172. Rebecca realized her suffering came from trying to control Hal

When we really investigate we can see that all psychological suffering comes from thoughts – specifically, thoughts that fight reality or life as it is. Thoughts about how to fry potatoes – probably better called memories – aren’t a problem. But judgments are. Any time we think something should be different from the way it already is, we’re judging and we suffer.

This morning I had a call from my friend, Rebecca, who’s been dating Hal for a short time, a guy she really enjoys. Rebecca is a woman who’s been on a spiritual search so she’s not a novice at seeing reality. Yet she’s been in this short relationship that’s causing her to suffer right now and that’s why she called. She told me her story and wanted some input.

Rebecca has seen Hal a number of times and their affection for each other seemed to be growing. It was becoming intimate and warm. But now a week has gone by since their last meeting and she hasn’t heard from him. Not a word. And this after he said he’d call. She’s baffled. She called me saying her thoughts are spinning and she doesn’t know what to do.

As I asked her a few questions she began to see that some of her beliefs were causing her pain. When I asked why she didn’t call him if she wanted to know what he was thinking she said, “I don’t want him to think I’m chasing him.” “Calling is chasing him?” I asked. With a little investigation she realized that wasn’t true.

After she opened up to the possibility of calling she began to wonder what she would say if she did actually call him. She was worried that she’d say the wrong. She talked at length about what to say or do and how to do it. Then in the middle of a sentence she stopped and said, “Oh my God, I just had the biggest insight! I just realized that I’m trying to control him. I’m trying to control what he thinks of me by making sure I say and do just the right thing. Wow, that’s manipulation. I don’t like that at all, and I didn’t even realize I was doing it.”

When things aren’t flowing smoothly and spontaneously in a relationship and we find ourselves second-guessing every word we say and every move we make, we can be pretty sure we’re trying to manipulate. We want to be in control of just what Rebecca saw: we want to control what our date or partner thinks of us. As we talked further she saw more. She saw that Hal had a right to think whatever he wanted to think about her.

His not calling had also brought up something else for her. She was surprised at his lack of integrity. After all, she said, he told her he’d call and he didn’t. And worse than that she said he shouldn’t just end a relationship without even telling her. I asked, “Did he put a deadline on when he’d call you?” Her answer was no. She laughed when I said, “Well, you’re not dead yet.” She realized she was setting her own time table for his call, and that had nothing to do with him.

With a little more questioning she also realized she had no idea whether he was ending the relationship. All she knew is that he hadn’t called for a week. Does that mean he’s not a man of integrity? Even if he did choose to end the relationship that way, does he have a right to be who he is? Does he have to do it her way?

She realized that without her judgments she could see that life is living itself the way it is, every moment. Some of those moments might include a relationship ending. Can she say it shouldn’t be that way? Or that it should end her way and not his way? Can she even know that having a further relationship would be a good thing? Looking at those questions Rebecca realized that, of course, she couldn’t know.

Hers was a fairly new relationship with a man who just six months earlier had come out of a 30-year marriage. Does she know he was healed or ready for another partner? Did she know him well enough to know this would work? Of course not, she concluded.

Rather than struggling with what should be or might have been Rebecca realized she could just relax and take life as it is. Maybe she’d call him and talk. Maybe she’d just relax and wait. Either way she could be at peace and end her suffering, knowing life is living itself just fine without her input or opinions. No judgment no suffering.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer