Question thoughts like the struggle to be equal. If you really felt equal would you have to insist on it? If you feel “less than” is that belief true? When you think you need to be with someone and need that person’s approval ask again: Do I really “need” him or her? Isn’t it painful living a lie and wearing a mask?

If you can’t just be yourself with someone are you sure you’re right for that person? You might be surprised to find your friend enjoys you much more when you stop the act and just be yourself. No pretending, no lying, no mask, no phoniness. Ask some questions and set yourself free to just enjoy the discovery of new friends as you move into dating in these later years. It’s so relaxing to just be you.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

39. “She’s supposed to vote my way” – are you sure?

In the years of work I’ve done to understand myself and life better I’ve seen that most of the time – and I really mean “most” – the emotion we feel when we’re upset has little to do with a current incident and much more to do with something from our past. Pushed down memories and feelings erupt, much like a volcano that’s finally released and blows.

The instant and intense feelings of jealousy, for instance, can often be traced to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness that quite often go back to childhood. As kids we took on those feelings based on things that happened or that we were told. Not knowing how to handle the feelings we stuffed them down and tried to live life as well as we could. Now, many people as they’re dating in their senior years, are surprised that these same old feelings pop up as a complete surprise.

Painful feelings explode in people with high and low education levels and with high and low status in life. Emotional maturity has nothing to do with money, power or status. A friend of mine had been dating a retired doctor. One night at dinner with friends the subject of politics came up. The doctor happened to learn that my friend didn’t share his views and planned to vote for the “wrong” candidate in the national election coming up. Dinner ended and my friend and her girl friend drove to the doctor’s house with him where they were going to share a little more time together. As they talked on the sidewalk after emerging from the car he pressed my friend again about who she planned to vote for. When she gave him the same answer he abruptly told her and her friend they were no longer invited into the house. He spun on his heel, walked in and slammed the door. In a few days he was apologizing, probably wondering to himself, where did all that anger come from?

Many of the emotions we can label – anger, jealousy, loneliness – often come from fear. Somehow there’s the fear that we’re going to lose something. The good news is, if sudden painful emotions arise for you they don’t have to continue. Instead, you can investigate to see if they’re true. Once the truth is seen the same feelings aren’t likely to come up next time around because you’ve already seen that what you thought was a snake in the road was only a rope.

I did a lot of work in the past aimed at going back to ferret out the start of painful emotions. I’ve since learned, however, that trying to find the source of the feeling isn’t necessary. All we need to do is investigate the present honestly. The doctor could, for instance, sit down and write out his feelings and question their accuracy if he was interested. His obvious thought was that his date for the evening shouldn’t plan to vote for the “wrong” party. But is that really true? Shouldn’t she have the right to vote as she wants just as he does? Is it true that he needs to control her vote and be angry if he can’t? Does he even know for sure that his party is right?

When someone hurts from jealous isn’t it the same issue? Aren’t they trying to control someone for fear of losing something? Whatever they’re trying to control, is it true they know best – that their way is right? Looked at honestly you might find you’re left with just the peace of letting people be who they are and allowing the world to do what it does. There’s an immense freedom and relaxation in that.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

38. If you loved me you'd do what I want

I have an acquaintance who’s been married many years, and he and his wife have a nice arrangement when it comes to their own interests. One example is that she likes the ballet and symphony; he doesn’t. So she goes to those functions and he stays home or does other things. It isn’t an issue for either of them and they both seem to recognize that in this area they’re different. They simply honor the difference.

That seems to be rare, though, and I’ve been surprised at the number of more mature singles I’ve known who have specific expectations to be fulfilled by any mate they connect with. The potential mate is expected to participate in his family’s Christmas gatherings, for instance, or to be alongside as she attends workshops. Though they may not be worded this way, the expectations is, “If you love me you’ll do what I want.” People say things like, “Well, that’s just what partners do when you have a good relationship,” or “I went to the opera with her, now the least she can do is go cross-country skiing with me.”

When your relationship includes those kinds of expectations you’re not talking about love. If you really love someone don’t you want them to be happy? And wouldn’t that entail their doing what they want? Of course if you want your partner to do something with you or for you, by all means ask. But your freedom to ask means your partner also has the freedom to say no. A “no” doesn’t mean someone doesn’t love you. Maybe your partner loves you enough to be honest with you, so there won’t be resentment later. Also, your partner could come right back at you with, “If you loved me you wouldn’t want me to do something I dislike.” The road runs both ways doesn’t it? Freedom always works; coercion and guilt never do, in the long run. Notice how you feel when you attempt to persuade your dating partner with guilt. That’ll tell you whether it works for you or not.

