233. Stop giving yourself up in mature dating by seeing life as it really is

Any time we expect someone else to make us happy we’re going to suffer. When we think our partner is responsible for our happiness we often give ourselves up to that person so they’ll give us what we think we need. We make an unspoken bargain with them – I’ll give you this so I can have that. And what we expect from them they can never deliver because we’re the decider of what happiness is at any moment. Since that’s true how could someone else ever make us happy?

I know of a situation where a man brought his wife eggs and toast and she responded with: “Why do you give me eggs on a dinky, little plate like this?” Someone else, of course, would be happy that her husband was so thoughtful. Clearly, it wasn’t the action that made this woman unhappy. It was her thoughts and beliefs at the moment. Happiness never has anything to do with someone else.

Often we’re operating under two misconceptions in romantic relationships. First, we believe our partners can make us happy, and second we believe we have to manipulate them to get what we believe only they can give. But are those beliefs true? Just as someone else’s words can’t hurt us unless we choose to feel hurt, someone’s words and actions can’t make us happy unless we choose it.

I talked with a woman recently who told me she’s learning – in her mid-60s – “not to give myself away while I’m dating.” She has seen that she’s sometimes dishonest with herself and gives in to things she doesn’t want so she can get the love she think she needs. Then she doesn’t like herself very much of course.

Giving ourselves away isn’t self-love. No wonder we think we need to have someone else give us love. Since we’re not giving it to ourselves where else will we get it? Seeing it this way it may be clearer that we love ourselves when we stop long enough to see what’s true. Seeing life as it is, is seeing reality. It’s when we think it should be our way and we try to manipulate and control things to get our way that we suffer. If you don’t win the love and approval of the person you thought would give that to you, have you lost anything? No, that’s the way things are.

You can never win when you argue with reality. After all, do we really, really know things should be our way rather than the way they are? How do we deal with it when we see that we’re resisting what is? By investigating, asking some questions, looking inside: “Is it true I need love from any other person?” What price am I paying when I bargain and give in because I believe that thought?”

The most important relationship we’ll ever have is our relationship with our own thoughts and beliefs. They’re the single cause of our psychological suffering, and seeing through them to the reality that is, is the only way to end that suffering. Living with our stories – those thoughts and beliefs – will kill happiness and kill relationships because our stories and fairy tales cause us to be dishonest, manipulative and controlling. No relationship can happily thrive under those conditions.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer

199. She said yes when she wanted to say no, adding monumental stress to her mature dating

Some years ago I read two books, popular at that time, about how to say no in any relationship. One title was How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty or something like that. A couple of days ago I read an article online about ways to say no in personal and business dealings. Obviously saying no is not easy for many of us, and sometimes that becomes painfully apparent as we date in our mature or senior years.

My late wife, a woman I greatly respected, admired, and loved was one of those who had a really tough time saying no. Being what I call “too nice” caused her to sometimes be taken advantage of by peers and co-workers. Last week I had an extensive conversation with LeeAnne, a friend of mine who was suffering from the same problem. And I do mean she was suffering. This woman, in her mid-60s, had begun to realize that all her life she had agreed to things she had actually wanted to say no to, but hadn’t known how. The issue came to light again recently because she was seeing a man who was constantly asking her to attend events and weekends away when she felt she didn’t know him that well and wanted to move more slowly.

She agonized every time another request came because, she said, “I don’t know how to say no.” Because she had told me she really wanted to explore this habit and deal with it, we began to talk about the importance of living her truth. One thing she was sure of was that she wound up feeling trapped into doing many things she didn’t want to do. When I asked her if it was true she couldn’t say no she realized, for the first time, what a trap she had set for herself by believing that. It’s not true that she couldn’t form the word no in her mouth and let the sound come out, she realized. So then the statement had to become, “I don’t want to say no.”

Many people have trouble saying no because they think they need approval from others. It turns out that’s pretty common, and it was true for LeeAnne as she looked more deeply into that pattern in her life. She wanted this new man in her life to think she was a nice person. Also, she didn’t want to hurt his feelings, she said.

As she explored the price she was paying for not saying no, however, she realized it was astronomical. She had all kinds of stories to support her “can’t say no” habit and it was taking a toll on her. A few days after our conversation and her exploration of the truth for herself another request came from the same man, to go away for several days. And yesterday I got an email from her explaining that her new stance about being more self-assertive was working. “Yes, the no word is taking shape,” she wrote. “It is telling the truth and the story stops there. No pretending or extending. I like the way it feels.”

She had realized that not saying no had created suffering for her that snowballed – to use her word. Not only did she extend a lot of energy trying to find excuses to allow her to say no – or worse, to back out of what she had already agreed to – but she also suffered from the guilt she felt for lying and the embarrassment from knowing the other person probably knew she was lying. Sometimes her search for excuses would take days or even weeks of thought, energy, and planning as she concocted “reasons” why she couldn’t follow through on something she had committed to. All this when a simple “no, thank you” would have stated the truth.

Once we’ve seen what’s true for us, acting on that is a natural follow-on. But seeing the truth – that’s what we usually haven’t been taught how to investigate. The answer is to simply ask ourselves a few simple questions: Is it true I really can’t say the word no? Is it true I have the power to hurt anyone’s feelings, or do they choose to feel hurt when they don’t get what they want from me? Is it true I need approval or anything else from this person who’s asking me to do what feels stressful for me? Would a simple “no, thank you” work, with no explanation unless I feel like offering one?

And to see what your not saying no has cost you try this powerful question: “How would I feel if I just told the truth?” Forget what you think the other person may feel for a moment. Your immediate sense of relief may be all the answer you need. What I’ve learned is that truth is freedom for me. No guilt, no shame, no stress and no regrets. Life is good. LeeAnne seems to be finding that too.

Copyright © 2007 Chuck Custer