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

37. The right question leads to dating happiness, the wrong one to pain

One reality we all see as we’re dating in our senior years is that our bodies aren’t as vital and spunky as they used to be, and we know that decline will continue. Of course that brings up what I’ve heard a lot, and I’ll bet you have too, “I want to find a partner because I don’t want to go through my later years alone. Time is getting shorter, I’m not getting any younger, and I don’t have as much to offer as I used to have.”

The underlying question is: How can I find a partner soon? It’s a nagging question that can haunt you. The problem is that it’s based on the assumption that I’m supposed to have a partner now. In other words, the question is the wrong one and it leads us down a painful path. Rather than, “How can I find a partner?” a more basic question that points you to reality would be, “I think I’m supposed to have a partner right now – is that true?” Since “what is”, or reality, is always true you know the answer. Look at it this way: It’s raining outside. How do we know it’s supposed to be raining? It is. “What is” always takes first place, and it doesn’t care whether we agree or not. It just is. In fact, can you even be sure there’s a “me” there to agree or disagree? We have ideas of a “me” but no one seems to find one when they really look. With no “me” to judge, all so-called problems are solved.

In the case of your finding a partner, you’re not supposed to have found one yet. How do you know? You don’t have one. That’s it. That’s what is. It can sound harsh but do you really know having a partner now would be best for you? Do you want to argue with reality and be miserable, all the while still not having a partner? Or do you just want to see that reality is what it is, and live a life without problems? It’s just like seeing there’s no water in the mirage. You don’t fight it, you simply see reality and don’t expect water there again.

While we give energy to a future that’s just a myth in our heads, we suffer and we don’t get to live the now that’s here. This moment is all there ever is. “Future” and “past” are just thoughts, and they only show up right now. When we’re in pain because we think we need a partner and don’t have one, we’ve lost any joy of the moment. And it’s all because we believed our thoughts when we could have questioned their reality.

For just a moment let yourself feel how you’d be without the thought: “I need a partner.” Just really feel that for a moment. Isn’t there a relaxation and an inner ease when you’re not trying to control life? Do you suppose it’s possible we’re not supposed to be trying to control life and instead just noticing that we’re “being lived”? If you just watched your dating life unfold, without thinking you have to control it, do you think it could just be a fun adventure?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer

36. Relax and be happy, you can’t make a partner appear anyway

Your dating life will get much easier when you realize you don’t have to make things happen. You don’t have to find the perfect mate, for instance. When or if the right mate is supposed to show up in our lives it will happen, just as when new buds are supposed to show up on your rose bush in the spring it happens. Not a moment too soon, not a moment too late.

Now, that may sound pretty dreary and hopeless – “the right mate will show up when he’s supposed to”. But if it does, it’s because we have the thought, “If I had a mate I could be really happy.” Remember, though, it’s only a thought that makes life unhappy for us. When you’re asleep at night, where there are no thoughts, you’re not unhappy at all are you? In fact, our natural state is just contentedness. Dreamless sleep is proof. Or think how content and satisfied you are when you’re engrossed in some activity you like. You’re just fully present, not worrying about the past or future, and the natural state is simple joy. You don’t even notice where the time went.

It turns out that it’s a lot more relaxing to just notice that Life is moving all by itself. Nature takes care of itself, and we’re part of that nature. It seems pretty clear to me that that’s what Jesus meant when he said, Why worry?, look at the birds of the air and the lilies of the field. They don’t worry and they’re perfectly taken care of. Sages of all centuries have said the same thing: you’ll have what you need when you need it.

We don’t have to try to run the show. The truth is, we don’t know how anyway. We think we make things happen but we don’t even know how to move our hand do we? We know a thought shows up, “I want to move my hand” and it moves. But we don’t know which muscles and ligaments to activate to make that happen. In fact, next time you talk to someone, even on the phone, notice that your hands are moving all the time to help you explain. Yet you’re not even conscious that it’s happening until it’s pointed out. So, are you actually moving your hand? Or is hand-moving being done through you, just like your heart is beating and lungs are breathing? Some Power beyond you seems to be taking care of it all. Is it possible that Power is also taking care of you having a partner or not?

When you think, “I need a mate” you can ask yourself, “Is that true? How do I live when I grab onto that thought, and it’s not happening?” In that case, you’re arguing with reality, and you’ll always lose. In a way it’s like saying, “I need it to be sunny” when it’s raining. You can think that all you want but you’ll just make yourself miserable. When you go along with what is – the rain, in this case – you’ll be content again. If you don’t need a partner you’ll just be able to relax and enjoy the moment on your next date. Wouldn’t that be more pleasant?

Copyright © 2005 Chuck Custer